My son lost two older brothers to adoption. I have not even bothered to realize his loss to the full extent...
Thanksgiving 2005 we found our missing piece to our family puzzle, Kai. The realization of how many years we have missed out and been away from him, unbearable.
Thanksgiving 2010 our elation of our missing piece to our family puzzle, Kai, returning... shattered.
We have been reunited 5 years this holiday season.
The first holiday season of reunite was pure bliss, until Christmas Eve when we were asked to leave by the adoptive parents, so they could have their usual Christmas morning with just their family... this is when we started realizing the true loss of living this puzzle with this piece missing and worse yet... living this puzzle with this piece missing after we have found the missing piece.
The second holiday season, which by the way also includes the anniversary of his birth December 23rd and relinquishment December 25th... aka, the death of my baby... By the second holiday season, there was so much pain from the loss and hidden grief emerging from not only me and Kai, but my husband as well... he is not just a sperm donor that birth fathers are referred as, he is a 17 year old that had no power and lost two sons to adoption without any say... My dear children, Dallen and Kirah, were burdened with this grieving and loss that they themselves did not know how to process... The 2nd season... I kick Kai, my baby I have already rejected and abandoned in the name of adoption providing a better home for him that I can provide, out of my home. For you see, now my home is too good, dysfunctional...whichever way you want to call it... to provide a home for him. I would not accept his behavior and held strong to what behavior of integrity and respect I expect from him... Boy was this a rough season for the whole family.
The third season, we came to the realization that we could not live without each other. Kai asked the family if we could wait until December 26th to celebrate Christmas... we had found one another two Christmas' ago and have yet to spend any holiday with him, even his birthday... We had a very empty, lonely, dragging Christmas Eve, Morning and Day. The children agreed to not acknowledge Christmas Eve, Morning or Day until the following day, so that we all could experience it together... Celebrating a day late was horrible, it didn't feel right and we will never do that again.
The fourth season, Kai was preparing for a mission, had a girlfriend and trying to juggle all these families for the holidays; dividing his time to his girlfriend and her family, the adoptive parents and us. We didn't feel his presence much at all.
The fifth season Kai was on his mission and his absence for the month of December was unbearable for me... I was an absolute wreck. I was reliving the relinquishment, the loss, the grief...This is when I started realizing and remembering facts about 1986. I signed papers... papers relinquishing my rights, passing my opportunity to mother him, be responsible for him, know him, raise him, mentor with him, have more opportunities to serve and love him...to be nothing to him. Our family was able to talk on the phone to our missing piece Christmas morning.
We are coming upon our sixth season... without him... The season is started with the "good" news that he is planning on coming home and leaving to Idaho to go to college...
November 30th, 5 days after Thanksgiving, after hearing the plans for the future... Dallen has been on a short circuit having these screaming rages... I have been on a short circuit and have been having these emotional breakdown cry fests over every little thing... I have put two and two together and acknowledged not only am I affected by losing my son to adoption... my son, Dallen, is pretty affected and continues to be affected by losing his brother to adoption.
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