Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I Surrender

I am working on book number two... "Letters To My Missionary"... I am seeing what that son of mine is accusing me of... "You always talk about adoption"... Well you know what??? Adoption IS my life... Adoption is a big part of who I am... Adoption has affected me greatly.

Critiquing my comments in letters to him, looking for mean darts or "woest me" flavor... You know what, I am pretty upbeat and loving with every comment... There isn't many questions you can ask me that adoption hasn't affected... Not only did I marry the guy that got me pregnant the first time I had sex and lost a baby to adoption... I had fertility problems, having to do invetro to get my other two... We have reunited with our first born son when he was 19, Dallen 9 and Kirah 6... Not to mention my biological father is adopted and my step father adopted me.

It makes me question, does Kai hate hearing how much like us he is???... Does he hate hearing, "I married the guy"???... Does he hate that I inform teenagers, "It only takes once"???... Or does he hate me say, "I loved you so much, I wanted you to have more freedom than I had"???

If you ask me? His strong hate for ME being so "obsessed with adoption and him" kind of tells me, HE has a hate for ADOPTION and hates hearing it being talked about... period. He doesn't want to hear anything about me because it's a reminder of who I am and what he didn't have. Just as much as it pains me of what we didn't have, nor will we ever. ... The difference is... I can talk about it and he can't.

I read a lot. I just finished a book that Danielle Steele wrote about her son Nick Traina who was bi-polar and committed suicide when he was 19. ... WOW!!! My kids are so bipolar it's not even funny. I cannot imagine how hard it was for Danielle, in a time when bipolar wasn't talked about or acknowledged. Hearing her words... reading how she managed and mothered her son when not even the "professionals" understood, confirmed to me that I am a good mother... I deal with my children perfectly...

Except for how I dealt with that first one... Danielle, knew she needed help caring for her son and found Julie. Julie was one of the many counselors that Danielle had sought out for help. Julie was the first person that recognized Nick's illness and need. Nick became Julie's full time patient to the extent that Julie moved Nick into her home. Danielle says, "It only worked because of Julie's enormous capacity for loving him, her generosity of spirit, and her constant fairness about respecting me as Nick's mother. She never tried to take my place, usurp my role, play games with me or him. She upheld me as his mother from first day to last, and we developed a profound love and respect for each other, which now transcends him. It really was tag-team mothering, just as Nick said, 'it took two women to mother him.'"... Wow, tag-team mothering, that would have been nice, I couldn't of said it better as to how it should have been.

New book I am reading, "I'm His Mother But He's Not My Son", by Barbara Gonyo... WOW!!! The quotes I could quote from that book!!! Through her words I am able to validate my true feelings and understand my feelings.

My favorite quote so far!!! "Black people didn't relinquish their children very often in the 50's. They raised them somehow in their families. Slavery may have taught them that not losing a family member is much more important than society's standards." Barbara Gonyo is my new hero!!! Bringing awareness... saying it how it is... not caring what others think or may judge at all costs... your son.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I have been accused of having an Obsession. It got me thinking... what is an obsession??? the dictionary describes it as "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an idea or feeling".

Pondering more on the subject of obsession and observing others wondering if they have an obsession, something they always talk about... I have come to the conclusion... we all have an obsession with something we are focusing on . Some people obsess on their pets, their girlfriends/boyfriends, fiance's, spouses, kids, work, hobby, family, illness... the list goes on.

When you have been affected by something, say for example cancer, it turns into your obsession... You start researching about it, you learn more about it, you get involved helping bring awareness to others about it. Through helping others it brings joy and helps heal you.

We are so lucky to have people in our life to be able to bounce our "obsessive" thoughts on to. We have other things we like to talk about, but when we have an upset, it's nice to know that we have people that we can share our upset with. By sharing our upset, it helps us get through the hard times and have a better understanding.

My "obsession" is not so different from any other really. Everyone I talk to has something they like to talk about MOST of the time. I am a good listener and enjoy being with that person even if they need to talk about their upset/"obsession".

When couples first start dating, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".

Then when couples start having babies, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying, but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".

"Obsessions" aren't always surrounded by bliss. In fact most the time, they are surrounded by sorrow.

I listen to all my loved one's upsets, "obsessions", of their job, family, whatever it is. I listen because I love them and can understand their upset, and be there to help them through it.

I started thinking of ALL the "obsessive" things I talk about... I have talked about my pets, my close friends, husband but most of all, my children. My children bring the most joy and along with it, the most sorrow... I talk about the people involved in my life, with the people involved in my life... you could say, they are my obsession.

As much as I obsess about the most important people in my life; Steve, Dallen, Kirah, Justin, Ashley, Sidnee, Zara, Chance and Kai... people get the most annoyed, triggered about my obsession with Kai.

To me, that just shows how much joy yet how much sorrow that relationship brings to me. I talk a lot about all those other loved ones in my space, but it seems that my upset with Kai is an upset that triggers and affects many... the upset of loss. It is uncomfortable acknowledging upset, it would be great if we could just go on as if life is perfect and happy all the time. BUT I am too real for that.

I am so thankful for the people in my life that are there for me unconditionally, lending a listening ear always, loving me unconditionally not judging me; Tiffani & the Hoodoo Voodoo sistas, Tracey, Monte, Amy Reiser, Ann Marie & Ashley, Renata, Debbi, Jenni, Debbie W & Joanne, Jean, S.K., Stephanie B., The Paynes, Bev, Shel, Teresa, Kelly, Robbin, Mariluz, Allison, Heather & Jess, Chance, Dallen, Kirah, Kdawn, Pati, Zara, Crystal & Doug, MSRG & all those on fb affected by adoption, Hanne, Peter Dodds, Joe Soll... just to name a few off the top of my head.

I am also so thankful for the people who bring upset to me, bringing further awareness and lessons in my space; Kay, Mama & Papa B, Steve, Kai, The Abbott Sisters, and Jackie... just to name a few.

But honestly, how dare anyone judge me... how dare anyone judge others... Be careful of what you judge, you will soon be walking those shoes to have further awareness brought in your space, and you might just get an "obsession".

My "obsession" is family and I will continue to obsess, fight, bring awareness to keep families together... LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.

Shame on those for judging who deserves to be a mother. God is in a lot more control than we all give him credit for.