Monday, December 26, 2011

Goodbye 2011

Well, the horrid season of December is over!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus, but along with the month of celebrating Jesus and his virgin mother, Mary, sacrificing her son for the world to better understand the law of repent AND forgiveness... I am in mourning for my son who I lost to adoption. His birthday is December 23rd. I had him at my bedside until the 25th, Christmas Day 1986 saying goodbye; leaving to try to forget and pretend it never happened.

Well, every December since, I haven't been able to forget and pretend it never happened. I have continued to hole up in the safety of my home for the month of December; only seeing my most favorite people.

When I was reunited with my first born son I had lost to adoption, I thought, "Oh, I finally have him back! I will never miss a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc. ever again!"

The sad reality, I have yet to spend a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc.

The first year, we were invited for his birthday and sent home on Christmas Eve... the a-rents wanted him all to themselves, like they traditionally have him. I have never seen him on his birthday since; We have celebrated Christmas one day late (with young children) for him; and we have had the blessing to have 1 visit late afternoon on a Christmas day a few years back... This year he said he dropped in at 6 in the evening on his way to his wife's family party down south that started at 6:30 but we were at the movies. I know, most mothers of loss have it so much worse... I should be so happy I am graced with his visits; he lives minutes away; his a-rents moved to my state to make it easier on him to see us. I should be grateful for their sacrifice but I feel it's like dangling meat to a dog making him sit and behave for a lick.

This has been an exceptionally hard December for me. For once in my life, I opened my heart to the story of Jesus and his dear virgin mother Mary, and allowed me to sit with the feelings and not ignore the feelings that are always triggered when hearing about their story. I am relating in so many ways... I have finally accepted it is what it is, we are who we are, I believe what I believe, and no one can tell me otherwise unless they have walked my shoes... The Salt Lake Tribune is about to publish an article on me and my family and about the loss of adoption and what it has done to us... how divine the article is to come out this Christmas season, the 25th anniversary of my loss... I am owning my truth and speaking out... I am upsetting a lot of people... especially my mother... her new fear... I am going to be excommunicated from the Mormon church!!!!!

Well, you know what, I have a better relationship with Jesus to know that I will not be damned if the church kicks me out for bringing awareness, speaking out, teaching others how to love unconditionally, support unwed mothers in need to keep their children and fight to bring father's rights along with women rights to full attention, accepting others, loving everyone as a whole, not judging who is better than who, as in who would be a better mother and father for the child... THE mother and father ARE the mother and father for the child and we as a whole, need to love one another and mentor with any person in need, especially a person with child.

If people realized the apple does not fall far from the tree... if you are looking at this apple and find fault, you need to look at the generation before them and if you don't like it, move further back another generation... keep moving back and see the pattern. Bottom line, we aren't ending a cycle, with adopting infants, it is just creating more problems of conditional love and independent thinking, dissecting families as if born to another. AND honestly, I don't care to be sealed on the church records to all of my made up genealogy chart that has messed up a role call that was most likely made up in Adam and Eve time to remember everyone and to not leave anyone behind. The way Mormons have taken this adoption to a whole new level does not interest me.

Lets learn from our ancestors and honor them by preserving our families and loving one another unconditionally, with acceptance and forgiveness in our hearts, no coveting what others have and reaching out offering our love, service and acceptance to all that come into our space, without fear or expectations, just love... after all, ITS ALL YOU NEED! I love John Lennon!!!!

Thursday, December 8, 2011

My Connection to Jesus

I haven't wrote for a long time and feel a need.

My son Dallen struck up a conversation about his older brother Kai, (a full blooded brother lost to adoption)... He says, "Looks like Kai's curse to himself is playing out."

I say, "What do you mean?"

He replies, "Kai had said 'I wish God would quit blessing me so much, I have been slacking on my religious duties'."

"Oh wow! Dallen, you see wisdom."

... Let me fill you all in on what has transpired and share how I have connected so many things this last week.

This holiday season, we are broker than broke. As a mother, friend, relation to anyone who loves gifting to all, I have been blessed with aha's and wisdom as an outcome of our despair.

In the shower, I can't help but to connect the dots to the order of events that has transpired...

Out of my desperateness to gift to all, writing love letters to family and friends, I think I am about finished when I realize I have left two people out... Kai, my oldest son whom I lost to adoption, and his new wife Ami... I write to my son, explaining my failure to acknowledge him and to forget about the two of them, continuing on to say ...

... Yep, I do try that hard to shut you out of my space but then I will get this feeling like something is missing and the memory of you floods in with the familiar ache.

I'm sorry I am incapable of being what you want me to be. I'm all or none. Maybe one day you may understand the power of a mother's love that starts in the womb. Until then, I have to distance myself.

Enjoy your holiday season.

Love your mother, yep, your mother

... and then signed it Keri

Well, let me tell you what I have just heard through the grapevine... Kai and his new wife were on a cruise just barely... they were off on an excursion and didn't make it back to the ship and missed their ride off of the island, of Mexico. Wow, I couldn't help but to connect the dots of my letter to what has just happened... me forgetting to send my love to those two and the explanation of distancing myself... I can't help but to see the similarity of me forgetting about them as the cruise ship is forgetting about them simultaneously... Dallen and I just sat and connected the dots of how we were holding Kai in our hearts and prayers that he would join this family a hundred percent and we're sick of the ache when Kai consistently chooses not to be... so basically after our wishes and prayers, we had recently cut the chords and surrendered for it to be whatever it is meant to be... and look how his world has turned upside down with our lack of love (the most powerful energy of all) that we were sending constantly.

I continued my thoughts getting ready in the shower, optimistic of how this neglected relationship we have with our son/brother is going to turn out... As I am connecting the dots to that, I am reminiscing about all my new found knowledge studying the people of the Bible. This interest of me studying the Bible came about out of my own new found knowledge of my own immediate ancestry...

When my grandparents died, my mother gave me all their journals and photos that they had... I cherished this, and dove right in; reading my grandparents hand written journals and typed memories that take you on a journey of their lives that you can totally relate to. It brought me such compassion for my ancestors not only better understanding them, but better understanding my own self... understanding why I am walking the shoes I am walking... leaving me excited to not only heal me but to heal my ancestors and my posterity by me learning from not only my experiences but theirs.

This understanding of my own ancestry, the pattern of cycles repeating themselves for better understanding to find a better way of doing things and bringing a compassion into my space by being able to relate to them by knowing the madness or dysfunction of their situation and ancestors before them, seriously got me excited to learn more history as a whole and magically, books about Jesus kept coming into my space in all sorts of ways. I dove right in and started studying and learning about Jesus and his ancestors. I have connected so many dots that resonate with me on the theory that everything cycles through full circle to gain full knowledge... To know up, you need to know down.

Being a mother of loss, I connected hugely to many stories and scenarios from the Bible mostly to the stories surrounding other mothers of loss such as Jochebed (Moses' mother, who out of desperation from the Pharaoh's command... because of his fear of the Hebrew slaves {a lesser class, more poverty types} overpowering the Egyptian empire {a more affluential society and group of people} and outnumbering them, ordered all males under two be killed... she made a basket and sent Moses on his way in the Nile to spare his life which ultimately was an act that delivered their people out of bondage); Mother Mary ( a young virgin mother, who I am sure was questioned of her virgin miraculous conception and judged); and all of those other young mother's (just to name one; Hagar, Sarah's maiden) who were ordered by an infertile boss (Sarah, Abraham's wife) or shall I just say an older more affluential woman who had a husband to take care of her... to sleep with her (Sarah) husband to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and importance, being allowed to own your (Hagar) child with her (Sarah) husband regarding you as a petty servant (Hagar) who was in service to her (Sarah) until your service is no longer needed... and as with Sarah, when she was blessed with a child of her own (at 89 or 90) and no longer needed Hagar or her child to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and survival, kicked Hagar out of the concubine with her son to fend for themselves... remember no welfare or jobs for women back then, most woman had no other choice than to serve as a prostitute desperate to be owned by any man to survive...

Well... let me tell you, I am a mother of loss who has always connected with mother Mary, the 15 year old virgin mother of Jesus, a mother from royalty... being that I myself was one month shy of turning 16 when I lost my virginity and become pregnant the very first time (as was the case in many biblical stories with those young maidens) and I came from an affluential family myself... but instead of keeping my baby and watching my son be sacrificed as a man like Mother Mary, I sacrificed my son at birth. My first born son's birthday is December 23rd, two days before Christmas.

I have taken my loss; my feelings of sorrow, grief, anger just to name a few... and I have taken the interest to get to know Mother Mary, her mother Anna, and Jesus with extreme interest after finding the connection of my own ancestors; my great grandmother, whose father had died, on my mother's side was left in an orphanage at 1 with her siblings for 13 years until her mother was able to come get them again after finding a husband that would have her and having a grandmother who lost a son to adoption who is my father... My interest in Anna, Mary and Jesus as well as their ancestors were personal when I could connect that not only have I traveled a very similar road as them, my relationship with my second born son (first raised) is very similar to the relationship of Mother Mary and Jesus. My discovery has opened my eyes to so much, I am shocking people with my new belief that Jesus did not die on the cross.

For you see people, we were not ready for that interpretation. Remember, back in those days, the mentality was totally an eye for an eye... "Oops sorry I bumped into you" ... "Oh here, let me shove you back and we will be good"... In order to save mankind, this mentality needed to stop because after all, the main message, lesson, we were meant to learn while down on earth is the importance of family and to gain full knowledge to become creators our selves. So Jesus had to come set an example and be crucified and teach God's word of being the God of mercy. The old translation of Jesus being resurrected from the dead is what those people of the ignorant masses of those times needed to believe... after finding out how evil men of ancient times were and how wrong men have always treated women, even the "good" men, like Abraham, who out of his own fear that the more powerful male would harm him to competing for his beautiful wife Sarah so he lied and say, "Here have my sister for your concubine", twice... These ignorant men that did not like the respect Jesus gave woman and even in today's dictionary, magdalen means a reformed prostitute, when in all actuality, the disciples were jealous and did not understand the respect Jesus gave Mary of Magdala and did not like that she got most of His attention because she understood His Word... They needed to first understand that there is life after death so we better make good choices and try to be as good as we can be.

Now a days, well, never with me... I never understood that eye for an eye mentality. So when I learned that one of the translations is that Jesus did not die and the Atonement is about walking the walk of forgiveness, everything is making so much more sense and along with that wisdom rolling I am connecting the madness of cycles completing full circle; to gain full knowledge to becoming creators ourselves. I can see the pattern of how ancestral behavior is balancing our returning with full knowledge from knowing the down, in and out of it.

My new found knowledge totally validates this is the times to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND 'ADOPT' THE MOTHER. Sarah of biblical days should have "adopted" Hagar and loved her child as a grandmother loves a child, loving one another 'adopting' the mother.

I am so grateful for history and my understanding of it. We are people of full knowledge, we are the creators of this life we have created for ourselves, believe it or not. When I see life in this perspective I yearn to love and serve others. I see mothers in need, a need for ALL to learn from the past.

BUT ... mostly right now, I see the power of love and what manifests out of fear and desire and see how I for one desire a better future and am now a true believer of what the meaning of the Atonement to save our souls means with this new perspective and can for once, appreciate the story of Mother Mary and Jesus and how much it now means to me.

Now how do I connect all this with my present circumstance, you ask...

Well, knowing Jesus and all those other powerful, beautiful mothers of old, bringing them and their stories into my space, I am comforted with the knowledge to have faith, we always get what we desire or fear, so get fear out of my space, let my desires be known, then surrendering to God's will, be patient, serve and love others, it will soon come around.

With that said, I look forward to Kai becoming a 100% our family.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Aspects and Perspectives

I was getting ready this morning w/iPod on shuffle like I love to do… The song “Short People” by Paul Newman comes on and my husband Steve starts chuckling and says “I remember this song! ... I think it was on Captain Kangaroo sung by a short person! ... Funny!!! I always knew I would be tall.” He says all confidently.

I get excited being able to share and explain my newfound knowledge to him… “Well, what a great creator you are! You created you being the tallest in your family.” Thinking inside, of course he would want to be the biggest, tallest loudest human in his family. His perspective from 0-5 years of age is being developed just as everyone else’s at that age and from Steve’s perspective he needed to create someone who would be noticed, seen and heard.

I proceeded to explain to Steve what I have just learned from Gary & Elizabeth… some very educated intuitive good friends of mine, whom you can find at The Cosmic Spiral on 9th and 9th… When a newborn is born they have full use of their whole brain… the brain has full knowledge/some may say that there is no veil… but they are in this physical body that is completely helpless; they can’t walk, talk, or even feed themselves let alone clean themselves… The brain takes the first five years of this body’s life creating aspects and perspectives to actually create what and who WE are!

For example… when I had my first born son, (whom I lost to adoption), I kept him in my hospital room every second for the two days I had him. My mother was the one to give him his first bath; I had passed out from too much blood loss but by the next day I was conscious and requested him to be by my side constantly until the day came that I couldn’t.

Knowing this information about the brain and realizing this helpless infant is creating which 23 chromosomes from the father’s DNA it is going to develop and which of the 23 chromosomes from the mother’s DNA is it going to develop, ultimately creating who they will be by using this ingenious brain developing its aspects and perspectives creating us to be just who we need to be... makes you really analyze the events from the birth of a child, what events happen in that child’s first five years and how they all have contributed to who he (along with all of us) became.

For the first 72 hours of my son’s life the first face he saw was mine and my mother’s; my mother giving him his first bath. My son was able to experience his every helpless need being met by me and my mother. I also had some aunts from my mother’s side come for a visit. Even my daddy Randy had made the trip from California to hold his first grandson. These people were the few selected, along with my sister, to say hello just to send love and say goodbye.

My point being… My helpless baby boy was gathering his perspectives and aspects of this loving scene that was as reverent as a funeral. Being December 23-25, I could not ignore the similarity to the Virgin Mary giving birth to her baby Jesus with a sacrifice in mind for the world… My numb, blank, calm, in shock, walls up, guarded feelings assisted me to act in dignity to do what I was told was best… sacrifice my first born son to strangers… I now have witnessed firsthand how those brief 72 hours has created a son who looks so much like me with strong dark features like my daddy Randy along with strong features from my mother’s side of the family.

Imagine being my son for a moment… 72 hours later, he is put in a nursery, taken away from that beautiful woman with blonde hair and blue/green eyes; that woman that was always smiling with strong love into his eyes, meeting all his needs, making his first moments on this earth an easier transition … you know, his mother, me.

He opens his eyes; she is gone… he cries because his needs need to be met… some stranger comes and meets his needs; but where is that lady that was so familiar and comfortable for me, the lady with the familiar voice and smell? … So many unfamiliarity’s… all of a sudden at once… until finally this new lady is looking all lovingly into his eyes, but he is still looking for that first lady with the blonde hair and blue/green eyes where he felt so much peace and love reverently, never crying (even down to not being circumcised, lol… there was no pain he experienced, while in my care).

This new lady is feeling rejection from the baby who wants that first lady. This
baby with this full knowledge and function of its brain, inside of this helpless physical body who can’t walk, talk, or even feed itself let alone clean itself; struggles to get to that first lady… have you ever taken a bottle away from a hungry baby and have seen the raging fit?

I have witnessed this firsthand how the rejection from this beautiful newborn, that any mother could love, feels… Remember, I have a bonus daughter and I have experienced such rejection when she would come over to visit; dropped off by her mother as a newborn. When my bonus daughter got to missing that beautiful first lady, her mommy, I always respected her cries and rage; calling her mother immediately letting her know that her baby misses her and we need to get her back to her asap.

I understood and respected the raging screaming fit, subconsciously knowing that is what my baby had to have done upon my relinquishment and replacement. I have since then witnessed many adoptive mothers be challenged with the rejection of their newly adopted baby; taking it personal that the baby rejects them but accepts the new father clinging to him while keeping an eye out for that first lady that is not coming back.

From then on, my son’s perspective and aspects of how to get his needs met and create who he is by what he has been exposed to and figuring out on his own with that full knowledge slowing shutting down/veil thickening; gaining more and more physical control of his body as well as accumulating emotional upset that is inevitably manifesting, creating exactly who he is in this first five years of his life.

My son, created himself; just as we all have created our own selves; being the creators that we are… just like Steve creating the tall silverback that he is.

After I get done having this wonderful deep insightful conversation with my husband following me absorbing every word ~ getting it… I notice the song that has been playing, “Touched by the Hand of God” by New Order… for me, that was the icing on the cake; confirming to me that I get it.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Riding the Currents

I love how the universe orchestrates this thing we call "Life".

It never ceases to amaze me how divine everything is; how perfectly placed people are presented in our space.

My son Dallen is back at his old school... I have to share the divine day we had. But let me first update you a little on my son's school situation.

Dallen had gone to Butler Jr. last year and had too good of a time for the Vice Principal, (Mr. Graham). Graham denied his return as a guest for another year, we are not in the boundary. Dallen was registered for the boundary school, Albion; went the first day, and hated it. He was once again, the new kid.

I had scheduled an appointment with our dear holistic angel doctor, Crystal, to have a "counseling" session with Dallen to help him shift energy to handle being the new kid at school. Dallen had been arguing all day that he did not want to go, insisting to see his dear ole Vice Principal, Mr. Graham; to convince Graham to allow him back to Butler.

I deny his request and tell him, "Mr. Graham had said he has had enough, that is not an option."

I continued on with my day, picking up my daughter from a friend's house.

Heading home to pick up Dallen for Mrs. Crystal, the belt in my 67 Mustang broke two minutes from my house, causing me to lose steering. I call a tow truck and inform Dallen, "You powerful man, I guess we will not be seeing Mrs. Crystal and we will plan on seeing Mr. Graham bright and early."... I have mastered going with the flow of the Universe and obviously that is the direction the current is taking us.

We wake up bright and early and head to Mr. Graham's office asking for a second chance. With much hesitation and Dallen's reassurance that he has learned his lesson, Graham approved.

The rest of the day fell perfectly in place. We go over to Albion to get checked out of their school and they say hang on, "Let us dig through the money box and find your check for registration and just return it to you." They open the cash box and my check is sitting on the very top of the stack.

We head over to Butler and the first person we see is Sione, a childhood friend of Dallens since they were four. Sione says, "Dallen, you Back?" and sticks out his hand for a shake.

Dallen knocks the hand away and they hug.

We sit in the counseling center filling out his class desires and another pal, Santiago, walks in, "Dallen, what you doing here?"

I offer, "He missed ya!"

We continue to meet with the counselor to get his schedule, she pulls his name up and he already has a schedule put together from last year paperwork. "That is bizarre" she comments.

We head to the Main Office to pay dues and lo and behold, there is Derek; one of Dallen's competitive Basketball league pals. We had heard Albion was trying to get him and had been wondering if Derek would be at Butler. I Joyfully show Derek my excitement to see him here, "We were wondering if you were here! Yay, you and Dallen will be able to play ball together!"

We pay the dues and Mr. Graham walks by, calls Dallen and says to him, "Dallen, come here, I am about to let you do something and it is the only time that you can do it and you will not get arrested."

"Sounds fun!" I exclaim as we follow Mr. Graham. I get excited, not thinking about the fire drill they had already scheduled to happen, just at this moment.

Graham walks Dallen over to the fire alarm and orders Dallen to pull.

Dallen hesitantly, with a smile on his face, sheepishly asks, "Really?"

It was like an announcement that Dallen Kale' Stone is back misbehaving and BEHAVING.

The alarm was so ear piercing, I could not hold still for the pic.

We head out the front doors and one of the first students to head out of the school behind us is his cousin, Saidee, questioning in her sing song voice, "Dali, are you back?"

I love the true balance of life. A thing to be mastered. When mastered, this thing called life gets easier and easier.

I love all the earth angels here to guide us and hold our hand while learning our lessons throughout our days. Thank you for holding Dallen's his first day back. How nice and "coincidental" it was to have a dear friend of his at every turn on top of everything running so smoothly. That is how you know you are making the right choices in life.

May we all glide smooth through the currents and learn our lessons quick.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Let us all be REAL

Folks, I saw two movies in one day!

It was my husband's birthday on Saturday. We honored my husband's birthday on the 26th instead of the 25th this year. For you see, through numerology, we have discovered that the passport place was correct that his parents had remembered his day of birth wrong.

My husband has always loved going to movies. I on the other hand have a little problem called ADHD, so I don't like to frequent movies as much as he. Since it was his birthday, I let him dictate the day. We slowly woke and went to the theater to see "The Rise of The Planet of the Apes" I'm not even sure if that is the title, but I am a huge Planet of the Apes fan! I remember the black and white then color TV episodes. Loved it!

WOW WOW WOW!!! I cannot rant and rave enough about this movie!!! Of course that is how it all started!!! How did we not all already know!!! Right!

And the preview for it ...TIME... OMG!!! Cannot wait!!!

Movies are getting SOOOO good and so true to reality. It seems all the great shows have the theme of adoption in them. Afterall, 70% of the population is affected by it.

I don't want to spoil it, but you all must go see!!!

Ceasar has identity issues and because of his intelligence he is able to rise above it (accept it), find his identity (heritage) and help his kind (species of origin) rise above for a better life together as one.

After this amazing movie that I truly want to see again IN the movie theater; we came home and I cleaned the house until around six, husband thought another movie sounded good. This time we went to see "Idiot Brother"... Loved it! Steve was getting frustrated with the brother that kept being too honest for his own good. A trait I have that gets me into trouble many times as well. Our problem? We are so REAL, you ask us a question and we tell you our truth; we believe in everyone; we see people at their highest potential of who they can be; we trust everyone... we are incapable of lying.

Movie was great, the sisters get so annoyed with their "Idiot" brother for innocently speaking truth and being incapable of cover ups, making them own their own truth and facing their reality, owning it, accepting it... until at the end, (when he had to go back to the slammer for saying too much and being REAL with his probation officer that he had mistaken as a sincere person that cares) his sisters who at first were so annoyed with him for innocently making them face their truth; bailed him out because they realized his honest integris self is a great way to be.

TO BE REAL with oneself, owning your truth, facing the reality, owning it, accepting it and loving it... IS TO BE LOVING YOU.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

"Antwone Fisher"

I just finished watching the story of Antwone Fisher. It is 3:00 a.m. and I can't stop pondering.

It was a great story, I'm sure most of you have all seen it. It's a true story about a man who is in the navy that has quite the temper and is referred to the psychiatrist. During sessions with the psych his story unfolds. Antwone was born in some prison two months after his father was murdered. He then goes into foster care with an abusive preacher family that is quite dysfunctional to say the least and when he got big enough to stand up to the foster preacher mama and not take her beatings anymore, she kicked him out on the street and then he joined the Navy. The psych encourages him to find his real family.

Now here is where my confusion begins. He finds his father's family first and they receive him well. One of the new found family members takes him to met his mother and upon finding out who he is, she leaves the room.

Antwone follows her back into the back living room and is able to tell her how great of a person he is and questions her why she never came for him. The woman was speechless and appeared a bit cold hearted, not giving him eye contact, holding all emotions in, not saying a word.

Antwone kisses her on the cheek and leaves...

Wow! Really?! I am confused at her lack of response. Me being a mother that has lost a child to adoption and has had a moment of rediscovery reuniting with my son when he was 19... I was expecting a little more remorse or excitement or something. But as I remember back upon my initial (very supervised) first meeting with my son... I too was extremely guarded. I too probable lacked showing emotion, but inside I was aching trying to figure what it all meant.

I felt very misplaced. I felt very inadequate. I felt very undeserving. I guess I could say, now looking back on that moment... I felt like a scared 16 year old girl again that was meeting her maker and nervous to see what exactly will my punishment be.

I hate living with the loss that I have suffered. Not knowing was almost easier. I could block it out and pretend it never happened. I had learned to live with the hole in my heart. Just like any other handicap, you learn to get along around it.

The other thing that I cannot stop pondering about. Wow! What a great family Antwone's father had. Now how come they were not notified? How come they were not the first on the list to go to instead of a foster home?

Well, this brings a memory back to me. When I was that 16 year old girl that didn't know what to do. The "professionals" and society kept referring to the daddy as a "sperm donor". Being as naive as I was, I seriously thought strangers were better than the "sperm donor" to help me raise this child.

I went to an adoption conference last October in Utah. Being in Utah, it was a conference promoting adoption, very unlike the healing adoption conference I had just got back from attending in New York with Joe Soll. They had a b!r+# mothers panel of fresh mothers that had just chose to lose their children to adoption, and they kept snickering referring to the daddys as "sperm donor's".

As I sat with my husband of 24 years, you know, that "sperm donor" of my first child... their snickering hit me hard. I remembered having that same mentality. I realized, oh my gosh, that is one of their tactics. Discredit the father as the father he truly is. Yep, back in 1986, I feel for it too.

This movie is a great reminder that there are two parents that make a baby. Laws need to change. It shouldn't be such a battle for a father to get rights to his child. Children need to stay with family. If the father's family is a better family than that is exactly where the child needs to be.

I was so insecure about myself and did not feel I had the love and support that it would take to raise my son. Being 16, I didn't know what it would take to raise my son. Now being older and wiser and knowing what it takes to raise a son... oh my heck!!! All that he needed was my love. And that is exactly why I gave him up. The professionals kept saying, "If you love your baby, you will give him away." WHAT A CROCK!

I loved him so much, I did not trust me or my family to raise him. I loved him so much, I did not trust the daddy or his family to raise him. Heck, I loved him so much, if the "professionals" told me to place him in Australia to live in the outback, I would have! Well, that is exactly what I did, I followed the "professionals" advice, and placed him in Wyoming with strangers!

Well he loves these strangers and they love him. I'm glad they love him and I'm glad he loves them. I would hate to find out that he had an abusive home as many adoptees do.

But I will forever regret, not having one person let me in on a little secret... All that he needed was MY love.

I still love him so much. Our relationship has forever been altered. It will never be what it could have been. I don't think he will ever love me as much as my other two children. It is a sad reality, just as Antwone said in the end, "I'm glad I found her, but if I never see her again, I'm fine." ... Ya something like that... I feel the same from my son, he is glad that he found me, but if he never sees me again, he will be fine. And the horrible thing about the trauma of being separated? I, his own mother, will refuse and reject him, to save me from the horrible truth... he will be just fine without me. (There is so much more to the story, but some other time, lets just say, I will not be called a whore once more by that little bugger!!!)

Don't get me wrong, this isn't all about me... I know... but let's be honest, its hard having such motherly feelings for someone that has feelings for you no more than some ole' lady down the street who may bake him a pie once a year.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

History of Adoption as I know it

Folks, the more you know the history of something, the more you KNOW about something.

What a naive fool I was at 16.

Here is the history of adoption as I now know it. Thank you Rickie Soilinger, for being a history major and feeling a need for woman's rights in reproduction to be known.

In the beginning of time, there was not the word teenager. Back in the day, when a woman started her period, she would find a husband and start her family... Do you all remember Little House on the Prairie?

When we all started to live longer, the marrying age wasn't 12 years old anymore, and they came up with the term "teenager".

Back in these days, slavery was being abolished. It was no longer legal for Americans to buy slaves... BUT if a slave was already owned, and that slave got pregnant and had a baby, the newborn baby was instantly owned by the slave owner. With this mentality, the slave owners started controlling the females reproductively for their gain, more free laborers. Slave owners were raping their women slaves and basically enslaving their own offspring.

Now remember, back then, contraceptives... rubbers, the pill, anything to control fertility... was illegal.

Women had no rights to choose if they wanted to have a child. Back then, you only had sex to have a baby... even being married, if you were not trying to have a baby, it was illegal to have sex. ...

Fornication is what they called it... But how can you prove there has been fornication if you are married. But if you had sex and were not married, YOU WERE FORNICATING!!! And get this, men were not charged with fornication because it was the woman's fault for tempting them and them losing control of their actions.
Can you already see a need for abortion because of lack of contraceptives. Lots of slaves made a GOOD mother decision to abort her unborn child to save their child the life of a slave, to be owned by someone.

Young woman that found themselves pregnant, most likely not from flaunting her stuff... but for just being a victim of a man that lost control of his body... ran away to cities where they could melt into the crowd. They could start over, whether by having an abortion or trying to find ways to provide for her child. Which back then, was near to impossible. Woman did not get paid good wages, but in a city, a woman could control her fertility. ... Ways of contraceptives and access for abortions was easier and more accessible in a city. Quite different than living in a small community where everyone knows you by name and there is only one community doctor... It is said that young white women in the city were far away from their own mothers and from family supervision which lead them to ruin because no one was training them for their natural roles or protecting their virtue.

For you see, back in this day, woman were judged on their chastity. Only the prudest of woman were respected. Back in these days, an unchaste woman was classified the same level/class as slaves... second citizens as were their "bastard" children.

"The mentality in the late 19th century - having lost their chastity, they had lost their womenly identity, and did not have the capacity to be adequate mothers. Only by keeping and learning to mother her infant would this kind of girl redeem her womanhood and her value as a human being. Woman who abandoned their baby (generally because of extreme poverty and desperation or unwed mothers whose babies died were unredeemed failures." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.

Abortions were rising, especially for white American women, "puritan blood"... society was freaking out, fearing abortions were thinning out the population of the white people.

"Abortion risked the racial future of the United States." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.

Another thing society feared... babies being raised in poverty, continuing the cycle of poverty. Especially when we have all these affluent women that are having fertility problems or are too prude to fornicate even to try for a baby... okay, now I am just being sarcastic... but you catch my drift. ... JUDGEMENT was going on.

"If a poor mother fulfilled her parental duties properly, in ways approved by self-appointed charity and reform authorities she could be a mother to her child. If she did not met standards-- if she was not married or could not afford to stay home all day -- she had no biological or custody right to keep her child." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.

So, in other words... all you mothers out there that are not stay at home mothers, you would be considered unfit mothers and have your babies taken away and given to the rich women that had a husband provide them with the luxury to stay home.

Beginning in the 1920's, more groups started advocating legal contraception.

Folks, it wasn't until 1944 that the male condom was perfected... AND it was not until 1972 that the Supreme Court ruled that unmarried people have the right to contraception.

You figure, before then, such things were seized and destroyed.

"The Comstock Law did enable postal agents to seize huge quantities of contraception-related items. Historian Janet Brodie provides this extraordinary list of Comstock's yield in 1880, giving us some idea of the industriousness of his agents but also a glimpse of what was surely only a tiny fraction of the total amount of materials in circulation that year:"Seized and Destroyed

165 different obscene books
64,094 rubber articles for immoral use
4,185 boxes of pills and powders for abortion
3,421 letters and packages ready for mailing
70,280 opened letters
6,000 names of dealers in obscene materials
901,125 names and addresses of people to whom "smut dealers" sent goods.

Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.

We can all thank Margaret Sanger and Mary Ware Dennett, the pioneers of legalizing contraception and legalizing and disseminating "family planning" in the United States!!!

Okay, so time out... what is the big uproar with contraception and controlling our fertility, again???... I know, I had to keep being reminded, we live in such a different world of reality...

"Birth control threatened to undermine the ideology of feminine chastity and was a threat to family life... birth control could simply poison the wellspring of white woman's political agency (her maternal capacity)." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.

Folks, there is so much history and details that have got us to where we are today, but let's just jump to World War II shall we.

World War II started in 1939 and lasted until 1945.

Remember "A League of Her Own" with Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Madonna and Rosie... just to name a few??? Well, that is just how it was during World War II. The war took the majority of our men. Us women stepped up to the plate and entered the men's world of sports and factories... providing for our families AND taking care of our children just fine without the men around. Us women got a taste of equality!!!
Well the men came home and did not like us liberated women!... And I am sure, us women were not going to give up our liberation that easily.

What to do??? ... "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER" folks. ... Yep, June Cleaver reminded us what the "American Dream" really is.... Remember, we want to be a house wife with two kids and live in a crackerjack neighborhood.

Well, now we have the generation of "The Girls Sent Away", Ann Fessler has written about them... What are the neighbors going to think? Let's pretend it didn't happen and force our daughter to give her baby away so that we can save her class status and save the status of her bastard child that will get adopted by a higher class and they can pretend "AS IF BORN TO".

And there you have it, the starting of secrets and lies. We have come a long way. Awareness is the key! You can imagine my upset finding that I fell for societies judgment over the love for my baby. All a baby needs is the love of his/her mother.
Family preservation folks! In order to really KNOW family preservation, we have to KNOW life without family. Let's not let the generations of old fail to teach us.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Im reading another numerology book, trying to crack my code. I have just entered my first personal year, I am a five, with a five destiny, with a one for attainment.

How about that... now I have just got to figure out what exactly does that mean.

I start reading what my husband, Steve, supposedly is.

Ya see, about ten years ago, we went down to get passports and there was a problem... my husband has the wrong day down for his birthday... "Excuse me..."

The universe has Steve down as born on the 26th... Steve, I included, and his family has celebrated his birthday since the beginning of time on the 25th. The lady at the counter tells us that it states that Steve was born on the 26th at 1 something a.m. Steve suggests that maybe he was born at 1 something p.m. which would still make his birthday the 25th... because how could a mother forget when one own baby's real birthday is.

The lady behind the counter suggested we get Steve's father to come down and sign that Steve was born in the afternoon and not later that night in the a.m. on the next day.

Steve's dad came and signed that Steve was born in the afternoon and we were able to get him a passport.

So anyways, back to me figuring out what Steve is... Without a doubt, Steve is a 4 not a 3... We have come to the conclusion that Steve was indeed born later that night in the a.m., on the 26th.

I'm taking a moment to sit outside and digest my reading thus far...

Hmmm... lies lies lies... all around us...

The one thing I absolutely can not stand... LIES.

I instantly see my daddy's raging face, in my mind's eye, when a lie is being told, found out or questioned... Now there is one scary, mean face... a face I also pull when a lie is being told, found out or questioned... Wow! Me and my daddy hate liars more than anything in this world... I got thinking... It is most likely because we both have been lied to so terribly, all in the name of adoption... Him, from the beginning of his time, and mine at the age of 6 and again at the age of 16...

Numerology... meaning of life... cracking the code... life purpose...

Mine is Forgiveness, that's for sure... Awareness and change... A voice for the world to hear.

Folks, to learn ... someone had to wrong... someone had to be the person to experience being wronged ... to be the person to know not to wrong ... and to be the person to experience and know forgive...

I love living in a reality generation ... it is what it is ... nothing good comes out of secrets and lies... the truth always comes out, no matter how dormant your able to let it lie... the truth will always eventually come out.

I am sure there are others besides the victims of adoption that also hate liars furiously. When one has been deceived; by a spouse, significant other, family, loyal friend, etc... it is hard to recover... You know what??? I think it is harder to recover from being deceived by society and strangers in the name of adoption. I havent quite yet recovered from that...

I obviously haven't been able to forgive them... Why... What does Im sorry mean??? It will never happen again.


Thursday, July 7, 2011

Glad to be Mother to those that will have me

The boys are off to Scout Camp!!!

Steve, my husband, had told my son Dallen, "Instead of hiking in Moab with the Scouts, we will just really go to Vegas."

Well, Dallen took him serious and had packed to go to Vegas.

I asked to double check his bags to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Dallen adamantly declined saying, "I didn't forget anything, you gave me a list!"

Being the wise mother to my 14 year old, I figure... if he runs out of socks... he runs out of socks.

I drop my son off to a friend's house to be able to hang before he has to go to "Scout Camp"...

Before the packing incident, Dallen and Steve would say, "I'm so excited for 'Scout Camp'" they were having a little too much fun with it sarcastically...

When I pick up Dallen from his buddy's house, his buddy says, "Hey have a great time in Vegas." I think nothing of it because I am used to Steve's humor, "Instead of hanging in Moab with the Scouts, we will just head to Vegas." I just assumed Dallen was sharing the humor.

Without connecting the dots of Dallen's sly way to cover why his buddy said 'Hey have a great time in Vegas.'... Dallen says, "Ya, all my buddies call my house Vegas."

"Really? Why?"

"My mom has purple hair, my dad is crazy, my sister is extreme, I have a black brother and I am, well, look at me, I am ME... Our house is chill and fun... so they just call us Vegas."

"Hmmm"... folks, I did not connect these dots until just moments ago! LOL

This morning, I get the husband and son out of bed. I nag my husband to get packed and loaded while offering to make him breakfast or assist him in any way.

Dallen has it easy, he already packed last night before going to buddy's house.

I take the liberty to just take a small peek just to make sure he has enough socks. I open the bag... "Dallen, it looks like you packed for Vegas... unacceptable... and you have no socks... get this repacked."

I hand him his bag and he wouldn't let me assist him... 'He's got it!'

I finally get the boys out the door (late) and next thing I know, they are back again. I ask, "What did you guys forget?"

Steve says, "Dallen packed for Vegas!"

I called Steve a bit later to make sure they checked in and were on their way. Steve was not happy about going to Moab and couldn't believe I was making them go.

Of course my 14 year old is not going to have a good attitude about going... not to mention many of his buddies were saying they wished they could of gone.

My sweet innocent little 6'1" fourteen year old is on the cusp... he is a lot like my husband... they are really good at being good...BUT... they are really good at being BAD.

I text my husband, "I wish I could have gone in your shoes! I know I would make it a memorable experience for my son that would be a total brick that builds his foundation as a FINE YOUNG GODLY MAN!

That is the last I have heard from them.

Justin is back for a visit... love that 25 year old black boy of mine. His dear mother has shared her beautiful son with me for five years now... the same amount of time I have had my first born son in my life... Justin's mother passed this year. Justin was planning on coming for my first born son's wedding but instead of attending a wedding, Justin was attending a funeral... Isn't that ironic.

It has been very nice having Justin, as always. Justin is very protective of me and does not tolerate Dallen talking disrespectful to me. I seriously feel he is an angel that comes for visits to watch over me when I will be needing him most and he loves all of us so unconditionally.

Which gets me thinking of that other kid of mine that another mother shares with me, Sidnee Liah. It never fails... when our family needs extra love because of the intense energy our house can escalate to, I get the sweetest phone call, "Mama Keri, whatcha doing today?" God bless for Sidnee Liah!!! She calms my 12 year old daughter and can get her in a really happy good mood.

And that brings me to that FIRST one of mine... that FIRST one of mine is out of my space for right now. I feel he needs a break from me... He has taken for granted that he is an adoptee that has found his mother... and that is all I will say about that.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I Surrender

I am working on book number two... "Letters To My Missionary"... I am seeing what that son of mine is accusing me of... "You always talk about adoption"... Well you know what??? Adoption IS my life... Adoption is a big part of who I am... Adoption has affected me greatly.

Critiquing my comments in letters to him, looking for mean darts or "woest me" flavor... You know what, I am pretty upbeat and loving with every comment... There isn't many questions you can ask me that adoption hasn't affected... Not only did I marry the guy that got me pregnant the first time I had sex and lost a baby to adoption... I had fertility problems, having to do invetro to get my other two... We have reunited with our first born son when he was 19, Dallen 9 and Kirah 6... Not to mention my biological father is adopted and my step father adopted me.

It makes me question, does Kai hate hearing how much like us he is???... Does he hate hearing, "I married the guy"???... Does he hate that I inform teenagers, "It only takes once"???... Or does he hate me say, "I loved you so much, I wanted you to have more freedom than I had"???

If you ask me? His strong hate for ME being so "obsessed with adoption and him" kind of tells me, HE has a hate for ADOPTION and hates hearing it being talked about... period. He doesn't want to hear anything about me because it's a reminder of who I am and what he didn't have. Just as much as it pains me of what we didn't have, nor will we ever. ... The difference is... I can talk about it and he can't.

I read a lot. I just finished a book that Danielle Steele wrote about her son Nick Traina who was bi-polar and committed suicide when he was 19. ... WOW!!! My kids are so bipolar it's not even funny. I cannot imagine how hard it was for Danielle, in a time when bipolar wasn't talked about or acknowledged. Hearing her words... reading how she managed and mothered her son when not even the "professionals" understood, confirmed to me that I am a good mother... I deal with my children perfectly...

Except for how I dealt with that first one... Danielle, knew she needed help caring for her son and found Julie. Julie was one of the many counselors that Danielle had sought out for help. Julie was the first person that recognized Nick's illness and need. Nick became Julie's full time patient to the extent that Julie moved Nick into her home. Danielle says, "It only worked because of Julie's enormous capacity for loving him, her generosity of spirit, and her constant fairness about respecting me as Nick's mother. She never tried to take my place, usurp my role, play games with me or him. She upheld me as his mother from first day to last, and we developed a profound love and respect for each other, which now transcends him. It really was tag-team mothering, just as Nick said, 'it took two women to mother him.'"... Wow, tag-team mothering, that would have been nice, I couldn't of said it better as to how it should have been.

New book I am reading, "I'm His Mother But He's Not My Son", by Barbara Gonyo... WOW!!! The quotes I could quote from that book!!! Through her words I am able to validate my true feelings and understand my feelings.

My favorite quote so far!!! "Black people didn't relinquish their children very often in the 50's. They raised them somehow in their families. Slavery may have taught them that not losing a family member is much more important than society's standards." Barbara Gonyo is my new hero!!! Bringing awareness... saying it how it is... not caring what others think or may judge at all costs... your son.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011


I have been accused of having an Obsession. It got me thinking... what is an obsession??? the dictionary describes it as "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an idea or feeling".

Pondering more on the subject of obsession and observing others wondering if they have an obsession, something they always talk about... I have come to the conclusion... we all have an obsession with something we are focusing on . Some people obsess on their pets, their girlfriends/boyfriends, fiance's, spouses, kids, work, hobby, family, illness... the list goes on.

When you have been affected by something, say for example cancer, it turns into your obsession... You start researching about it, you learn more about it, you get involved helping bring awareness to others about it. Through helping others it brings joy and helps heal you.

We are so lucky to have people in our life to be able to bounce our "obsessive" thoughts on to. We have other things we like to talk about, but when we have an upset, it's nice to know that we have people that we can share our upset with. By sharing our upset, it helps us get through the hard times and have a better understanding.

My "obsession" is not so different from any other really. Everyone I talk to has something they like to talk about MOST of the time. I am a good listener and enjoy being with that person even if they need to talk about their upset/"obsession".

When couples first start dating, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".

Then when couples start having babies, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying, but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".

"Obsessions" aren't always surrounded by bliss. In fact most the time, they are surrounded by sorrow.

I listen to all my loved one's upsets, "obsessions", of their job, family, whatever it is. I listen because I love them and can understand their upset, and be there to help them through it.

I started thinking of ALL the "obsessive" things I talk about... I have talked about my pets, my close friends, husband but most of all, my children. My children bring the most joy and along with it, the most sorrow... I talk about the people involved in my life, with the people involved in my life... you could say, they are my obsession.

As much as I obsess about the most important people in my life; Steve, Dallen, Kirah, Justin, Ashley, Sidnee, Zara, Chance and Kai... people get the most annoyed, triggered about my obsession with Kai.

To me, that just shows how much joy yet how much sorrow that relationship brings to me. I talk a lot about all those other loved ones in my space, but it seems that my upset with Kai is an upset that triggers and affects many... the upset of loss. It is uncomfortable acknowledging upset, it would be great if we could just go on as if life is perfect and happy all the time. BUT I am too real for that.

I am so thankful for the people in my life that are there for me unconditionally, lending a listening ear always, loving me unconditionally not judging me; Tiffani & the Hoodoo Voodoo sistas, Tracey, Monte, Amy Reiser, Ann Marie & Ashley, Renata, Debbi, Jenni, Debbie W & Joanne, Jean, S.K., Stephanie B., The Paynes, Bev, Shel, Teresa, Kelly, Robbin, Mariluz, Allison, Heather & Jess, Chance, Dallen, Kirah, Kdawn, Pati, Zara, Crystal & Doug, MSRG & all those on fb affected by adoption, Hanne, Peter Dodds, Joe Soll... just to name a few off the top of my head.

I am also so thankful for the people who bring upset to me, bringing further awareness and lessons in my space; Kay, Mama & Papa B, Steve, Kai, The Abbott Sisters, and Jackie... just to name a few.

But honestly, how dare anyone judge me... how dare anyone judge others... Be careful of what you judge, you will soon be walking those shoes to have further awareness brought in your space, and you might just get an "obsession".

My "obsession" is family and I will continue to obsess, fight, bring awareness to keep families together... LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.

Shame on those for judging who deserves to be a mother. God is in a lot more control than we all give him credit for.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

White lies

Nothing good comes from little white lies. What is a little white lie? a form of a secret? a lie not considered a lie because it is just not the full truth?

I personally think white lies are just as hurtful. The full truth always comes out eventually and when it does, it makes the receiver of the white lie feel like a fool. Not only do you feel like a fool but you question, "why do they feel like they have to lie to me, or not be 100% truthful with me?"

I have just been the receiver of a white lie. I found out the full truth shortly thereafter. I felt like a fool, I felt less than who I am, I felt like... a dirty little secret.

What was the white lie?... I understand the reason to deliver the white lie...

I am in a relationship with my first born son that I lost to adoption. We have been reunited for 5 years now. I have had the prilvilege to serve him in a mother capacity lately by bringing him a packed lunch and enjoying his company for his lunch break from his work that is located minutes from my house.

The other day, I bring him his lunch after confirming that he would like a visit and some food. I get there and he nervously plays this guessing game, "guess who just came minutes before you came?"

"I have no idea"

"Who would be the most awkward persons to show up minutes before you show up?"

"awkward?... I have no idea"

"my parents!"


"they showed up and wanted to take me out to eat, I had to tell them that you are bringing me lunch!"

"you should have called me, I can leave."

"No, it was just barely, I knew you would already be on your way and you already prepared food. I just told them to come bring me food at my other job later."

He rushed through his meal, inhaling as fast as he could. Finishing up in record speed, excusing himself saying, "got to get back to work, now that I am on commission. Thanks for lunch! See you later, bye"

That was weird... but whatever... I will be able to get home sooner to help my other son with his homework.

I get home and my husband informs me that our friend just saw our oldest son at his work eating with his parents.

It all makes sense now... the rushing, the nervous energy, the energy of something not quite right... lying... I felt like such a dirty little secret. It felt no different than when my husband used to lie and cheat on me. They tell you what you want to hear, to save your feelings... you can tell they aren't totally "present" when they are with you... and when you find out the full truth, you feel like a fool, less than who you are, you feel like... a dirty little secret.

It saddens me that my son feels like he cannot be 100% honest with me. I understand he is worried about saving my feelings.

Honesty is always the best, the truth always comes out.

So, I am flipped into an insecurity... a famous feeling in the ring of adoption... does he really want or need me in his life? he has parents, that "I chose" for him... Am I just a filler for what he can't or doesn't get from his parents? How genuine is our relationship? I know I will never get back what I have lost. Relationships are just that, relationships. How much room does one have for relationships? My sister only has room for her immediate family for relationships. I tend to have many relationships with many friends and extended family as well as my solid immediate family.

The relations are different... my relations with my solid immediate family is just that - solid. My other relations have a different level of intensity and they come and go as needed. So my question here, as my first born son that I am legally nobody to is getting ready to expand his "solid" family by entering marriage, am I in the "solid" category or in the "come and go as needed" category?

Thursday, March 31, 2011


I tend to have my natural mother hat on most of the time... Today, I was brought to an abrupt acknowledgement... oh yeah, I am an adoptee... Today, I have my adoptee hat on... My father, my natural biological father rejects me. My parents were divorced when I was 4 or 5, my mom remarried shortly after. My step dad adopted me when I was 6. You can imagine the pain, the heartache for my father, an adoptee himself. Rushing into starting a family of his own so that he can feel a belonging he has never felt before... having your biggest joy in your life, your two girls being taken away from you... adopted... having to you yourself choose the "best" for them... to "save" them... to LOVE them. Guess what, I DO GET IT! Being an adoptee... acknowledging, I am an adoptee... I finally can acknowledge the pain of being an adoptee, having my father out of my life... having a great replacement to provide and take care of me as if I were his own... Its not the same... I wanted my father to fight for me... to heal for me... to be saved for me... me being adopted never dulled my pain that my father was being abandoned, out of his own insecurities of being an adoptee himself. My father is not fighting for me. I am thankful that I know first hand the insecurities of being an adoptee; feeling not good enough to be fought for, healed for, be saved for. These insecurities caused a repeated cycle and me personally having those insecurities; not good enough to fight for, heal for, be saved for... chose to relinquish my rights to my first born son, to save him... from who???... from me??? did I really believe I was that horrible of a person that I had to save my baby, my son, from me??? I am healing... I am acknowledging the pain of adoption from a natural mother's side as well as an adoptee's side... What was first, the chicken or the egg??? I have fought for my son, I am healing for my son... I am facing my father with my upset of him not fighting for me, not healing for me... I am upsetting him with my acknowledgement of the pains of adoption and the pains of be ing rejected, which is pushing him to reject me once again. Sure, I overreacted. I was deeply pained with the rejection I have been feeling. My biggest fear, almost came true... to lose my father, again. I am in a mother's group and we were talking about the pains of adoption as usual, when today, I was put on the carpet for saying, "I agree! adoptees do lack compassion and empathy. they tend to be very self absorbed." I am so glad to have people love me enough to criticize... Laura, who is an adoptee as well, repeated the cycle and is now a natural mother, says, "I beg your pardon Keri... not ALL adoptees lack compassion, empathy nor are we all self absorbed. Don't put a label on all of us. We have also been dealt a tough hand, just like our mothers have." I apologized, but the correction for me not to categorize and label, kept my mind thinking... Oh yeah, im an adoptee too... have i been a person that lacks compassion, empathy and am self absorbed??? Yes! my mother can definitely vouch for that... in fact, she has said those very words to me. The other thing that came up today in our daily chat...was the realization that all along, adoptees wish we had fought for them more and we are wanting them to fight for us more... that, along with the realization that i too am an adoptee, helped me with the connection of me wishing my father would fight for me more... and explains me fighting for my own son as much as I do. I have upset a lot of people with my acknowledgement and awareness. I apologize if I tend to categorize and label anything... I just call it how I see it and have experienced it. I then reflected on my reunion with my son, the stages of our relationship. The insecurities that flare and manifest... nowadays... there is less insecurities, more confidence is flaring and manifesting. I am realizing how my confidence and insecurity level is what dictates my relationship with my son... Now I just need to figure out how to apply it to my father.

Saturday, March 19, 2011


Who is the natural mother? Where is the natural mother? What does a natural mother look like?

Being in a society where there are so many adoptees, how could these questions not run through thousands of minds. Not only would they secretly run through the minds of the adoptees, but of the adoptive parents.

In the past, us natural mothers have stayed secret and hidden. We have gone on as if nothing happened.

I am a natural mother. I am your next door neighbor, your hair stylist, your wedding planner, your son's scout leader, your daughter's achievement day advisor, your young woman's advisor... I look like any other caring mother.

I have been in reunite with my son for five years now. I had my baby boy in 1986 and chose to place him for adoption. I loved my baby so much, I chose to give him to strangers to "save" him.

Save him from what? I tend to constantly be asking myself lately. From me? From a dysfunctional lifestyle that I possible could be entering, being a teen mother and all?

Adoption didn't save him... adoption didn't save me.

Looking back on my life and his life of being "saved" and trying to see where and how we were saved... all that I can see is sorrow and loss.

Looking back on pictures after placement, seeing who I am... I am struck with a huge realization... I am the same person. Not having my baby in those photos with me did not change who I was. Sure, being a teen, I most definitely would have needed extra love and support raising this beautiful baby God entrusted ME to have. Any new mother needs extra love and support raising their beautiful baby God entrusted THEM to have.

Let there not be judgment of who God entrusted to be the mother of His beautiful spirits He has sent down to earth through. May we all step up, love and support all mothers in need that God entrusted them to be. Let there be no judgment, only acceptance and acknowledgement of the opportunity to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND ADOPT THE MOTHER.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Today was THE day. I should have guessed it wouldn't be as to my expectations. Expectations always lead to disappointment.

Suddenly, I was having huge anxiety all morning, being short tempered with my kids and didn't want to go to the airport... a day I had been looking forward to for two years.

The child I had given birth to 24 years ago returned from his mission.

We had reunited 5 years ago from being separated, a choice I made... ya, I loved my baby so I agreed to give him to strangers, not realizing at the time just exactly what I was giving away.

The older I get, the wiser I get... it only brings me more realization of just exactly what I gave away. I am living with a consequence of a choice I made when I was 16. I was promised my life would go on for the better. I was promised his life would be so much better. How hurt I am to come to the realization that there was such judgment on me as a person, soon to be mother, that the best decision was to abandon my child and my love for him.

Looking back on pictures from me moving on with my better life... what was so better about it? Living with the void, pretending like nothing happened, acting like I am so happy and full of joy... when in all reality, the pain of separation has never left. I have just became an expert at not feeling.

During the two years, I wrote faithfully to my missionary. It was very therapeutic... I even wrote a book about relinquishment, adoption and reunion. For you see, him leaving triggered relinquishment all over again. I was reliving 1986, remembering... I had blocked a lot of memories from 1986 out.

I wrote the book, got all my mourning out, so I thought, and continued faithfully writing my missionary, claiming him loud and proud as MY son.

I was so confident for my love for him, unafraid to claim it. Confident that it would be received with open arms... How foolish am I?

We go to the airport, there is a huge crowd... its missionary come home day for many missionaries. The adoptive parents, his girlfriend and her family are already there.

I'm not in the mood to be friendly with them anymore. I've been respectful and friendly the 3 years prior to him leaving on his mission and quite frankly, I got sick of being dismissed, ignored and treated far from friendly from those adoptive parents. After all, I am the one that loved my baby so much I gave him to "you strangers"... quite the gift... After the fact, all that I seem to hear from every direction is "what kind of woman gives her baby away"... yep, that would be me.

As luck would have it, my son, that I have been extremely blessed with and loved him so much I did not give him to strangers, had to go to the restroom... he has been diagnosed with leaky gut syndrome... I escort him to the restroom, hear the screaming of a missionary appearing and upon returning, see it was the missionary whom we were waiting for.

I'm not a person who freely shows my emotions... a skill I have mastered. Our missionary notices us and saunters over in his Mexico fiesta outfit that some beloved local from Mexico made for him. We get our hugs hello and he continues to go back and forth from us to them. Poor guy, he really did juggle us well, and yes, it sucks that he even has to. I have to be grateful that... a. he wanted us there and b. he worked it like a circus entertainer trying to please everyone and make us all happy and feel loved.

The kicker... Carol Makita, from whatever news channel that she works for, was there reporting on the MTC and missionaries. We had noticed her early on and had wondered what celebrity was returning from a mission that would interest a news story... During our circus time with that professional juggling missionary of ours, Carol and her camera guy...assuming we were this missionary's family or something... we do kind of look like a set, (understatement)... came over asking us if she could ask us some questions.

I loved it, lets be honest, I loved that onlookers knew we belonged together.

Out of loyalty, love, professional juggling trying to unite as one, our missionary asks Carol and camera man to hang on while he summons the adoptive parents over. Instantly, Carol is realizing... oh these must all be the kids because here are the parents... after all, we do live in Utah... Just as instantly, I get scooted out of the circle.

Ouch. I get it, I do. They are his parents. They are the strangers I chose to give my baby that I loved so much to... Doesn't make it any less painful. I just thought this pain would eventually be lifted sometime in my lifetime.

We are starving, I know Kai is starving and we had planned on tagging along with everyone else to get a bite to eat and continue with him to be released as a missionary.

Steve, my husband... the man who loved his baby so much, he didn't fall for the "give him to strangers" bit, but didn't know how to stop it in a world that looks to fathers as "sperm donors"... informs me that we can leave now but we are invited to stop by their house at 5:00 to visit.

It was currently 3:00.

"Oh, okay, so we are not invited to follow him to eat and be released?" I did say, a little annoyed, hurt and reminded of exactly who I am not to this missionary.

The adoptive father, in ears reach, responds in a very scary mean voice, "we weren't invited! you just got uninvited!"

I still do not know what he means by this since they are the ones driving him to eat and get released, along with girlfriend and girlfriend's family.

My husband scolds me for being so childish, "giving him away was your choice and you just have to live with it and accept it and make the best of it! I didn't want to give him away!"

We left the baggage claim without our missionary.

I have felt this pain before... leaving the hospital empty handed the day after Christmas 1986 and a second time in 2005 on Christmas Eve, two days after we had reunited completing our family only to be devastated by being asked to leave so they could have him ALL to themselves on Christmas like always.

You know what? I am sick of feeling this pain. I am sick of living with my consequence/punishment for getting pregnant the first time I chose to have sex and I am so sick of being reminded how much I loved my baby I chose to give him to these strangers. What a crock!!! How I fell for that line, I will never know. When you love something, you DON'T give it away!!! Especially when it is your baby!!! That is called abandonment!!! What kind of woman does that???