Saturday, October 30, 2010

Excited to Feeling Complete

I"m reading "Lost & Found...The Adoption Experience" by Betty Lifton. I know, I can not seem to get over the subject. lol. Anyways, I just got reading "not knowing your geneaology, adoptive parents cannot understand the significance of the adoptees skills nor envisage his potentials... Adoptees must get to know their biological parents AND extended family"

This gets me thinking in the shower... "wow! I love my Aunts and Uncle, cousins, my own biological mother, Grandmother and pa, and most certainly that Great Grandmother Cheshire. I then drift into appreciation for each and every one of them... My aunt Kathy who has the same love for travel as I; My drop dead gorgeous aunt Jerry, I love her humor, I love her double aunt status that provided a son that gives me a peek of how I could have looked if my step dad was my biological father. For you see my auntie Jerry had married my step dad's brother and had my cousin, my cuz cuz; My aunt Linda, who taught me how sensitive and sweet someone can be past the tough exterior; My mother, what courage and confidence! Being a teen mom that chose against adoption and raised my sister and I; My aunt Susan, its okay for us to be oblivious to our husband's companies and business dealings; My aunt Gay, the quieter one, very much like my sister, I love her humor, I love how warm I feel whenever I am around her; My aunt Jan, my twin at some angles, showed me how resilient and strong us women can be, us Quigleys are survivors and leaders!; My Uncle Mick, a perfect example of how my sons are to treat us women, Quigley or otherwise; My other twin, aunt Bonnie. The youngest of the bunch, the one who I resonate most with. Not only did she have my twin cousin, she has lived many examples which has brought me such divine wisdom to how I should handle situations in my life and to act out of love rather than judgment; My many cousins who are all living similar parts to my life; My grandmother, another twin to my sister...soft, gentle and always listening for a good story; My grandpa, helps me understand the dysfunctional cycle that is inherited to break and heal from by awareness; last but not least, one of the women that continued it all... Great Grandma Cheshire, what an amazing strong woman she was who has orphan/abandonment stories in her life that help me understand more versions of "adoption/foster/orphan".

I just had to blog and acknowledge how I am so blessed and grateful to have history to half of me. My only desire is to now gain the other half. To get to know my biological heritage even further by meeting my biological paternal grandmother that lost her son, my father, to adoption, would be complete. I can not wait to add to my family, the new uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents of old. I am very excited to get to know, ME.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Another "Law of Attraction"

I have just found an album that I have not been able to find to replace since vinyl, just because they went out of print when vinyl records went to cassette tape.

Lions & Ghosts were a band ahead of their time in 1986 and were on the verge to becoming something huge along with Camper Van Beethoven, the Replacements and R.E.M. Unlike aforementioned bands, Lions & Ghosts took the advice of the mainstream airwave DJ's instead of college based DJ's (who thought the band was tailored made for campus stations). With their second album release they changed their sounds from "too understated and moody for mass acceptance" to "more of a straightforward, roots-rock approach". It didn't sell and that was the end of Lions & Ghosts. I never forgot about Lions & Ghosts.

In 1986 I had moved to California to live with my father...

who is an adoptee, married my mother because they got pregnant with me when they were 17, divorced when I was 4 because he had a temper that grew to extreme rages, wanted her to baby him like she was his mother but wanted to have control over her as if she were his possession. He constantly had friends over... being the guy with the pad to hang out have keggers and get high on drugs... My mother being a great doting mother to me and my sister opted to get out of the unhealthy relationship. After the divorce, my mother found a great man to take good care of her and her girls. My daddy became daddy Randy, then just Randy. Being an adoptee it was too much rejection having his only known blood relatives be separated from him and then legally reject him by getting adopted to my step dad who took over the shoes that he was incapable to fill... "DAD".

So anyways, back to 1986 when my sister and I moved to California to live with Randy. I had just relinquished my first born son up for adoption at the age of 16...

back then, "if you loved your baby you did the most unselfish thing and gave him a better life with two parents that had good jobs to be able to give this baby a better life than a teenager could ever give them"... i loved my baby, so out of lack of resources of knowing that ultimately all this baby needed was my love, lack of confidence that all the other stuff would fall into place... I chose to place my baby up for adoption with my mother supporting me with the same lack of resources to let her know that all this baby needed was her love and lacked her own confidence... being a teen mother herself who chose to keep her baby, married the guy, divorced... thought she could give her first born grandson a better life than she thought she was able to give her girls...

There is a method to how the universe works... when you look back at your blood heritage, you can definitely see a pattern... here is one of mine... my mother got pregnant at a young age became a teen mother. She married my father who is an adoptee... Because of the side effects of adoption, she had to get out of the marriage and without knowing the side effects of adoption, the cycle was repeated and she lost her first born grandson up for adoption and he became a repeated cycle of Randy, my father.

Luckily, the universe interrupted the repeated path of my father, Randy who has had an ongoing problem with drugs... now a days his drugs are legally prescribed... whatever... anyways, unlike my father, my son was blessed with being reunited with his original mother... ME. By being able to identify with who he is and know he is loveable because I can't help but love him as the son of mine he truly is, my son healed and changed his path to a healthy path.

Anyways, back to my whole point of my story that totally goes along with things coming full circle starting with my "aha"... through finding Lions & Ghosts on the internet after all these years and hearing their songs for the first time since we used to listen to them via record (ya record, that is what we listened to on Randy's biggest furniture item - his record player, with the hugest speakers ever made). It got me thinking... "ya know, we always want what we can't have".

I found this to be true when I moved to Texas and was in the mood for cinnamon bears (a gummy candy not to be mistaken as a roll, as was the case in Texas)... I looked and looked for a bag of the delicious candy, realizing for the first time that I had such a like for the item. I came to the realization that you cannot find a cinnamon bear anywhere in the state of Texas... Unable to have choice that I eat this candy or not, I became quite obsessed/addicted whichever way you see it. Every time I came home to Utah for a visit I would bring an empty suitcase to fill with 10 pd bags of cinnamon bears to take home to Texas. Cinnamon bears became all that I ate when I lived in Texas. As soon as I move back home to Utah 2 years later, the addiction/obsession has subsided... I can drive to the local grocery store anytime, anywhere in Utah and purchase a bag of cinnamon bears. I seriously rarely eat them now.

So... I just found Lions & Ghosts the album that I have craved to listen to for 24 years... as good as it was to hear them and I am glad I have them on my ipod, I rarely listen to them and realize they were not as hard to live without as I was thinking, they were just unobtainable to me like cinnamon bears.

The thing it got me focused on was my book... I have plenty of publishers asking me to publish with them for such and such money that I could pay them to publish my book. They basically will publish anyone that would pay them. I have been passing out my story to those that ask to hear it. I just got back from an adoption conference in New York City where there were many people affected by adoption that have wrote their story. Everyone has a story, so what is so different about mine... it is unobtainable at the moment which is putting more desire energy on it...I am handing it out for free on my dime to mail it all over the USA... My focus is on bringing awareness, not making money.

I have made a new friend that gave me the greatest message... "It's all about love. If we say it in love, if we are motivated by love, we stay on the right track."

Conclusion to my thoughts... Look forward to seeing my book published available on the shelves at bookstores, libraries and internet soon. Without a doubt in my mind, I know a publisher will find out about my book and offer to publish without me having to pay them.