Monday, December 26, 2011

Goodbye 2011

Well, the horrid season of December is over!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus, but along with the month of celebrating Jesus and his virgin mother, Mary, sacrificing her son for the world to better understand the law of repent AND forgiveness... I am in mourning for my son who I lost to adoption. His birthday is December 23rd. I had him at my bedside until the 25th, Christmas Day 1986 saying goodbye; leaving to try to forget and pretend it never happened.

Well, every December since, I haven't been able to forget and pretend it never happened. I have continued to hole up in the safety of my home for the month of December; only seeing my most favorite people.

When I was reunited with my first born son I had lost to adoption, I thought, "Oh, I finally have him back! I will never miss a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc. ever again!"

The sad reality, I have yet to spend a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc.

The first year, we were invited for his birthday and sent home on Christmas Eve... the a-rents wanted him all to themselves, like they traditionally have him. I have never seen him on his birthday since; We have celebrated Christmas one day late (with young children) for him; and we have had the blessing to have 1 visit late afternoon on a Christmas day a few years back... This year he said he dropped in at 6 in the evening on his way to his wife's family party down south that started at 6:30 but we were at the movies. I know, most mothers of loss have it so much worse... I should be so happy I am graced with his visits; he lives minutes away; his a-rents moved to my state to make it easier on him to see us. I should be grateful for their sacrifice but I feel it's like dangling meat to a dog making him sit and behave for a lick.

This has been an exceptionally hard December for me. For once in my life, I opened my heart to the story of Jesus and his dear virgin mother Mary, and allowed me to sit with the feelings and not ignore the feelings that are always triggered when hearing about their story. I am relating in so many ways... I have finally accepted it is what it is, we are who we are, I believe what I believe, and no one can tell me otherwise unless they have walked my shoes... The Salt Lake Tribune is about to publish an article on me and my family and about the loss of adoption and what it has done to us... how divine the article is to come out this Christmas season, the 25th anniversary of my loss... I am owning my truth and speaking out... I am upsetting a lot of people... especially my mother... her new fear... I am going to be excommunicated from the Mormon church!!!!!

Well, you know what, I have a better relationship with Jesus to know that I will not be damned if the church kicks me out for bringing awareness, speaking out, teaching others how to love unconditionally, support unwed mothers in need to keep their children and fight to bring father's rights along with women rights to full attention, accepting others, loving everyone as a whole, not judging who is better than who, as in who would be a better mother and father for the child... THE mother and father ARE the mother and father for the child and we as a whole, need to love one another and mentor with any person in need, especially a person with child.

If people realized the apple does not fall far from the tree... if you are looking at this apple and find fault, you need to look at the generation before them and if you don't like it, move further back another generation... keep moving back and see the pattern. Bottom line, we aren't ending a cycle, with adopting infants, it is just creating more problems of conditional love and independent thinking, dissecting families as if born to another. AND honestly, I don't care to be sealed on the church records to all of my made up genealogy chart that has messed up a role call that was most likely made up in Adam and Eve time to remember everyone and to not leave anyone behind. The way Mormons have taken this adoption to a whole new level does not interest me.

Lets learn from our ancestors and honor them by preserving our families and loving one another unconditionally, with acceptance and forgiveness in our hearts, no coveting what others have and reaching out offering our love, service and acceptance to all that come into our space, without fear or expectations, just love... after all, ITS ALL YOU NEED! I love John Lennon!!!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

My Connection to Jesus

I haven't wrote for a long time and feel a need.

My son Dallen struck up a conversation about his older brother Kai, (a full blooded brother lost to adoption)... He says, "Looks like Kai's curse to himself is playing out."

I say, "What do you mean?"

He replies, "Kai had said 'I wish God would quit blessing me so much, I have been slacking on my religious duties'."

"Oh wow! Dallen, you see wisdom."

... Let me fill you all in on what has transpired and share how I have connected so many things this last week.

This holiday season, we are broker than broke. As a mother, friend, relation to anyone who loves gifting to all, I have been blessed with aha's and wisdom as an outcome of our despair.

In the shower, I can't help but to connect the dots to the order of events that has transpired...

Out of my desperateness to gift to all, writing love letters to family and friends, I think I am about finished when I realize I have left two people out... Kai, my oldest son whom I lost to adoption, and his new wife Ami... I write to my son, explaining my failure to acknowledge him and to forget about the two of them, continuing on to say ...

... Yep, I do try that hard to shut you out of my space but then I will get this feeling like something is missing and the memory of you floods in with the familiar ache.

I'm sorry I am incapable of being what you want me to be. I'm all or none. Maybe one day you may understand the power of a mother's love that starts in the womb. Until then, I have to distance myself.

Enjoy your holiday season.

Love your mother, yep, your mother

... and then signed it Keri

Well, let me tell you what I have just heard through the grapevine... Kai and his new wife were on a cruise just barely... they were off on an excursion and didn't make it back to the ship and missed their ride off of the island, of Mexico. Wow, I couldn't help but to connect the dots of my letter to what has just happened... me forgetting to send my love to those two and the explanation of distancing myself... I can't help but to see the similarity of me forgetting about them as the cruise ship is forgetting about them simultaneously... Dallen and I just sat and connected the dots of how we were holding Kai in our hearts and prayers that he would join this family a hundred percent and we're sick of the ache when Kai consistently chooses not to be... so basically after our wishes and prayers, we had recently cut the chords and surrendered for it to be whatever it is meant to be... and look how his world has turned upside down with our lack of love (the most powerful energy of all) that we were sending constantly.

I continued my thoughts getting ready in the shower, optimistic of how this neglected relationship we have with our son/brother is going to turn out... As I am connecting the dots to that, I am reminiscing about all my new found knowledge studying the people of the Bible. This interest of me studying the Bible came about out of my own new found knowledge of my own immediate ancestry...

When my grandparents died, my mother gave me all their journals and photos that they had... I cherished this, and dove right in; reading my grandparents hand written journals and typed memories that take you on a journey of their lives that you can totally relate to. It brought me such compassion for my ancestors not only better understanding them, but better understanding my own self... understanding why I am walking the shoes I am walking... leaving me excited to not only heal me but to heal my ancestors and my posterity by me learning from not only my experiences but theirs.

This understanding of my own ancestry, the pattern of cycles repeating themselves for better understanding to find a better way of doing things and bringing a compassion into my space by being able to relate to them by knowing the madness or dysfunction of their situation and ancestors before them, seriously got me excited to learn more history as a whole and magically, books about Jesus kept coming into my space in all sorts of ways. I dove right in and started studying and learning about Jesus and his ancestors. I have connected so many dots that resonate with me on the theory that everything cycles through full circle to gain full knowledge... To know up, you need to know down.

Being a mother of loss, I connected hugely to many stories and scenarios from the Bible mostly to the stories surrounding other mothers of loss such as Jochebed (Moses' mother, who out of desperation from the Pharaoh's command... because of his fear of the Hebrew slaves {a lesser class, more poverty types} overpowering the Egyptian empire {a more affluential society and group of people} and outnumbering them, ordered all males under two be killed... she made a basket and sent Moses on his way in the Nile to spare his life which ultimately was an act that delivered their people out of bondage); Mother Mary ( a young virgin mother, who I am sure was questioned of her virgin miraculous conception and judged); and all of those other young mother's (just to name one; Hagar, Sarah's maiden) who were ordered by an infertile boss (Sarah, Abraham's wife) or shall I just say an older more affluential woman who had a husband to take care of her... to sleep with her (Sarah) husband to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and importance, being allowed to own your (Hagar) child with her (Sarah) husband regarding you as a petty servant (Hagar) who was in service to her (Sarah) until your service is no longer needed... and as with Sarah, when she was blessed with a child of her own (at 89 or 90) and no longer needed Hagar or her child to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and survival, kicked Hagar out of the concubine with her son to fend for themselves... remember no welfare or jobs for women back then, most woman had no other choice than to serve as a prostitute desperate to be owned by any man to survive...

Well... let me tell you, I am a mother of loss who has always connected with mother Mary, the 15 year old virgin mother of Jesus, a mother from royalty... being that I myself was one month shy of turning 16 when I lost my virginity and become pregnant the very first time (as was the case in many biblical stories with those young maidens) and I came from an affluential family myself... but instead of keeping my baby and watching my son be sacrificed as a man like Mother Mary, I sacrificed my son at birth. My first born son's birthday is December 23rd, two days before Christmas.

I have taken my loss; my feelings of sorrow, grief, anger just to name a few... and I have taken the interest to get to know Mother Mary, her mother Anna, and Jesus with extreme interest after finding the connection of my own ancestors; my great grandmother, whose father had died, on my mother's side was left in an orphanage at 1 with her siblings for 13 years until her mother was able to come get them again after finding a husband that would have her and having a grandmother who lost a son to adoption who is my father... My interest in Anna, Mary and Jesus as well as their ancestors were personal when I could connect that not only have I traveled a very similar road as them, my relationship with my second born son (first raised) is very similar to the relationship of Mother Mary and Jesus. My discovery has opened my eyes to so much, I am shocking people with my new belief that Jesus did not die on the cross.

For you see people, we were not ready for that interpretation. Remember, back in those days, the mentality was totally an eye for an eye... "Oops sorry I bumped into you" ... "Oh here, let me shove you back and we will be good"... In order to save mankind, this mentality needed to stop because after all, the main message, lesson, we were meant to learn while down on earth is the importance of family and to gain full knowledge to become creators our selves. So Jesus had to come set an example and be crucified and teach God's word of being the God of mercy. The old translation of Jesus being resurrected from the dead is what those people of the ignorant masses of those times needed to believe... after finding out how evil men of ancient times were and how wrong men have always treated women, even the "good" men, like Abraham, who out of his own fear that the more powerful male would harm him to competing for his beautiful wife Sarah so he lied and say, "Here have my sister for your concubine", twice... These ignorant men that did not like the respect Jesus gave woman and even in today's dictionary, magdalen means a reformed prostitute, when in all actuality, the disciples were jealous and did not understand the respect Jesus gave Mary of Magdala and did not like that she got most of His attention because she understood His Word... They needed to first understand that there is life after death so we better make good choices and try to be as good as we can be.

Now a days, well, never with me... I never understood that eye for an eye mentality. So when I learned that one of the translations is that Jesus did not die and the Atonement is about walking the walk of forgiveness, everything is making so much more sense and along with that wisdom rolling I am connecting the madness of cycles completing full circle; to gain full knowledge to becoming creators ourselves. I can see the pattern of how ancestral behavior is balancing our returning with full knowledge from knowing the down, in and out of it.

My new found knowledge totally validates this is the times to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND 'ADOPT' THE MOTHER. Sarah of biblical days should have "adopted" Hagar and loved her child as a grandmother loves a child, loving one another 'adopting' the mother.

I am so grateful for history and my understanding of it. We are people of full knowledge, we are the creators of this life we have created for ourselves, believe it or not. When I see life in this perspective I yearn to love and serve others. I see mothers in need, a need for ALL to learn from the past.

BUT ... mostly right now, I see the power of love and what manifests out of fear and desire and see how I for one desire a better future and am now a true believer of what the meaning of the Atonement to save our souls means with this new perspective and can for once, appreciate the story of Mother Mary and Jesus and how much it now means to me.

Now how do I connect all this with my present circumstance, you ask...

Well, knowing Jesus and all those other powerful, beautiful mothers of old, bringing them and their stories into my space, I am comforted with the knowledge to have faith, we always get what we desire or fear, so get fear out of my space, let my desires be known, then surrendering to God's will, be patient, serve and love others, it will soon come around.

With that said, I look forward to Kai becoming a 100% our family.