Sunday, April 3, 2011

White lies

Nothing good comes from little white lies. What is a little white lie? a form of a secret? a lie not considered a lie because it is just not the full truth?

I personally think white lies are just as hurtful. The full truth always comes out eventually and when it does, it makes the receiver of the white lie feel like a fool. Not only do you feel like a fool but you question, "why do they feel like they have to lie to me, or not be 100% truthful with me?"

I have just been the receiver of a white lie. I found out the full truth shortly thereafter. I felt like a fool, I felt less than who I am, I felt like... a dirty little secret.

What was the white lie?... I understand the reason to deliver the white lie...

I am in a relationship with my first born son that I lost to adoption. We have been reunited for 5 years now. I have had the prilvilege to serve him in a mother capacity lately by bringing him a packed lunch and enjoying his company for his lunch break from his work that is located minutes from my house.

The other day, I bring him his lunch after confirming that he would like a visit and some food. I get there and he nervously plays this guessing game, "guess who just came minutes before you came?"

"I have no idea"

"Who would be the most awkward persons to show up minutes before you show up?"

"awkward?... I have no idea"

"my parents!"


"they showed up and wanted to take me out to eat, I had to tell them that you are bringing me lunch!"

"you should have called me, I can leave."

"No, it was just barely, I knew you would already be on your way and you already prepared food. I just told them to come bring me food at my other job later."

He rushed through his meal, inhaling as fast as he could. Finishing up in record speed, excusing himself saying, "got to get back to work, now that I am on commission. Thanks for lunch! See you later, bye"

That was weird... but whatever... I will be able to get home sooner to help my other son with his homework.

I get home and my husband informs me that our friend just saw our oldest son at his work eating with his parents.

It all makes sense now... the rushing, the nervous energy, the energy of something not quite right... lying... I felt like such a dirty little secret. It felt no different than when my husband used to lie and cheat on me. They tell you what you want to hear, to save your feelings... you can tell they aren't totally "present" when they are with you... and when you find out the full truth, you feel like a fool, less than who you are, you feel like... a dirty little secret.

It saddens me that my son feels like he cannot be 100% honest with me. I understand he is worried about saving my feelings.

Honesty is always the best, the truth always comes out.

So, I am flipped into an insecurity... a famous feeling in the ring of adoption... does he really want or need me in his life? he has parents, that "I chose" for him... Am I just a filler for what he can't or doesn't get from his parents? How genuine is our relationship? I know I will never get back what I have lost. Relationships are just that, relationships. How much room does one have for relationships? My sister only has room for her immediate family for relationships. I tend to have many relationships with many friends and extended family as well as my solid immediate family.

The relations are different... my relations with my solid immediate family is just that - solid. My other relations have a different level of intensity and they come and go as needed. So my question here, as my first born son that I am legally nobody to is getting ready to expand his "solid" family by entering marriage, am I in the "solid" category or in the "come and go as needed" category?