Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Evolving to Better Choices, Better People

We are evolving at tremendous speed. I just finished an article in Time magazine about those young computer genius'... the 15 yr old creator of Napster, (to name one of the four pioneers) which led to Limewire which has led to Frostwire... yes, I'm talking about Music/Video/Movie piracy. I am guilty of pirating music off of the internet but I also buy many CD's, Books and DVD's.

We are evolving in all areas. Scientists are putting computer message boards with Rat DNA... I personally don't understand how in the world they could do that, even though I understand the computer sends messages just as a human brain sends messages... it is not my expertise, science, I have always found too over my head.

It is wonderful how we are passed down all the memory throughout time through our DNA and ancestor stories. Definitely no scientists in my family line.

How wonderful to have our ancestors and special people before us who have shown us how to deal with life better, whether it be by good example or bad... I personally learn better from the bad.

How wonderful for all those people that led life one step ahead of me to show me how life turned out for them by making the choices they made... There have been improvements of the choices to make...

Back to Napster... it was a pioneer for entertainment sharing... starting out as an innocent idea... quickly, turned into piracy. The young man who innocently started this capability for entertainment sharing via computers, now works with legit companies using his knowledge to help with such things as being able to download what we have purchased over the internet, making it as user friendly as it would to pirate. Win/Win situation.

Adoption... it was a pioneer for reaching out, helping family, sharing... starting out as an innocent idea...through all those pioneers before us, making choices, seeing how all the choices turned out...

How wonderful for the internet in so many ways, we can compare our knowledge on any subject matter and evolve to better choices...LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER

Saturday, December 4, 2010

It's As Simple As Crayons

Putting things in simple terms, not only helps 5 year olds, but helps us grownups as well. The older I get the more I realize how nice it is to have little ones ask so many questions to help them understand this world around them, which in turn makes us think to be able to explain for them to understand.

I picked up my bonus 5 year old today with my 11 year old daughter. They are getting so excited for the holiday season... so many parties... so many people coming together to celebrate Christ's birthday. As I am answering what all the party plans are, Kirah and Sidnee are worrying if Sidnee will be able to attend these parties, "will she be here on that weekend?"

I answer, "I will have to look at the calendar, but no worries these parties are my family not dad's"... I am Sidnee's bonus (step) mother.

"Oh" they both chimed...

"Why is it different?" they ask. They have felt the difference, but why IS it different?

I explain to them, "It's like Dad is a blue crayon, I am a red crayon and Sidnee's mom is a yellow crayon... that makes Kirah, Dallen and Kai purple crayons and Sidnee a green crayon... we are all crayons, but some crayons go really well together and some crayons don't."

They both totally loved how simple that made it. I continued to ponder this crayon analogy metaphor to adoption and step parent families. Kai is a purple crayon that was raised by orange crayons... he has a bit of red in him as does orange... but orange is such an opposite color of purple being made from yellow/red instead of blue/red.

In my own life, let's say my mother was a blue crayon and my father a red... making my sister and I different shades of purple... as my children could be considered; Kai being a dark shade, Dallen a medium shade and Kirah a light shade... as is their hair and eyes, Kai's are dark, Dallen's are medium and Kirah's are light... My mother divorces my father and go finds her a yellow crayon to marry and he brings his daughter, an orange crayon, to come live with us. Growing up I had my mother/red, my step father/yellow, my older sister/orange and my younger sister/purple and me/purple.

I remember how conflicting this picture was with the different colors to paint this picture. I loved going to the red or blue family reunions/parties but I hated going to the yellow family reunion parties. I felt so out of place with all these shades of yellow.

I have always offended with my honesty of being a different color and wanting to color with my own shades. But when you are here to figure out what pictures you can paint with your shade it is helpful to have similar shades showing you.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Dedicated to Laurie aka adoptive mother

This morning, my daughter... who has stayed home from school... calls me in and wants me to sit with her while she makes some people on her wii... I'm sitting with her, she says, "I'm making Aunt Karen"... It was interesting how I could see why she made Karen look that way considering the lack of options... Kirah continues to show me all the other family members she has created... What a treat to see how my daughter views the people important in her life, and to see who is on that list.

I say, "you should make Mama and Papa B"... Folks, Mama and Papa B are the adoptive parents who adopted my first born son. We have been reunited with my son for 5 years now... it has not been easy... but we will go into that another time.

Kirah quickly responds and says, "I know! I have been wanting to!"

We continue to create Mama and Papa B.

During the creation of Mama and Papa B via the wii, it came to me...

"Kirah, just think... if Mama and Papa B started their relationship with us the way I am trying to teach people to understand, Mama and Papa B not only would have a special relationship with Kai, (my first born son), they would have a special relationship with you too."

"Oh yeah, they would be more like an aunt and uncle! that would be cool!!!" she exclaims.

I say, "No... check it out... If Mama and Papa B lived down the street or around the corner; started this relationship and mentorship with me, a teenager that just found out she was pregnant and wished she had someone besides her mother to co-parent with"... it would have been great to have a strong father figure to help be in this mentorship/partnership with me, my husband and our future children.

Kirah following me, wanted to hear more...

For you see, if I felt safety with the B's that their best interest is to help me, the mother, raise my child and build a genuine interest in me... being there for me like I am there for Becky, (Becky is the mother of my bonus 5 year old daughter... it has been just as I dreamed it to be... but we will go into that later) I would have been able to count on them to be there for me unconditionally, trusting them to not judge me but to love me, believe in me, help me without any strings attached... no expectations.

Looking back on my life seeing the path I took, putting Mama and Papa B in my life along side me... I think is how I would plug them in my life is just as Becky has plugged me into hers... I would have Mama and Papa B have visitations every other weekend; Friday after school until Sunday whenever the child wishes to come home or when it is convenient for the two parties. Plus every Wednesday after school til 7ish and sometimes Monday if we are missing the other. Being the mother, I would want my child every holiday, as we honor with Becky, but we would make arrangements to go to Mama and Papa B's house as one does with grandparents, taking my kids on vacation if they so choose, all together or individually for better one on one time with each of my children. Do it just as Becky does... call when she needs extra help, whether it be picking her child up an extra day after school so she can go to court, shop, family emergencies, doctors apt, vacations, whichever it may be, I never judge...

I would have had a very lovely relationship with Mama and Papa B that would have continued still today. I would have maybe wanted to change the visitations eight years later when I was on top of my game... but still having them be like a special grandparent to my child and children to come. During the time of invetro with Kirah I could of used their help with my other kids and would have continued to use their help instead of hiring a nanny after Kirah was born. If I had felt safety with them and confident they would not threaten to take my children away and be there to mentor with me, believe in me, I would have most certainly kept their relationship in my life all the way up to now... it would be one big happy family they are involved in, accepting all of us into their home instead of only Kai because of adoption.

After I explain all this, Kirah got a huge dreamy look on her face and said, "That would be way cool..."

I left her room to get mopping floors and thought of the few people I am offending by sharing my thoughts, visions, dreams... Laurie, thank you so much for bringing it to my attention as to what I really mean by LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My Son Lost A Brother To Adoption

My son lost two older brothers to adoption. I have not even bothered to realize his loss to the full extent...

Thanksgiving 2005 we found our missing piece to our family puzzle, Kai. The realization of how many years we have missed out and been away from him, unbearable.

Thanksgiving 2010 our elation of our missing piece to our family puzzle, Kai, returning... shattered.

We have been reunited 5 years this holiday season.

The first holiday season of reunite was pure bliss, until Christmas Eve when we were asked to leave by the adoptive parents, so they could have their usual Christmas morning with just their family... this is when we started realizing the true loss of living this puzzle with this piece missing and worse yet... living this puzzle with this piece missing after we have found the missing piece.

The second holiday season, which by the way also includes the anniversary of his birth December 23rd and relinquishment December 25th... aka, the death of my baby... By the second holiday season, there was so much pain from the loss and hidden grief emerging from not only me and Kai, but my husband as well... he is not just a sperm donor that birth fathers are referred as, he is a 17 year old that had no power and lost two sons to adoption without any say... My dear children, Dallen and Kirah, were burdened with this grieving and loss that they themselves did not know how to process... The 2nd season... I kick Kai, my baby I have already rejected and abandoned in the name of adoption providing a better home for him that I can provide, out of my home. For you see, now my home is too good, dysfunctional...whichever way you want to call it... to provide a home for him. I would not accept his behavior and held strong to what behavior of integrity and respect I expect from him... Boy was this a rough season for the whole family.

The third season, we came to the realization that we could not live without each other. Kai asked the family if we could wait until December 26th to celebrate Christmas... we had found one another two Christmas' ago and have yet to spend any holiday with him, even his birthday... We had a very empty, lonely, dragging Christmas Eve, Morning and Day. The children agreed to not acknowledge Christmas Eve, Morning or Day until the following day, so that we all could experience it together... Celebrating a day late was horrible, it didn't feel right and we will never do that again.

The fourth season, Kai was preparing for a mission, had a girlfriend and trying to juggle all these families for the holidays; dividing his time to his girlfriend and her family, the adoptive parents and us. We didn't feel his presence much at all.

The fifth season Kai was on his mission and his absence for the month of December was unbearable for me... I was an absolute wreck. I was reliving the relinquishment, the loss, the grief...This is when I started realizing and remembering facts about 1986. I signed papers... papers relinquishing my rights, passing my opportunity to mother him, be responsible for him, know him, raise him, mentor with him, have more opportunities to serve and love be nothing to him. Our family was able to talk on the phone to our missing piece Christmas morning.

We are coming upon our sixth season... without him... The season is started with the "good" news that he is planning on coming home and leaving to Idaho to go to college...

November 30th, 5 days after Thanksgiving, after hearing the plans for the future... Dallen has been on a short circuit having these screaming rages... I have been on a short circuit and have been having these emotional breakdown cry fests over every little thing... I have put two and two together and acknowledged not only am I affected by losing my son to adoption... my son, Dallen, is pretty affected and continues to be affected by losing his brother to adoption.

Friday, November 26, 2010

"The American Dream"

"The American Dream" ... what is the American Dream?... First let me share a little history I have just learned...Before World WarII unwed mothers and teens kept their illegitimate children, and at one time it was mandatory for the mother to nurse her child for a minimum of 6 weeks to benefit the child of its mother's love... It wasn't until after WWII that adoption became such an epidemic...WWII all the men were fighting the war and us women were fulfilling those jobs available to help support our family... (a first step in the move of women independence!!!) remember "A League of Her Own" with Tom Hanks, Madonna & Rosy...Well, the men come home after the war, and I can only imagine the new independent attitude they feared in their wives... next thing you know, "Leave it to Beaver" June Cleavor is reminding us Americans the focus of "The American Dream", women, remember how much we love working in the home and kitchen raising this perfect family.

Back in the day "an illegitimate child was typically considered a "child of sin", the product of a mentally deficient mother...Before WWII the girl or woman who gave birth to it was expected by family, by community, and by the state to nurture the child and to bring it up. Rarely did others want a child who stood to inherit the sinful character -the mental and moral weaknesses- of its parent...the unmarried mother was viewed as a bad woman who must be punished... Adoption was a rare and unusual thing."

After WWII there was more of a divide of the rich and the poor, before WWII we all were living in poorer conditions, living with our grandparents, sisters, cousins, building this civilization up as we now know it.

The first cases of adoption was based on judgment from society and the affluent infertile mothers, literary kidnapping babies from less fortunate families with permission and acceptance of the states' authorities. Then began a time when welfare passed a stipulation, "any unwed mothers on welfare that get pregnant out of wedlock while on welfare, babies will be relinquished to adoption automatically and the woman is to be sterilized immediately".

With the help of "Leave it to Beaver" people started worrying about what will the neighbors think and their focus was for their daughters to graduate, marry, have two children and live "The American Dream". This is the era of the girls sent away. I am sure you all have heard the horror stories of these teen mothers being rejected by society and their parents having no choice to keep their baby, living isolated in a maternity home (sounds like prison to me, punishment for their immoral behavior).

Well, through time its inevitable to progress to a better way... Women grew up and told their stories of malpractice, neglect and abuse surrounding the adoptions of old, sharing the pain, loss and grief that they continue to suffer from. Society heard them and started glamorizing the new ways of adoption... Closed Adoption, to provide a better life for the unborn child, the tarnished woman can go on with her life as if nothing happened, still be able to live "The American Dream".

Well, through time its inevitable to progress to a better way... Women grew up and are telling their stories of malpractice and neglect surrounding the adoptions of yesterday, sharing the pain, loss and grief that they continue to suffer from. Society is hearing us and they are starting to glamorize the new ways of adoption... Open Adoption, to provide a better life for the unborn child, the tarnished woman can go on with her life as if nothing happened, still be able to live "The American Dream".

Folks, I ask you what really is "The American Dream"?

I will tell you what I believe "The American Dream" to be...LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER

People are confused as to what I mean by this. I practice what I preach, let me share with you all the people I have personally "adopted"...

My twin cousin Jessica, she lost her mother in her late teens and became a single mother for a good part of her life.

Justin, he is my "Blindside", he has a mother that I will never replace but I love the opportunity to love, nurture, believe in Justin and watch him succeed.

My niece Heather, her husband is far away from home serving our country. I happen to always pop in when she needs me and she knows if she needs anything don't hesitate to ask.

Becky Baker, she had an affair with my husband and she had Sidnee. No, it has not been easy... but I worked things out with my husband. It is what it is and in order for me to love his daughter in her highest good is to first and utmost love her mother, Becky Baker. I honestly can say, "I love Becky Baker", she shares this beautiful child with me. There are no fears of me taking her daughter away or judging her. Its not a competition as to who is a better mother. It is what it is healing for everyone involved.

When we judge, we add negative energy to that persons energy field actually manifesting those judgments. When we have sincere love and light in place of judgment, we are adding positive energy to that persons energy field and actually manifesting those beliefs of success for that person.

If I would have held on to judgment you never know how damaging it would have been for my husband's daughter... her mother may have declined in her self esteem and turned to drugs and wild ways.

So, is what I am saying... Live "The American Dream" embrace every opportunity to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND ADOPT THE MOTHER, it truly brings you more joy, children, happiness and blessings.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Grandparents... The Most Important Role in A Family.

I am accepting "My Life's Purpose". It's not a very popular one.

I am preparing myself to attend the Adoption Conference in Utah.

I attended one in New York just this last September. It was my first one ever. I was surprised yet embraced the flavor and energy of the conference...very anti adoption... These people understand me, these people get it... I even braved a moment and shared deep feelings and truths of myself in front of hundreds with emotion, receiving a standing ovation.

I know it is my calling to bring awareness to many. I was very timid of the idea. My life is my life... what's done is done... life goes on... I can't change anything or how it is in my situation... but you know what??? I can for others.

As soon as I accepted the challenge mind, body, spirit...I get notified of the Utah Adoption Conference that is happening in 10 days... I have a gut feeling this conference is not going to be so much on my same page of thinking and understanding.

I research the program and list of speakers... mostly adoptive parents promoting adoption.

Some of the speakers are talking about the problems in adoption and how we can better the practice of it, yet still promoting adoption as a cure for adoptive parents infertility.

I immediately think, "I'm not going"...

As my day and night continues, I am haunted with the reality of how this information entered my space, the timing of it, my preparation leading up to it...

I research the program once more and know my presence will be divinely accepted in a good way, maybe not to all, but to many.

After this decision is made within myself, my thoughts escape to my beautiful grandmother that was mother to my 7 aunts and 1 uncle and my mother... yes folks, 9 children.

I didn't have much of a relationship with my maternal grandmother. For obvious reasons I can see now that I am an adult and realize the reality of why.

My relationship with my paternal grandmother was always strained... Now being an adult and understanding adoption more... being a child adopted at the age of 6 by my step father... repeating the cycle of adoption and relinquishing my first born son up to adoption... I can understand why my adopted father's adoptive mother's relationship with me was always strained.

In 1986, at a young 16 years of age, I got pregnant. My mother and I had gone to my paternal grandparents for help... maybe let me live with them while I was pregnant because my mother and I were not getting along. My paternal grandparents, (my biological father's adoptive parents) said "no thanks, we are too old for this".

Seriously, the next year, my cousin on my paternal side gets herself in the same predicament and she goes to my grandparents... Yep, after I relinquished my baby out of lack of resources, my same grandparents accept my cousin in their home and support her with keeping her child... For you see, my cousin is their biological son's biological daughter, making her... their biological granddaughter. Whereas, I was their adopted son's biological daughter.

My maternal grandmother was too busy on the road with my maternal grandfather managing hotels and storage units.

I realize while pondering in the shower, "I am advocating for the most important family role... GRANDPARENTS..." We can't have too many people who love us unconditionally, believe in us without judgment, cheer us on to be all who we can be. Instead of adoptive parents permanently severing the biological ties... sign on as grandparents... LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER. Become the greatest grandparents in the neighborhood loving mothers in need, eager to help, love and nurture all.

I truly believe, if I had a neighborhood mother figure that accepted me as her own daughter being 16 and pregnant... willing to be there for me, mentor with me, having her utmost interest be mine instead of the possible obtainable baby that I am bringing into the world... that would have been huge! What teen gets along fabulously with their own parents. If only I had someone besides my own a supportive grandmother... I have three words that come to mind... confidence, assurance, love... Sounds like great ingredients for raising a child.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Excited to Feeling Complete

I"m reading "Lost & Found...The Adoption Experience" by Betty Lifton. I know, I can not seem to get over the subject. lol. Anyways, I just got reading "not knowing your geneaology, adoptive parents cannot understand the significance of the adoptees skills nor envisage his potentials... Adoptees must get to know their biological parents AND extended family"

This gets me thinking in the shower... "wow! I love my Aunts and Uncle, cousins, my own biological mother, Grandmother and pa, and most certainly that Great Grandmother Cheshire. I then drift into appreciation for each and every one of them... My aunt Kathy who has the same love for travel as I; My drop dead gorgeous aunt Jerry, I love her humor, I love her double aunt status that provided a son that gives me a peek of how I could have looked if my step dad was my biological father. For you see my auntie Jerry had married my step dad's brother and had my cousin, my cuz cuz; My aunt Linda, who taught me how sensitive and sweet someone can be past the tough exterior; My mother, what courage and confidence! Being a teen mom that chose against adoption and raised my sister and I; My aunt Susan, its okay for us to be oblivious to our husband's companies and business dealings; My aunt Gay, the quieter one, very much like my sister, I love her humor, I love how warm I feel whenever I am around her; My aunt Jan, my twin at some angles, showed me how resilient and strong us women can be, us Quigleys are survivors and leaders!; My Uncle Mick, a perfect example of how my sons are to treat us women, Quigley or otherwise; My other twin, aunt Bonnie. The youngest of the bunch, the one who I resonate most with. Not only did she have my twin cousin, she has lived many examples which has brought me such divine wisdom to how I should handle situations in my life and to act out of love rather than judgment; My many cousins who are all living similar parts to my life; My grandmother, another twin to my sister...soft, gentle and always listening for a good story; My grandpa, helps me understand the dysfunctional cycle that is inherited to break and heal from by awareness; last but not least, one of the women that continued it all... Great Grandma Cheshire, what an amazing strong woman she was who has orphan/abandonment stories in her life that help me understand more versions of "adoption/foster/orphan".

I just had to blog and acknowledge how I am so blessed and grateful to have history to half of me. My only desire is to now gain the other half. To get to know my biological heritage even further by meeting my biological paternal grandmother that lost her son, my father, to adoption, would be complete. I can not wait to add to my family, the new uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents of old. I am very excited to get to know, ME.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Another "Law of Attraction"

I have just found an album that I have not been able to find to replace since vinyl, just because they went out of print when vinyl records went to cassette tape.

Lions & Ghosts were a band ahead of their time in 1986 and were on the verge to becoming something huge along with Camper Van Beethoven, the Replacements and R.E.M. Unlike aforementioned bands, Lions & Ghosts took the advice of the mainstream airwave DJ's instead of college based DJ's (who thought the band was tailored made for campus stations). With their second album release they changed their sounds from "too understated and moody for mass acceptance" to "more of a straightforward, roots-rock approach". It didn't sell and that was the end of Lions & Ghosts. I never forgot about Lions & Ghosts.

In 1986 I had moved to California to live with my father...

who is an adoptee, married my mother because they got pregnant with me when they were 17, divorced when I was 4 because he had a temper that grew to extreme rages, wanted her to baby him like she was his mother but wanted to have control over her as if she were his possession. He constantly had friends over... being the guy with the pad to hang out have keggers and get high on drugs... My mother being a great doting mother to me and my sister opted to get out of the unhealthy relationship. After the divorce, my mother found a great man to take good care of her and her girls. My daddy became daddy Randy, then just Randy. Being an adoptee it was too much rejection having his only known blood relatives be separated from him and then legally reject him by getting adopted to my step dad who took over the shoes that he was incapable to fill... "DAD".

So anyways, back to 1986 when my sister and I moved to California to live with Randy. I had just relinquished my first born son up for adoption at the age of 16...

back then, "if you loved your baby you did the most unselfish thing and gave him a better life with two parents that had good jobs to be able to give this baby a better life than a teenager could ever give them"... i loved my baby, so out of lack of resources of knowing that ultimately all this baby needed was my love, lack of confidence that all the other stuff would fall into place... I chose to place my baby up for adoption with my mother supporting me with the same lack of resources to let her know that all this baby needed was her love and lacked her own confidence... being a teen mother herself who chose to keep her baby, married the guy, divorced... thought she could give her first born grandson a better life than she thought she was able to give her girls...

There is a method to how the universe works... when you look back at your blood heritage, you can definitely see a pattern... here is one of mine... my mother got pregnant at a young age became a teen mother. She married my father who is an adoptee... Because of the side effects of adoption, she had to get out of the marriage and without knowing the side effects of adoption, the cycle was repeated and she lost her first born grandson up for adoption and he became a repeated cycle of Randy, my father.

Luckily, the universe interrupted the repeated path of my father, Randy who has had an ongoing problem with drugs... now a days his drugs are legally prescribed... whatever... anyways, unlike my father, my son was blessed with being reunited with his original mother... ME. By being able to identify with who he is and know he is loveable because I can't help but love him as the son of mine he truly is, my son healed and changed his path to a healthy path.

Anyways, back to my whole point of my story that totally goes along with things coming full circle starting with my "aha"... through finding Lions & Ghosts on the internet after all these years and hearing their songs for the first time since we used to listen to them via record (ya record, that is what we listened to on Randy's biggest furniture item - his record player, with the hugest speakers ever made). It got me thinking... "ya know, we always want what we can't have".

I found this to be true when I moved to Texas and was in the mood for cinnamon bears (a gummy candy not to be mistaken as a roll, as was the case in Texas)... I looked and looked for a bag of the delicious candy, realizing for the first time that I had such a like for the item. I came to the realization that you cannot find a cinnamon bear anywhere in the state of Texas... Unable to have choice that I eat this candy or not, I became quite obsessed/addicted whichever way you see it. Every time I came home to Utah for a visit I would bring an empty suitcase to fill with 10 pd bags of cinnamon bears to take home to Texas. Cinnamon bears became all that I ate when I lived in Texas. As soon as I move back home to Utah 2 years later, the addiction/obsession has subsided... I can drive to the local grocery store anytime, anywhere in Utah and purchase a bag of cinnamon bears. I seriously rarely eat them now.

So... I just found Lions & Ghosts the album that I have craved to listen to for 24 years... as good as it was to hear them and I am glad I have them on my ipod, I rarely listen to them and realize they were not as hard to live without as I was thinking, they were just unobtainable to me like cinnamon bears.

The thing it got me focused on was my book... I have plenty of publishers asking me to publish with them for such and such money that I could pay them to publish my book. They basically will publish anyone that would pay them. I have been passing out my story to those that ask to hear it. I just got back from an adoption conference in New York City where there were many people affected by adoption that have wrote their story. Everyone has a story, so what is so different about mine... it is unobtainable at the moment which is putting more desire energy on it...I am handing it out for free on my dime to mail it all over the USA... My focus is on bringing awareness, not making money.

I have made a new friend that gave me the greatest message... "It's all about love. If we say it in love, if we are motivated by love, we stay on the right track."

Conclusion to my thoughts... Look forward to seeing my book published available on the shelves at bookstores, libraries and internet soon. Without a doubt in my mind, I know a publisher will find out about my book and offer to publish without me having to pay them.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

My Story

So let me get you up to speed where I am at in my life.

I have been reunited with my first born son for 5 years. We went through the whole cycle of reunite; honeymoon, reality, rejection and cant live without you. February 2009 made it 3 going on 4 years reunited. February 2009, he left to go on an LDS mission. It has been 18 months since I have seen my son. I have written him faithfully and have sent numerous packages which only half, if I am lucky, make it.

It has given me a total perspection of an open adoption. You may write them frequently, send packages, talk to them twice a year on the phone, but go a very long time without seeing him, hugging him, kissing him, having real conversations with him, most of all living life with him.

I seriously dont think I will ever get over placing my baby up for adoption.

People are constantly telling me, "Just be grateful you have him back in your life! You are so blessed! What a great story!"

Is it though? Such a great story that I designed this perfect plot I call my life...

I am blessed in so many ways and I realize that to really know something, you have to really live the opposite of it to be grateful for it.

With that said... I am extremely grateful for the quality time I spend with my other two children.

I turned down the opportunity God gave me to spend quality time with my first born son because of lack of confidence that I could not give this baby what he; nice clothes, a nice place to live, a happy functioning family, lots of toys, music lessons, basically... important opportunities in life.

If I would have known that all this baby needed was my love and the rest would fall into place, there would be such a different "story".

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Enjoy Children Distracting You

We are all moved in!!! I cannot say enough how perfect life is for me right now. I thank the universe, angels, fairies and God for rewarding me so well for my hardships and challenging life I have traveled so far.

I still have hardships I deal with... without them life would be over, right... but being in this new home, I refer to as fairytopia, I am able to deal with the bull s--t and let my sanctuary fill me with the positive energy it flows with.

I have a lot to do, unpacking, painting, cleaning, etc... but I am able to let it sit and still be there for me later. Its summer and I live in a very fairlicious neighborhood. How can I resist walking to the neighborhood pool on such gorgeous days. I haven't walked in the neighborhood for travel to get somewhere since before I obtained a driver's license.

My daughter had a sleepover...

We have become very good friends with the Fords, they live in the same high exhausting energy our family lives in. Typically, people - whether they are family or friends - get very exhausted by our extremeness. It is refreshing to find a family that runs on the same voltage.

Anyway... the girls wanted to check out the neighborhood pool. Its a bit of a walk, but I had just finished my Wayne Dyer book about living the Tao and one of the ending statements is we need to walk more and use technology less. I took this opportunity to "live the Tao" and hey, I wanted to connect to this luscious area like a child does on a walk. Us adults miss so many roses to smell driving by in a car.

What a refreshing time I had! I was 10 again. We picked and ate fresh raspberries (accidently ate a bug), admired horses, chased peacocks, spied on snakes, chatted with neighbors, explored jungles waded through a creek and ran through sprinklers.

I still have unpacking, painting and cleaning waiting for me but how blessed am I that three little girls distracted me and invited me to join their world. I encourage all to do as the Tao suggests, live more simple and innocent like a child.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Gifts at the Laundry Mat

I had an amazing experience at the laundry mat...

I have been busy packing up our house. We don't have any idea where we are going to end up yet, but we are to be out June 30th.

We have been renting for 2 years in a wonderful house that welcomed me and my family from the moment I set foot in the door.

As the universe would have it, this was just a pit stop for added healing for our family.

The home owners have decided they would like to move back and not proceed on the sale. As much as I have loved this home, I can see how it is time to move on.

Our family has moved often. My son likes to announce, "I have been to eleven school and I am only in 7th grade."... No, we have not moved eleven times... he just is pretty particular where he attends.

This home has been wonderful for our family. The ward and neighbors are the best I have ever experienced! I am so thankful for the Olsen's sharing their home with us. It is a true gift from them... to take a holiday from their home and have it be ours for 2 years... what a blessing for them to be able to return.

I have been looking and looking for the house that is to be our next home. The craziest thing... NOTHING is out there. All the homes are in foreclosure or short sales... which are not short at all,... We got 30 days!!! Even though we are prequalified, we are running into universe road blocks everywhere.

The house that we found that felt like THE one, fell through. At first it seemed ideal. It would be available the same time we needed and they would rent to us first to allow time to do the paperwork for the sale.

We pay the $35.00 for the credit check, its approved and then our honesty about having a dog sours the deal... No way, they have had a very bad experience having a tenant with a dog... We invite them to come see where we live and see how the dog is totally not an issue.

We offer to enter a contract to purchase the home after 6 months of leasing.

They counter offer stating... $10,000 down non refundable to go toward the sale, but forfeited if we didn't purchase after a year.

We accept...

And then they countered adding another $5,000...

We walked away from the deal.

I can not find any home available to us.

I continue to pack breaking down my house and today I am at the laundry mat washing large bedding. I am not very familiar with laundry mats. The only way I even know where one exists is thanks to Justin... Steve didn't want Justin's work clothes to be done in our washer. So, Justin obediently found a laundry mat close to our home and had asked me to drive him to the laundry mat so he could wash his clothes one time.

I couldn't recall how much it takes to wash a load or dry for that matter... I had collected eight dollars worth of quarters out of our jar and Steve had given me 2 quarters and off I went with no other cash than $8.50 in quarters.

I load up the washer and realize just to wash a load would be $7.50. Oh wells, I will just be able to dry for $1.00 worth. I sit down and read Doreen Virtue's, "The Light Workers Way". Enjoying nearing the end, reading how simple it truly is and realizing how much her words ring familiar and true to me.

The washer finishes up and I pull the comforter out and my first tug exposes a wet dollar. I instantly acknowledge this gift from the angels. It is a miracle, how a dollar would get in my comforter, that i had just stripped off my bed and loaded in the car.

I smile and thank my angels, knowing my stuff must need to take $2 worth to dry. Sure enough, I get over there and I need $1 more. I go to the change machine and it won't take my wet dollar. I go out to find a neighboring business to see if I could trade them a dollar, and they are closed... At that moment a lady came out of the laundry mat and I ask her if she has spare quarters in exchange for a wet dollar.

She happily whips out four quarters and asks if I needed more... for you see, the change machine had given her an extra dollar in quarters and she said she even had an extra dollar even if I just wanted to keep my wet dollar.

I thank her saying, "No, im good, here is my wet dollar. thank you so much."

What a wonderful experience at the laundry mat. How can I deny the gifts.. that dollar out of nowhere... the (angel) lady leaving the laundry mat appearing out of nowhere... the extra free quarters given to her from the laundry mat that she was willing to add to my pocket...

Such a pleasant experience... knowing that these wonderful pleasant friendly people I am always encountering... I do know on a deeper level than just this physical experience and we chose to say hello at the... gas station, grocery store, bank... or my favorite... the laundry mat.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Love and Light to ALL "birth" mothers out there.

Had a great Memorial weekend! We didn't go on vacation for once. We stayed home, cleaning and getting ready to move. On Monday, my husband has a new friend that invited the family over for a barbecue.

We had a really good time. Instantly, our families got along. Throughout our visit, I became clear on "their story". Their story is so parallel to our story in so many ways. One way in particular, I am a birth mother who has had a pretty successful reunite with my birth son. My husband's friend is an adoptee that has had a not so pretty successful reunite with his birth mother.

Throughout our visit, we were able to share the perspective of the other side... the view from a birth mother... and the view from the adopted side. I was thankful for MY situation for once... I chose to place my son up for adoption even though I feel I was brainwashed by societies thinking... I could not possible raise my baby being a teenager... even though my parents were comfortably well off... if I love my baby, I will give him a better life and place him up for adoption... I have had a hard time healing from, what I feel... my baby being legally kidnapped from me in the name of adoption.

But to hear about a birth mother who was a year older than me, 17, have no choice to keep or place her baby. She was taken to a home for unmarried pregnant women... left there by her parents (abandoned)... was not told that her baby was being placed because her parents signed her rights away to her baby because she was months shy of being an adult... after giving birth to her son and holding him with joy and love exploding in her heart as any mother feels... the nurses tell her that the baby needs a bath and takes him away from her... for her to never see again or even be able to say good bye.

It saddened my heart immensely to hear that the reunion did not go so well. The birth mother was a little too suffocating and too emotionally needy, it is too much for their family to welcome her in their life as much as the birth mother would like.

This saddened me even further. Being a birth mother and knowing firsthand how much I love my first born son that I placed up for adoption. Knowing how much I pine to cradle him, hold him, make up for lost time of adoring him, thinking... if I were that birth mother... I would be a wreck! I can barely handle the rejection from my son's adopted parents, but to even think of my son rejecting me and not allowing me be in his life as much as I presently desire to be in my son's life... HEARTBREAKING... not to mention that this birth mother totally had her baby legally kidnapped in the name of adoption.

The sadder thing about the situation for me... to hear how there is no understanding for the birth mother... the focus is always on the feelings of the adoptive parents because they were such devoted parents... and if the birth mother would have raised him, he would be basically a loser, supposedly.

My husband's friend had been adopted by a wealthy family and has been able to be provided for in every way imaginable... they don't realize... he would have been just as successful in life... probably even more so... because he would have had the unconditional love that comes naturally from the original mother... the side effects from the primal wound of being separated from your mother as an infant would not have affected him in life.

Even though I did not go on that subject...tonight... it totally dawned on me on how much this world needs to be brought awareness from the birth mother's perspective. There is only one difference in losing your child up for adoption and having your baby kidnapped... there is an unspoken justification that you don't have your baby because... it is "your consequence for your behavior".

The heartache and sorrow of your baby being taken away from you, is the same physical sorrow of any mother that has her baby kidnapped/taken/separated from her days old... but as a "birth" mother, it is not acceptable to honor your loss and feelings of pain and sorrow... because you brought the situation upon yourself.

I left the barbq with love in my heart for a birth mother in Connecticut.

I constantly question if I should go public with my book, or forget about it just like all generations of old have.

I'm sorry folks, when I hear other peoples stories, I have to speak out.

Love and Light to everyone involved in Adoption

Monday, April 26, 2010

Quite a Weekend

I had quite an eventful weekend! But all and all, it was superb! My weekend starts out Friday...

I have this wonderful friend, Renata. For the most part, I can drop by anytime and she is present for a wonderful visit. I drop by and she updates me on her newly adopted butterfly...

Renata is so connected with nature, the insects seem to gravitate toward her for nurturing. Last year, a baby praying mantis the size of a 1" sliver came in her space... if I remember correctly, it was the end of winter when we still are having snow storms... Renata had nurtured this praying mantis and shared with me the interesting facts that she learned from helping this unique creature from the insecta family. It grew at tremendous speed. She always allowed it his freedom... and one day when it was ready to be weaned... she never saw it again.

Well back to the newly adopted butterfly... once again, when we were nearing the end of our winter here in utah with snow still on the ground for most of the days, Renata had found this caterpillar crawling on the sidewalk beside her. She created a habitat for the thing and before you know it, the caterpillar is gone and a cocoon is in its place. Having no idea how to nurture a cocoon properly, she just does what comes so naturally to her and guesses what would be the best... She was so cute, she had sent me a video via phone of the cocoon moving...

So anyways... she reported to me that the butterfly had came out of the cocoon and was drying out its wings but sticking around unafraid of her. She had moved its open cage habitat in her room in fears that the butterfly was too vulnerable for the birds. She has now lost sight or knowledge of its whereabouts and cannot imagine what happened.

Friday night, I come home to realize that my Sexi Lexi, (chinese crested hairless mexican dog that i have had for 9 years) is not doing well. I am realizing I am going to have to put her down, she has been having blood in her bathroom business and I have been keeping her locked up in her bed area because she can't seem to hold her bathroom business.

Saturday morning I take my dog in and watch for the first time ever, something be totally alive one second and then seconds later take a last breath. I knew it had to happen, even though she seemed so full of life, I knew she had to have been in a lot of pain... For you see, I had mysteriously got a Urniary Tract Infection the same time my dear dog was having these signs... I couldnt help but to acknowledge the "coincidence ". I understood clearly how bad blood in your urine can hurt.

After saying goodbye to a dear sweet spirit that our family will never forget, I pick up my son from my sister's house, he has a basketball game.

I am feeling the pain from my UTI returning, but I refuse to miss another game of his. Getting ready to head for the door, I realize my mother is here, I had forgotten about her coming to watch Dallen's game. What perfect timing, always good to have your mommy around when you're not feeling well. We go to Dallen's game and the other team had to forfeit because their team arrived too late. The kids still wanted to play, so the teams still played and the scorekeepers stayed and kept score, but the refs went home. Folks, this was the best game ever, they all played like superstars! My son Dallen was making all these trick move layups and rebounds, they were passing amazing, working together as a team, they were so in sync with one another. They dominated with a score of 78-46. So glad I didn't miss this one!

My mother takes me directly to the doctor and my husband takes the children to Lagoon, (a local Utah amusement park). I was so grateful to have the company of my mother... but she exhausts me and I her. For the most part, we got along and agreed, but it never fails... eventually... the subject always turns to some disagreement of views and opinions. We have learned that we agree that we disagree and just cannot talk about it.

The subject... adoption... a subject I seriously am so done talking about, I am so done talking about it, that I cannot stand seeing or hearing about it. She disagrees and thinks it was a great marvelous thing and it is the Lords way... HOGWASH I cannot sit quietly and agree or listen to any of this. I turned out great because that is just the way I am, I would have turned out great even if I would have kept my child and raised him and I refuse to believe any different anymore. My first born son turned out wonderful and I believe he would have turned out just as wonderful especially if people abandon adoption instead of the birth mother.

I am being accused of being a "radical".

Homeschooling my 13 year old son Dallen, through K12 we are learning about all the "RADICALS" in 1965. Thanks to these "radicals" slavery was ended and laws were changed so the blacks had the same rights as whites. So guess what, I am proud to be accused of being a "radical". It takes us Radicals to get things changed.

So anyways, it's time for my mother to go and not a second too soon. lol I proceed to go pick up my new prescription. I'm waiting in the drive up, in my restored '67 Mustang, a car I have had since I was 17, with the motor off. And who pulls up in the slot next to me? None other than Jeanne, a lady in the neighborhood who has recently adopted newborn twins. Jeanne and I are always entering each other's space at the most bizarre perfect times... Here I am recuperating from a visit with my mother that ended with a little heated discussion about adoption and my truth that I will not sit quite about the side effects of adoption and I will continue to help others understand my plan to encourage mothers to keep their babies and have others understand the importance to not abandon the mothers, love them and help them raise their own babies by mentoring, loving and helping them... We know the other is there, but I am not in the mood to acknowledge her presence just as she is not in the mood to acknowledge mine. I can't help but to hear what she is there for, she is picking up a prescription for those new born babies of hers that she has recently adopted... a documented side effect from babies trying to adjust being taken away from their birth mother. They have such a hard time adjusting, most babies develop some kind of infection, breathing problem... something. I retrieve my medicine out of the contraption, start my car up and the song that starts playing, "I've got everything I want (almost)" Blues Brothers. I can't help get a huge grin on my face. I take all these events as a divine message that I am doing what is right speaking out.

I continue on to Ann Marie's house. Ann Marie is a dear friend from back in the day. Ann almost followed in my same footsteps back in the day. Back in the day, it was such the belief if you get pregnant as a teenager, you give your baby up for adoption. Up until six months along Ann was planning on placing her first born up for adoption... Until, her bishop educated her that all this baby needed was her love, everything else will work out. Ann kept her first born, a daughter, married the father and had a son shortly after with the same man. She is another one of my testaments that teenagers that keep their babies turn out great, as do their children. Ann was holding a barbeque in her son's honor. Ann Marie's son is leaving to go on a Tonga speaking mission to New Zealand. He has turned out wonderful, as has Ann.

Sunday, we go to the farewell at their church... and lo and behold... Dave Osborn, papa to those Shedaisy's and a papa of the neighborhood ward I had grown up in, is conducting Stake business. After hugging Ann's son a job well done, I was hugging a happy hello, how have you been, glad to see you to another wonderful person from my past, that knows me very well.

I do say, I had quite an eventful weekend! But all and all, it was superb!

Friday, April 16, 2010

The Cycles of Life

I will be turning the big 4 0 this month. I remember thinking, "Argh, the day I turn into an old woman, what dread." Yet, I am facing the day, with so much wisdom... the wisdom is so worth the wrinkles.

While I was styling my hair today, I had the urge to style my hair in the 80's fashion, a fashion I know oh so well. I have a little bit of natural curly hair and I am able to scrunch with ease to a stylin do straight from the 80's.

As I am scrunching with the defuser, (a must needed tool for such a task), I am letting my thoughts go where they want to take me. They took me to the thought of, "wow, if only I could relive the eras of growing up with this knowledge"... isnt that just what all 40 year olds say... As I am daydreaming... I realize, the order of events of my life... its as if they are repeating.

Entering into adulthood at 19ish, we are like infants. Entering a new world of living, adjusting to being an adult. My sister and I always laugh with embarrassment how naive we were in our 20's thinking we know everything... The biggest laugh, we both dressed like grown ups. Had mature mommy hairdos. We still don't know if it was the syle of the 90's or the style for being in your 20's.

Entering the 30's, when you really do know everything, all these issues start surfacing. It is like reliving junior high. You rebel against your parents once again. This time, disagreeing with the choices they made and how they handled things... with the knowledge we do have as an adult thus far... for myself, being a person that can not keep my mouth shut when I strongly disagree with something or know a better way and have a strong desire to share my knowledge with all those that will listen... it is mirroring the fear of rejection one does experience in junior high... except this time, I am not not willing to sell out to what everyone else believes. The totally cool thing, to top it off... I have been reaquainted with all of those dear friends of mine from those teenage years. It truly is as if we are reliving those teenage years with this wisdom.

I am handling the rejection with my head held high... how?

I have the confidence and love for myself that only can come from within... and that is what entering my 40's is all about!

Love and Light to all of you mastering this so called thing we call life.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

What I Think

This month I have been pondering... "Wouldn't it just be better if I could ignore my feelings regarding how wrong adoption is and just forget about it. The cycle is over for me and my immediate family; I have lived it and learned, I am somewhat 'over it' as much as I think I will ever be; nothing I can do about it now, you can't change the past so just pretend it didn't happen, we are together now..."

But you know what? I cannot stand idle and not bring awareness to others. I have upset a lot of my family members with my openness about my new opinion of adoption. "We need to pull together as a family when a member gets faced with a trial, (such as an unexpected pregnancy or a shark biting your leg off) you don't encourage anyone in your family to give up the trial they have been given.

What's with the comparison you ask? ...

When I found myself pregnant a month before I was to turn 16, LIFE WAS OVER AS I KNEW IT... my life as a teenager was put on a halt.

I was so confused...

how could I go on living life as I know it?

being responsible for another, when I didn't want to own any responsibility for myself...

Instead of encouraging me to face my trial and learn my lesson with the support of my well to do parents ($) I was encouraged to relinquish my rights to my first born son and go about my life the easier way without the burden of a baby...

Other physical trials that get thrown in our space we don't get much of an easy way out. You get your leg bit off and you just learn a new way to walk the walk of this new life that you don't know anything about.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Define "Mother"

I have been studying angels and how things work down here on this dimension, earth. I have to share with you my most fabulous recent discovery.

The teacher was sharing with us, "Spiritually, we are all just equal. Spiritually, I am no one's mother".

That got my attention, I am constantly confused with my own feelings on the subject "mother". What defines a mother? Being a "mother" that lost my first son to adoption, I am constantly struggling with my deep "mother" feelings that I have for my first son whom I have been reunited with for four years now. I thought when I said goodbye on Christmas Day in 1986, I would forget about the whole incident.

I was programmed through the adoption agency, "There is no bond between mother and child. A child bonds with the mother who cares for him. As long as his needs are getting met, it doesn't matter who is meeting them."

I said goodbye and never forgot about the whole incident.

I always carried a prayer in my heart to meet again, confused as to what I would be to him.

The teacher continues; "Physically, this body (pointing to herself) is my son's body's mother. This body of mine knows everything my son needs. Our body is like a computer. No other body could mother my son's body better than my body."

Folks, do you know how much I loved hearing this!!! That is my truth! My truth that I struggle to tone down. It is so unacceptable for me, the "birth" mother to acknowledge this strong motherly love for my first born son.

I recently read a post on FauxClaud's blog "Yeah I'll bother..."

So glad you did!!! I loved all of the comments that supported my true feelings of this motherly bond I have with my son that I only got to hold for 3 days. I must quote a post that was posted by anonymous, "i parented my surrendered child for 4 days in the hospital... is there a time limit when we are called parents? So a woman who delivers a stillborn infant, is she not a parent? Is a woman who buries her child who died at 2 days old... is she not a parent? I AM MY first born son's mother. I took very good care of him during my pregnancy, HOW DARE YOU DENY ME THE TITLE OF MOTHER!!! I took care of him in the hospital and made a decision when he was 4 days old that changed his whole life. I regret that decision. However, only a PARENT could have made that decision."

I recently have returned from a weekend getaway to Vegas. Just my husband and I, no kids.

I am just starting to break away from the younger kids beings they are 11 and 13. I have not ever spent time away from my younger two... another side effect from placing my first born up for adoption. While I was away missing my children, I realized... "I miss all three the exact same. I don't miss my younger two more because I have changed their diapers and wiped their noses. I pine for my younger two at the same level I ache for my oldest."

I have been accused of pining for my first born too much and overlooking my two beautiful children that I have at my fingertips.

Well folks, yes I have had my younger two at my fingertips... but as soon as they are out of arms reach, I pine for them just as deeply.

I soon started analyzing my relationship with my parents. My parents consists of my mom and step dad that has raised me since I was 5 and my daddy randy. When I have gone a while without seeing my step dad, whom I love and adore, it's like going a while without seeing a great friend... good to see them when you finally do, but no worries. When I have gone a while without seeing my mom and daddy randy, it is a physical withdrawal... I pine to see them.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

treat me like your daughter not the ex wife

it's amazing to me how people enter my path in the way that they do. last night i went to a wedding reception. it was for a friend of the past's daughter. let me go into how i got reacquainted with this friend of my past...

this ward that i live in is magical. the theme..."small world". i am surrounded by ward family members from my past. not only is the relief society president my piano teacher from when i was in 6th grade; all the payne's are here (another family that i had grown up with); one of my car pool kid's mom that lives 5 houses down is the sister of a dear friend of mine from the summit park ward; and now a dear friend from my herriman ward has arrived. her youngest is a few months older than my son. my son and her son were one of each other's first souls to meet as a buddy down here on earth.

we didn't stay long in herriman. 10 months after my son was born we moved to cottonwood heights where we lived for 8 years. after that, we were divinely placed in texas until we returned to those beautiful mountains in utah.

this herriman neighbor of mine from the past, moved to this mountainside the same time we did. we were not aware of this until... magically, our ward boundaries were requested to totally be changed. the outcome of this... I WAS RELEASED FROM MY CALLING AS THE GOSPEL ESSENTIALS TEACHER hallejiah praise the Lord!!! and we were reacquainted with our dear friends from a ward family from our past.

well, back to my original story... last night i went to a wedding reception...

it was this friend's daughter that was getting married. they threw the wedding in a few weeks time and it was important to me to support them in this. it was a busy day for me and i had been running from one thing to another all day long. i had time to squeeze this reception in, but i only had time to dart in then dart out. i pull up to our church and the parking lot is full.

i am extremely impressed with the support they received, beings it was so all of a sudden. it just shows how supportive they themselves are to others.

right when i walk in, i see a family from our herriman ward.

folks, when i see someone from my past...i acknowledge you like we were best friends. i keep a certain connection with people that have been in my space. as you age, you realize how connected you truly are to all these people. kids that you went to school with from elementary - high school, neighbors, teachers, and even in my case...principals. lol

so anyway, this person from 13 years ago... recognized me too. so we instinctively hug (because that is how i am), say hello and catch each other up.

well, let me fill you in on the past that i did not realize until too deep into the subject to back out...

when we were living in herriman, i was trying to get pregnant and eventually did invetro and was blessed with my 2nd born son, 1st to be able to raise. well, when you are going through experiences in your own life... you tend to take notice of others that are in similar boats. and sometimes, we even take notice of others as a forewarning of whats to come without even connecting it until years later. and then when we connect

well, this lady had a natural child of her own, she wanted to adopt and had an opportunity to foster a young child and possibly adopt.

thats when we moved...

so im updating her on my moves since then and how we were divinely placed in texas... we have been reunited with my son i lost to adoption for 4 years... and how divine it was to meet up with our friend that we have in common.

she looks overloaded with the information that i just spit out in a matter of minutes.

i look to the long line and am about ready to excuse myself to go butt in line somewhere to be able to get out of here.

she then asks me where do the adoptive parents live...

"well, when my first born son realized he could not live without me...which is a step in the reunion healing process... the parents graciously sold their house in wyoming and bought a house 10 minutes away from my house."

"how is that going?" she asks with a sickened look on her face. she is starting to look extremely uncomfortable with our conversation, looking fearful, skittishly looking at im connecting... adoptive teenage daughter that has taken too much interest in our conversation.

i then calmly reply, "they treat me like the ex wife. instead of treating me like their own... my true belief as a 'birthmother', they should have treated me like their own daughter from the beginning. they should have befriended me in the beginning and mentored with me helping me raise my baby, loving me as their daughter and be thankful for the wonderful opportunity i gave them to be such a huge part in our lives... by them treating me like an ex wife, they are missing out. i have two other children that i would share with them. love is huge. there are families with ten children and you dont see them unable to share the love around."

i continue testifying, "the bond between mother and child is so amazingly strong. stronger than i ever imagined. you think you relinquish those feelings and connection, but you don't... how i dealt with losing my child to never happened my baby died, it never happened my baby died... then here he is standing before me... it never happened my baby died...but here he is... it never happened my baby died... but here he is. it has been very hard to pretend it didn't happen and even harder to pretend i don't love him as much as i do. i have finally freed myself of pretending, i wrote a book and claim him out loud and proud."

i then ask her, "didn't you foster?"

she quickly answers, pointing at her daughter "yes and then adopted her because she was taken away from her birthmother because she was not safe."

i then tell her, "the truth is always better knowing than pretending you're just a perfect little natural family. i think that door should always be open to the 'birthmother'. is the door open to the 'birthmother'?"

getting very defensive she projects, "i would if she wasn't a harm to my daughter. i do have contact with the extended family though."

"well, time heals all."

"yes, im sure your relationship with the adoptive parents will work out for the best."

she then hurriedly excuses herself saying they had to go and i proceed to another familiar face that happened to be at the front of the line, divinely saving me a spot to be able to get out of there in the perfect timing i needed. i go through the wedding party congratulating and head for the door to get back home... directly in my path... that same chicki that had excused herself obviously to escape my clenches...haha. panic is on her face as she sees me i walk by, i happily, full of joy, give her a loving stroke on her shoulder and say in my joyful singing voice "hello hello." and continue out of the building.