Tuesday, November 30, 2010

My Son Lost A Brother To Adoption

My son lost two older brothers to adoption. I have not even bothered to realize his loss to the full extent...

Thanksgiving 2005 we found our missing piece to our family puzzle, Kai. The realization of how many years we have missed out and been away from him, unbearable.

Thanksgiving 2010 our elation of our missing piece to our family puzzle, Kai, returning... shattered.

We have been reunited 5 years this holiday season.

The first holiday season of reunite was pure bliss, until Christmas Eve when we were asked to leave by the adoptive parents, so they could have their usual Christmas morning with just their family... this is when we started realizing the true loss of living this puzzle with this piece missing and worse yet... living this puzzle with this piece missing after we have found the missing piece.

The second holiday season, which by the way also includes the anniversary of his birth December 23rd and relinquishment December 25th... aka, the death of my baby... By the second holiday season, there was so much pain from the loss and hidden grief emerging from not only me and Kai, but my husband as well... he is not just a sperm donor that birth fathers are referred as, he is a 17 year old that had no power and lost two sons to adoption without any say... My dear children, Dallen and Kirah, were burdened with this grieving and loss that they themselves did not know how to process... The 2nd season... I kick Kai, my baby I have already rejected and abandoned in the name of adoption providing a better home for him that I can provide, out of my home. For you see, now my home is too good, dysfunctional...whichever way you want to call it... to provide a home for him. I would not accept his behavior and held strong to what behavior of integrity and respect I expect from him... Boy was this a rough season for the whole family.

The third season, we came to the realization that we could not live without each other. Kai asked the family if we could wait until December 26th to celebrate Christmas... we had found one another two Christmas' ago and have yet to spend any holiday with him, even his birthday... We had a very empty, lonely, dragging Christmas Eve, Morning and Day. The children agreed to not acknowledge Christmas Eve, Morning or Day until the following day, so that we all could experience it together... Celebrating a day late was horrible, it didn't feel right and we will never do that again.

The fourth season, Kai was preparing for a mission, had a girlfriend and trying to juggle all these families for the holidays; dividing his time to his girlfriend and her family, the adoptive parents and us. We didn't feel his presence much at all.

The fifth season Kai was on his mission and his absence for the month of December was unbearable for me... I was an absolute wreck. I was reliving the relinquishment, the loss, the grief...This is when I started realizing and remembering facts about 1986. I signed papers... papers relinquishing my rights, passing my opportunity to mother him, be responsible for him, know him, raise him, mentor with him, have more opportunities to serve and love him...to be nothing to him. Our family was able to talk on the phone to our missing piece Christmas morning.

We are coming upon our sixth season... without him... The season is started with the "good" news that he is planning on coming home and leaving to Idaho to go to college...

November 30th, 5 days after Thanksgiving, after hearing the plans for the future... Dallen has been on a short circuit having these screaming rages... I have been on a short circuit and have been having these emotional breakdown cry fests over every little thing... I have put two and two together and acknowledged not only am I affected by losing my son to adoption... my son, Dallen, is pretty affected and continues to be affected by losing his brother to adoption.

Friday, November 26, 2010

"The American Dream"

"The American Dream" ... what is the American Dream?... First let me share a little history I have just learned...Before World WarII unwed mothers and teens kept their illegitimate children, and at one time it was mandatory for the mother to nurse her child for a minimum of 6 weeks to benefit the child of its mother's love... It wasn't until after WWII that adoption became such an epidemic...WWII all the men were fighting the war and us women were fulfilling those jobs available to help support our family... (a first step in the move of women independence!!!) remember "A League of Her Own" with Tom Hanks, Madonna & Rosy...Well, the men come home after the war, and I can only imagine the new independent attitude they feared in their wives... next thing you know, "Leave it to Beaver" June Cleavor is reminding us Americans the focus of "The American Dream", women, remember how much we love working in the home and kitchen raising this perfect family.

Back in the day "an illegitimate child was typically considered a "child of sin", the product of a mentally deficient mother...Before WWII the girl or woman who gave birth to it was expected by family, by community, and by the state to nurture the child and to bring it up. Rarely did others want a child who stood to inherit the sinful character -the mental and moral weaknesses- of its parent...the unmarried mother was viewed as a bad woman who must be punished... Adoption was a rare and unusual thing."

After WWII there was more of a divide of the rich and the poor, before WWII we all were living in poorer conditions, living with our grandparents, sisters, cousins, building this civilization up as we now know it.

The first cases of adoption was based on judgment from society and the affluent infertile mothers, literary kidnapping babies from less fortunate families with permission and acceptance of the states' authorities. Then began a time when welfare passed a stipulation, "any unwed mothers on welfare that get pregnant out of wedlock while on welfare, babies will be relinquished to adoption automatically and the woman is to be sterilized immediately".

With the help of "Leave it to Beaver" people started worrying about what will the neighbors think and their focus was for their daughters to graduate, marry, have two children and live "The American Dream". This is the era of the girls sent away. I am sure you all have heard the horror stories of these teen mothers being rejected by society and their parents having no choice to keep their baby, living isolated in a maternity home (sounds like prison to me, punishment for their immoral behavior).

Well, through time its inevitable to progress to a better way... Women grew up and told their stories of malpractice, neglect and abuse surrounding the adoptions of old, sharing the pain, loss and grief that they continue to suffer from. Society heard them and started glamorizing the new ways of adoption... Closed Adoption, to provide a better life for the unborn child, the tarnished woman can go on with her life as if nothing happened, still be able to live "The American Dream".

Well, through time its inevitable to progress to a better way... Women grew up and are telling their stories of malpractice and neglect surrounding the adoptions of yesterday, sharing the pain, loss and grief that they continue to suffer from. Society is hearing us and they are starting to glamorize the new ways of adoption... Open Adoption, to provide a better life for the unborn child, the tarnished woman can go on with her life as if nothing happened, still be able to live "The American Dream".

Folks, I ask you what really is "The American Dream"?

I will tell you what I believe "The American Dream" to be...LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER

People are confused as to what I mean by this. I practice what I preach, let me share with you all the people I have personally "adopted"...

My twin cousin Jessica, she lost her mother in her late teens and became a single mother for a good part of her life.

Justin, he is my "Blindside", he has a mother that I will never replace but I love the opportunity to love, nurture, believe in Justin and watch him succeed.

My niece Heather, her husband is far away from home serving our country. I happen to always pop in when she needs me and she knows if she needs anything don't hesitate to ask.

Becky Baker, she had an affair with my husband and she had Sidnee. No, it has not been easy... but I worked things out with my husband. It is what it is and in order for me to love his daughter in her highest good is to first and utmost love her mother, Becky Baker. I honestly can say, "I love Becky Baker", she shares this beautiful child with me. There are no fears of me taking her daughter away or judging her. Its not a competition as to who is a better mother. It is what it is...it is healing for everyone involved.

When we judge, we add negative energy to that persons energy field actually manifesting those judgments. When we have sincere love and light in place of judgment, we are adding positive energy to that persons energy field and actually manifesting those beliefs of success for that person.

If I would have held on to judgment you never know how damaging it would have been for my husband's daughter... her mother may have declined in her self esteem and turned to drugs and wild ways.

So, is what I am saying... Live "The American Dream" embrace every opportunity to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND ADOPT THE MOTHER, it truly brings you more joy, children, happiness and blessings.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Grandparents... The Most Important Role in A Family.

I am accepting "My Life's Purpose". It's not a very popular one.

I am preparing myself to attend the Adoption Conference in Utah.

I attended one in New York just this last September. It was my first one ever. I was surprised yet embraced the flavor and energy of the conference...very anti adoption... These people understand me, these people get it... I even braved a moment and shared deep feelings and truths of myself in front of hundreds with emotion, receiving a standing ovation.

I know it is my calling to bring awareness to many. I was very timid of the idea. My life is my life... what's done is done... life goes on... I can't change anything or how it is in my situation... but you know what??? I can for others.

As soon as I accepted the challenge mind, body, spirit...I get notified of the Utah Adoption Conference that is happening in 10 days... I have a gut feeling this conference is not going to be so much on my same page of thinking and understanding.

I research the program and list of speakers... mostly adoptive parents promoting adoption.

Some of the speakers are talking about the problems in adoption and how we can better the practice of it, yet still promoting adoption as a cure for adoptive parents infertility.

I immediately think, "I'm not going"...

As my day and night continues, I am haunted with the reality of how this information entered my space, the timing of it, my preparation leading up to it...

I research the program once more and know my presence will be divinely accepted in a good way, maybe not to all, but to many.

After this decision is made within myself, my thoughts escape to my beautiful grandmother that was mother to my 7 aunts and 1 uncle and my mother... yes folks, 9 children.

I didn't have much of a relationship with my maternal grandmother. For obvious reasons I can see now that I am an adult and realize the reality of why.

My relationship with my paternal grandmother was always strained... Now being an adult and understanding adoption more... being a child adopted at the age of 6 by my step father... repeating the cycle of adoption and relinquishing my first born son up to adoption... I can understand why my adopted father's adoptive mother's relationship with me was always strained.

In 1986, at a young 16 years of age, I got pregnant. My mother and I had gone to my paternal grandparents for help... maybe let me live with them while I was pregnant because my mother and I were not getting along. My paternal grandparents, (my biological father's adoptive parents) said "no thanks, we are too old for this".

Seriously, the next year, my cousin on my paternal side gets herself in the same predicament and she goes to my grandparents... Yep, after I relinquished my baby out of lack of resources, my same grandparents accept my cousin in their home and support her with keeping her child... For you see, my cousin is their biological son's biological daughter, making her... their biological granddaughter. Whereas, I was their adopted son's biological daughter.

My maternal grandmother was too busy on the road with my maternal grandfather managing hotels and storage units.

I realize while pondering in the shower, "I am advocating for the most important family role... GRANDPARENTS..." We can't have too many people who love us unconditionally, believe in us without judgment, cheer us on to be all who we can be. Instead of adoptive parents permanently severing the biological ties... sign on as grandparents... LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER. Become the greatest grandparents in the neighborhood loving mothers in need, eager to help, love and nurture all.

I truly believe, if I had a neighborhood mother figure that accepted me as her own daughter being 16 and pregnant... willing to be there for me, mentor with me, having her utmost interest be mine instead of the possible obtainable baby that I am bringing into the world... that would have been huge! What teen gets along fabulously with their own parents. If only I had someone besides my own mother...like a supportive grandmother... I have three words that come to mind... confidence, assurance, love... Sounds like great ingredients for raising a child.