Sunday, January 22, 2012

My Beloved Son

My son Dallen and I have been going to an amazing healer. No pretending with her... she reads energy and your mind. She is absolutely amazing. My son and I have been having a hard time with the reality of adoption and reunion. He lost a brother just as I lost a son. I never realized that relinquishing my first born son to adoption would also hugely affect my 2nd born, first raised, son... Dallen has suffered a phobia of being kidnapped his whole life and he still suffers often not feeling safe even currently at the age of 15.

Kai, (my first born) Dallen's brother, entered Dallen's life when he was 9 and Kai was 19. It was hard in the beginning for Dallen just as much as it was difficult for me. Dallen, being the "oldest" in our raised family unit was demoted to middle child. Instead of his dad asking him to go places, this new older brother was being asked and he felt like his spot was taken as oldest son. Dallen also had insecurities that my love wasn't huge enough to share with this new older brother and he had fear that he would receive less love from me with this new older brother moving on the turf. To top it off, Kirah, his little sister who has always treated Dallen poorly because of her bossy ways, was kissing this new older brother's ass even when this new older brother was treating his younger sister more poorly than he ever had. Not to mention, the grandmother's and grandfather's that went gaga goo goo over this new older brother moving on the scene getting all this attention when here he has been right under their noses this whole time. But ... it was all worth it... he now had his older brother in his life.

Conflicting as it has been, wanting Kai 100% in our space/not wanting Kai in our space at all; we had to seek out profession help. We had to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of Kai in our family and accept it for what it is because we cannot change the past. We need to clear the energy, so we can have a healthy relationship in the future since our relationship has been traumatized by adoption... my choice as a 16 year old mother, I know... I will live with that choice for the rest of my life.

It has been a huge blessing to have my son Dallen on this journey of healing with me. He teaches me as much as I teach him. It's crazy, he will process an emotion, have an upset, react, scream and rage... and then, shortly thereafter, I am processing that same emotion and upset he just processed. It was so great to have Dallen to look to and find comfort and laugh saying, "I pulled a Dallen, Dallen knows what I mean." Well, this last process, I went first... not on purpose, it just happened that way. It was good to be able to help Dallen with this process, by helping him through it, I was able to further heal and strengthen my emotional charge on the upset and then in return I was able to further heal and strengthen Dallen on his emotional charge on the upset.

I feel Dallen and I have been able to shift having acceptance that it is what it is. Kai is who he is, and we are who we are. And with that, Dallen said chuckling, "because after all mom, Kai did not ask for this and ultimately he is just making the best of it the only way he knows how... because mom, if it were me that had to be raised without you in Wyoming, I'D BE PISSED."

After these wise words from my beloved son who I refer to as my dessert, (my reward for my obedience to sacrifice a son to the world in the name of adoption so I could help others heal... my reward from above to help me heal first and foremost so I could help others heal... my reward from above to support me and help me heal others... my cherry on top)... I could not help but to feel his words penetrate my soul... "Kai did not ask for this and ultimately he is just making the best of it the only way he knows how... because mom, if it were me that had to be raised without you in Wyoming, I'D BE PISSED."

I have finally been able to accept 100% it is what it is, and I think I can accept I didn't fight hard enough for my motherhood in 1986. I can honestly say, I have fought hard to prove my love to try to earn my motherhood when in all reality, it is what it is and I am who I am... and honestly, nothing can take my motherhood away because it just IS. With that reality, I can let go of all the energy of grieving and trying to earn the place of mother, because whether Kai wants to accept it or not is up to him... and in all reality why should he when I haven't been the one to be there. Like Dallen said "... I'D BE PISSED." So in all reality, I owe my first born an apology... An apology that he has never asked for. An apology that I have just realized the need of, thanks to my beloved son, Dallen.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Madonna Is The MAN

Madonna never ceases to amaze me! I have always admired her bravery to be true to herself and be who she is, no matter what anyone thinks.

The other day, Friday the 13th, my dear friend Tracey Albert called me and asked if I could be her designated driver, she has to get a crown at the dentist...

"Of course!" ... I was delighted to take a day off from my life and serve a dear friend! ... I drop her off, came home to wait for the call to pick her up... The call comes in and I jet to go pick her up, entering the dentist waiting room right at the exact moment ABC 4 NEWS is advertising the 20/20 interview with Madonna... (Folks, I honestly don't make much time to watch TV... so for me to just happen to catch this 15 minutes of TV time at this moment was soo divine!)...

I was excited to be updated on Madonna! What is that girl up to?

To my amazement, she is working on a movie, "WE", which she co wrote and produced to be out February 3rd... It's a great story about Edward VIII leaving his throne of Britain to be with the woman he feel in love with, an American divorcee Wallace Simpson.

The thing that amazed me most, in this part of the interview??? Cynthia McFadden challenged Madonna's position on her belief of the position Edward VIII being a Hitler supporter and other rumors about the couple. I loved Madonna's confidence with her truth and findings from her research about the couple and challenged Cynthia right back, stating that Cynthia would not be able to find anything that supports otherwise... WOW!!! ...

Madonna, you are one smart lady that I truly admire! I always heard that knowledge was powerful... but boy do I love watching Madonna living this concept and being a great example to me... Especially because ... just like Madonna said to Cynthia in this interview, in regards to her love for Wallace Simpson, she has the "ability to survive against all odds... deeply misunderstood by people." ...

Madonna being a true survivor as well that is notoriously deeply misunderstood with judgment her whole life, I'm sure, as not being too intelligent because of her unconventional choices, when in all reality she most likely is one of the most brilliant people amongst us.

The second thing that amazed me was... yes, the part about Lady Gaga. WOW!!! Madonna's vocabulary has always impressed me, but I must say, today was a day to remember! Not only did she think of the best word to describe how she feels about Lady Gaga's song, "Born This Way" being a copy of her "Express Yourself", she stumped Cynthia McFadden on the definition of the word... REDUCTIVE

"Is that good or bad?" Cynthia asks

Classic Madonna... full of grace along with her beauty, reaches for her coffee mug for a sip, and says with such eloquence, "look it up"... !!! I LOVE IT!!!

REDUCTIVE - simplified or crude... I even found a science definition - lower level entity

By the end of the segment I had an over pouring love for Madonna with her comment when questioned by Cynthia McFadden, "Do you feel more authentic when you are without makeup?"...

Madonna replies, "As long as I'm doing what I want to do, whether I am done up in makeup or not it doesn't matter, that is when I am feeling most authentic."...

CHEERS TO MADONNA!!! Exactly!!! "AS LONG AS I AM DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO"... a woman we can all admire and learn to live in our truth to be who we are!!!

It is no wonder Madonna Louise Cicone was named after her mother Madonna Louise, after all, the biblical definition of Madonna is ... a medieval Italian term for a noble or otherwise important woman, and has long been used commonly in reference to images of the Virgin Mary, the mother of Jesus. Madonna also translates as "My Lady" also represented as the Queen of Heaven, often enthroned... (wikipedia)

Madonna, a woman who has truly lived up to her name and will definitely go down in history like the amazing ones before her, such as; Virgin Mother Mary, Mary Magdalen, Jesus, John Lennon, Bob Marley and Martin Luther King just to name a few!