Wednesday, September 8, 2010

My Story

So let me get you up to speed where I am at in my life.

I have been reunited with my first born son for 5 years. We went through the whole cycle of reunite; honeymoon, reality, rejection and cant live without you. February 2009 made it 3 going on 4 years reunited. February 2009, he left to go on an LDS mission. It has been 18 months since I have seen my son. I have written him faithfully and have sent numerous packages which only half, if I am lucky, make it.

It has given me a total perspection of an open adoption. You may write them frequently, send packages, talk to them twice a year on the phone, but go a very long time without seeing him, hugging him, kissing him, having real conversations with him, most of all living life with him.

I seriously dont think I will ever get over placing my baby up for adoption.

People are constantly telling me, "Just be grateful you have him back in your life! You are so blessed! What a great story!"

Is it though? Such a great story that I designed this perfect plot I call my life...

I am blessed in so many ways and I realize that to really know something, you have to really live the opposite of it to be grateful for it.

With that said... I am extremely grateful for the quality time I spend with my other two children.

I turned down the opportunity God gave me to spend quality time with my first born son because of lack of confidence that I could not give this baby what he; nice clothes, a nice place to live, a happy functioning family, lots of toys, music lessons, basically... important opportunities in life.

If I would have known that all this baby needed was my love and the rest would fall into place, there would be such a different "story".