I have been studying angels and how things work down here on this dimension, earth. I have to share with you my most fabulous recent discovery.
The teacher was sharing with us, "Spiritually, we are all just equal. Spiritually, I am no one's mother".
That got my attention, I am constantly confused with my own feelings on the subject "mother". What defines a mother? Being a "mother" that lost my first son to adoption, I am constantly struggling with my deep "mother" feelings that I have for my first son whom I have been reunited with for four years now. I thought when I said goodbye on Christmas Day in 1986, I would forget about the whole incident.
I was programmed through the adoption agency, "There is no bond between mother and child. A child bonds with the mother who cares for him. As long as his needs are getting met, it doesn't matter who is meeting them."
I said goodbye and never forgot about the whole incident.
I always carried a prayer in my heart to meet again, confused as to what I would be to him.
The teacher continues; "Physically, this body (pointing to herself) is my son's body's mother. This body of mine knows everything my son needs. Our body is like a computer. No other body could mother my son's body better than my body."
Folks, do you know how much I loved hearing this!!! That is my truth! My truth that I struggle to tone down. It is so unacceptable for me, the "birth" mother to acknowledge this strong motherly love for my first born son.
I recently read a post on FauxClaud's blog "Yeah I'll bother..."
So glad you did!!! I loved all of the comments that supported my true feelings of this motherly bond I have with my son that I only got to hold for 3 days. I must quote a post that was posted by anonymous, "i parented my surrendered child for 4 days in the hospital... is there a time limit when we are called parents? So a woman who delivers a stillborn infant, is she not a parent? Is a woman who buries her child who died at 2 days old... is she not a parent? I AM MY first born son's mother. I took very good care of him during my pregnancy, HOW DARE YOU DENY ME THE TITLE OF MOTHER!!! I took care of him in the hospital and made a decision when he was 4 days old that changed his whole life. I regret that decision. However, only a PARENT could have made that decision."
I recently have returned from a weekend getaway to Vegas. Just my husband and I, no kids.
I am just starting to break away from the younger kids beings they are 11 and 13. I have not ever spent time away from my younger two... another side effect from placing my first born up for adoption. While I was away missing my children, I realized... "I miss all three the exact same. I don't miss my younger two more because I have changed their diapers and wiped their noses. I pine for my younger two at the same level I ache for my oldest."
I have been accused of pining for my first born too much and overlooking my two beautiful children that I have at my fingertips.
Well folks, yes I have had my younger two at my fingertips... but as soon as they are out of arms reach, I pine for them just as deeply.
I soon started analyzing my relationship with my parents. My parents consists of my mom and step dad that has raised me since I was 5 and my daddy randy. When I have gone a while without seeing my step dad, whom I love and adore, it's like going a while without seeing a great friend... good to see them when you finally do, but no worries. When I have gone a while without seeing my mom and daddy randy, it is a physical withdrawal... I pine to see them.
"I just wanted to tell you thanks for reminding me that I need to go forward with the feeling that I have to contact the birthfather of my husband. Your post on finding your Grandmother reminded me that yes, I do have a right to meet and find this other family. Not being an adoptee but just being the mother of 4 children that has the blood of these people running through them and that I have an obligation to help my children identify with a part of them they don't even know. My husband contacted his birthfather several years ago but was hit and hurt with the reality that this man had no idea he even existed and therefore was rejected. At that point we gave up, what could we possibly do? Since then, I have found 2 sisters and possibly 1 brother but I don't know how or if I even should contact them (or if I have the right, once again the feeling of guilt from being thrown into the adoptive experence). But I feel they also have the right to know, they have a brother. It's not an easy situation but that is exactly why the whole adoption world needs to pay attention to the problems it causes. Sure we can brush it under the rug as we are told to do but why should we? We are told that we can ruin lives but look at the lives that are already ruined. There is a need to know deeper than can be explained and you can't know or be yourself until you find what you are made up from. So I just wanted to thank you because it has been about 5 years since "I brushed it under the rug." and it reminded me to get going and do something about it. It eats at me, like I said just being a mother, you know the bond that is not broken or separated even at birth. Hopefully I made some sense here but just thanks to you and I know you will change hearts and minds with the knowledge you have and your willingness to share your story."
ReplyDeleteThanks
Love, Amy