This morning, my daughter... who has stayed home from school... calls me in and wants me to sit with her while she makes some people on her wii... I'm sitting with her, she says, "I'm making Aunt Karen"... It was interesting how I could see why she made Karen look that way considering the lack of options... Kirah continues to show me all the other family members she has created... What a treat to see how my daughter views the people important in her life, and to see who is on that list.
I say, "you should make Mama and Papa B"... Folks, Mama and Papa B are the adoptive parents who adopted my first born son. We have been reunited with my son for 5 years now... it has not been easy... but we will go into that another time.
Kirah quickly responds and says, "I know! I have been wanting to!"
We continue to create Mama and Papa B.
During the creation of Mama and Papa B via the wii, it came to me...
"Kirah, just think... if Mama and Papa B started their relationship with us the way I am trying to teach people to understand, Mama and Papa B not only would have a special relationship with Kai, (my first born son), they would have a special relationship with you too."
"Oh yeah, they would be more like an aunt and uncle! that would be cool!!!" she exclaims.
I say, "No... check it out... If Mama and Papa B lived down the street or around the corner; started this relationship and mentorship with me, a teenager that just found out she was pregnant and wished she had someone besides her mother to co-parent with"... it would have been great to have a strong father figure to help be in this mentorship/partnership with me, my husband and our future children.
Kirah following me, wanted to hear more...
For you see, if I felt safety with the B's that their best interest is to help me, the mother, raise my child and build a genuine interest in me... being there for me like I am there for Becky, (Becky is the mother of my bonus 5 year old daughter... it has been just as I dreamed it to be... but we will go into that later) I would have been able to count on them to be there for me unconditionally, trusting them to not judge me but to love me, believe in me, help me without any strings attached... no expectations.
Looking back on my life seeing the path I took, putting Mama and Papa B in my life along side me... I think is how I would plug them in my life is just as Becky has plugged me into hers... I would have Mama and Papa B have visitations every other weekend; Friday after school until Sunday whenever the child wishes to come home or when it is convenient for the two parties. Plus every Wednesday after school til 7ish and sometimes Monday if we are missing the other. Being the mother, I would want my child every holiday, as we honor with Becky, but we would make arrangements to go to Mama and Papa B's house as one does with grandparents, taking my kids on vacation if they so choose, all together or individually for better one on one time with each of my children. Do it just as Becky does... call when she needs extra help, whether it be picking her child up an extra day after school so she can go to court, shop, family emergencies, doctors apt, vacations, whichever it may be, I never judge...
I would have had a very lovely relationship with Mama and Papa B that would have continued still today. I would have maybe wanted to change the visitations eight years later when I was on top of my game... but still having them be like a special grandparent to my child and children to come. During the time of invetro with Kirah I could of used their help with my other kids and would have continued to use their help instead of hiring a nanny after Kirah was born. If I had felt safety with them and confident they would not threaten to take my children away and be there to mentor with me, believe in me, I would have most certainly kept their relationship in my life all the way up to now... it would be one big happy family they are involved in, accepting all of us into their home instead of only Kai because of adoption.
After I explain all this, Kirah got a huge dreamy look on her face and said, "That would be way cool..."
I left her room to get mopping floors and thought of the few people I am offending by sharing my thoughts, visions, dreams... Laurie, thank you so much for bringing it to my attention as to what I really mean by LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.
So the bottom line of your message is that if you can give birth to a child you deserve to be a mother, if you can't give birth, oh well, you haven't earned it. The desire to be a parent is so strong in us as humans. Your plan does not allow for anyone who can't bear children to ever be an actual parent. You are asking deserving couples to make incredible, unfulfilling sacrifices so that a birth mother never has to make a single sacrifice. It's a total win/lose situation. The birth mother walks away with everything and the childless couple, in the end, get nothing but a relationship with a stranger's child that they see when the birth mother allows it. Do you know what kind of pain you are asking people to go through? I know you have to believe that things could have been different for you and Kai, but I doubt you'll find a single adoptive family that will agree that your plan would be as fulfilling as all of the moments of joy that real parenthood brings.
ReplyDeleteWhy is it ok for the birth mother to have to live with loss, but not "childless couples"? what you are saying Laurie is that it's not ok for a married couple to not have children but it's ok to rip a child from a teen mother's arms because who cares about her suffering!
ReplyDeleteJust because you can get pregnant does not mean you deserve to be a mother, but if you WANT to be a mother there should definitely be help and support offered as much as there are so many people waiting to take your baby away from you!
There are some things that won't and can't be answered in this life...why does heavenly father allow teenagers to get pregnant when there are so many mothers out there who want children and can't have them? I don't know, but I am sure that I was not a "vessel" for one of these "childless couples" to become a parent. I am positive that it was not Heavenly Father's plan that I get pregnant for someone else who wanted a baby!