Numerology

Im reading another numerology book, trying to crack my code. I have just entered my first personal year, I am a five, with a five destiny, with a one for attainment.

How about that... now I have just got to figure out what exactly does that mean.

I start reading what my husband, Steve, supposedly is.

Ya see, about ten years ago, we went down to get passports and there was a problem... my husband has the wrong day down for his birthday... "Excuse me..."

The universe has Steve down as born on the 26th... Steve, I included, and his family has celebrated his birthday since the beginning of time on the 25th. The lady at the counter tells us that it states that Steve was born on the 26th at 1 something a.m. Steve suggests that maybe he was born at 1 something p.m. which would still make his birthday the 25th... because how could a mother forget when one own baby's real birthday is.

The lady behind the counter suggested we get Steve's father to come down and sign that Steve was born in the afternoon and not later that night in the a.m. on the next day.

Steve's dad came and signed that Steve was born in the afternoon and we were able to get him a passport.

So anyways, back to me figuring out what Steve is... Without a doubt, Steve is a 4 not a 3... We have come to the conclusion that Steve was indeed born later that night in the a.m., on the 26th.

I'm taking a moment to sit outside and digest my reading thus far...

Hmmm... lies lies lies... all around us...

The one thing I absolutely can not stand... LIES.

I instantly see my daddy's raging face, in my mind's eye, when a lie is being told, found out or questioned... Now there is one scary, mean face... a face I also pull when a lie is being told, found out or questioned... Wow! Me and my daddy hate liars more than anything in this world... I got thinking... It is most likely because we both have been lied to so terribly, all in the name of adoption... Him, from the beginning of his time, and mine at the age of 6 and again at the age of 16...

Numerology... meaning of life... cracking the code... life purpose...

Mine is Forgiveness, that's for sure... Awareness and change... A voice for the world to hear.

Folks, to learn ... someone had to wrong... someone had to be the person to experience being wronged ... to be the person to know not to wrong ... and to be the person to experience and know forgive...

I love living in a reality generation ... it is what it is ... nothing good comes out of secrets and lies... the truth always comes out, no matter how dormant your able to let it lie... the truth will always eventually come out.

I am sure there are others besides the victims of adoption that also hate liars furiously. When one has been deceived; by a spouse, significant other, family, loyal friend, etc... it is hard to recover... You know what??? I think it is harder to recover from being deceived by society and strangers in the name of adoption. I havent quite yet recovered from that...

I obviously haven't been able to forgive them... Why... What does Im sorry mean??? It will never happen again.

LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER

Glad to be Mother to those that will have me

The boys are off to Scout Camp!!!

Steve, my husband, had told my son Dallen, "Instead of hiking in Moab with the Scouts, we will just really go to Vegas."

Well, Dallen took him serious and had packed to go to Vegas.

I asked to double check his bags to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Dallen adamantly declined saying, "I didn't forget anything, you gave me a list!"

Being the wise mother to my 14 year old, I figure... if he runs out of socks... he runs out of socks.

I drop my son off to a friend's house to be able to hang before he has to go to "Scout Camp"...

Before the packing incident, Dallen and Steve would say, "I'm so excited for 'Scout Camp'" they were having a little too much fun with it sarcastically...

When I pick up Dallen from his buddy's house, his buddy says, "Hey have a great time in Vegas." I think nothing of it because I am used to Steve's humor, "Instead of hanging in Moab with the Scouts, we will just head to Vegas." I just assumed Dallen was sharing the humor.

Without connecting the dots of Dallen's sly way to cover why his buddy said 'Hey have a great time in Vegas.'... Dallen says, "Ya, all my buddies call my house Vegas."

"Really? Why?"

"My mom has purple hair, my dad is crazy, my sister is extreme, I have a black brother and I am, well, look at me, I am ME... Our house is chill and fun... so they just call us Vegas."

"Hmmm"... folks, I did not connect these dots until just moments ago! LOL

This morning, I get the husband and son out of bed. I nag my husband to get packed and loaded while offering to make him breakfast or assist him in any way.

Dallen has it easy, he already packed last night before going to buddy's house.

I take the liberty to just take a small peek just to make sure he has enough socks. I open the bag... "Dallen, it looks like you packed for Vegas... unacceptable... and you have no socks... get this repacked."

I hand him his bag and he wouldn't let me assist him... 'He's got it!'

I finally get the boys out the door (late) and next thing I know, they are back again. I ask, "What did you guys forget?"

Steve says, "Dallen packed for Vegas!"

I called Steve a bit later to make sure they checked in and were on their way. Steve was not happy about going to Moab and couldn't believe I was making them go.

Of course my 14 year old is not going to have a good attitude about going... not to mention many of his buddies were saying they wished they could of gone.

My sweet innocent little 6'1" fourteen year old is on the cusp... he is a lot like my husband... they are really good at being good...BUT... they are really good at being BAD.

I text my husband, "I wish I could have gone in your shoes! I know I would make it a memorable experience for my son that would be a total brick that builds his foundation as a FINE YOUNG GODLY MAN!

That is the last I have heard from them.

Justin is back for a visit... love that 25 year old black boy of mine. His dear mother has shared her beautiful son with me for five years now... the same amount of time I have had my first born son in my life... Justin's mother passed this year. Justin was planning on coming for my first born son's wedding but instead of attending a wedding, Justin was attending a funeral... Isn't that ironic.

It has been very nice having Justin, as always. Justin is very protective of me and does not tolerate Dallen talking disrespectful to me. I seriously feel he is an angel that comes for visits to watch over me when I will be needing him most and he loves all of us so unconditionally.



Which gets me thinking of that other kid of mine that another mother shares with me, Sidnee Liah. It never fails... when our family needs extra love because of the intense energy our house can escalate to, I get the sweetest phone call, "Mama Keri, whatcha doing today?" God bless for Sidnee Liah!!! She calms my 12 year old daughter and can get her in a really happy good mood.



And that brings me to that FIRST one of mine... that FIRST one of mine is out of my space for right now. I feel he needs a break from me... He has taken for granted that he is an adoptee that has found his mother... and that is all I will say about that.

I Surrender

I am working on book number two... "Letters To My Missionary"... I am seeing what that son of mine is accusing me of... "You always talk about adoption"... Well you know what??? Adoption IS my life... Adoption is a big part of who I am... Adoption has affected me greatly.

Critiquing my comments in letters to him, looking for mean darts or "woest me" flavor... You know what, I am pretty upbeat and loving with every comment... There isn't many questions you can ask me that adoption hasn't affected... Not only did I marry the guy that got me pregnant the first time I had sex and lost a baby to adoption... I had fertility problems, having to do invetro to get my other two... We have reunited with our first born son when he was 19, Dallen 9 and Kirah 6... Not to mention my biological father is adopted and my step father adopted me.

It makes me question, does Kai hate hearing how much like us he is???... Does he hate hearing, "I married the guy"???... Does he hate that I inform teenagers, "It only takes once"???... Or does he hate me say, "I loved you so much, I wanted you to have more freedom than I had"???

If you ask me? His strong hate for ME being so "obsessed with adoption and him" kind of tells me, HE has a hate for ADOPTION and hates hearing it being talked about... period. He doesn't want to hear anything about me because it's a reminder of who I am and what he didn't have. Just as much as it pains me of what we didn't have, nor will we ever. ... The difference is... I can talk about it and he can't.

I read a lot. I just finished a book that Danielle Steele wrote about her son Nick Traina who was bi-polar and committed suicide when he was 19. ... WOW!!! My kids are so bipolar it's not even funny. I cannot imagine how hard it was for Danielle, in a time when bipolar wasn't talked about or acknowledged. Hearing her words... reading how she managed and mothered her son when not even the "professionals" understood, confirmed to me that I am a good mother... I deal with my children perfectly...

Except for how I dealt with that first one... Danielle, knew she needed help caring for her son and found Julie. Julie was one of the many counselors that Danielle had sought out for help. Julie was the first person that recognized Nick's illness and need. Nick became Julie's full time patient to the extent that Julie moved Nick into her home. Danielle says, "It only worked because of Julie's enormous capacity for loving him, her generosity of spirit, and her constant fairness about respecting me as Nick's mother. She never tried to take my place, usurp my role, play games with me or him. She upheld me as his mother from first day to last, and we developed a profound love and respect for each other, which now transcends him. It really was tag-team mothering, just as Nick said, 'it took two women to mother him.'"... Wow, tag-team mothering, that would have been nice, I couldn't of said it better as to how it should have been.

New book I am reading, "I'm His Mother But He's Not My Son", by Barbara Gonyo... WOW!!! The quotes I could quote from that book!!! Through her words I am able to validate my true feelings and understand my feelings.

My favorite quote so far!!! "Black people didn't relinquish their children very often in the 50's. They raised them somehow in their families. Slavery may have taught them that not losing a family member is much more important than society's standards." Barbara Gonyo is my new hero!!! Bringing awareness... saying it how it is... not caring what others think or may judge at all costs... your son.

Obsession

I have been accused of having an Obsession. It got me thinking... what is an obsession??? the dictionary describes it as "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an idea or feeling".

Pondering more on the subject of obsession and observing others wondering if they have an obsession, something they always talk about... I have come to the conclusion... we all have an obsession with something we are focusing on . Some people obsess on their pets, their girlfriends/boyfriends, fiance's, spouses, kids, work, hobby, family, illness... the list goes on.

When you have been affected by something, say for example cancer, it turns into your obsession... You start researching about it, you learn more about it, you get involved helping bring awareness to others about it. Through helping others it brings joy and helps heal you.

We are so lucky to have people in our life to be able to bounce our "obsessive" thoughts on to. We have other things we like to talk about, but when we have an upset, it's nice to know that we have people that we can share our upset with. By sharing our upset, it helps us get through the hard times and have a better understanding.

My "obsession" is not so different from any other really. Everyone I talk to has something they like to talk about MOST of the time. I am a good listener and enjoy being with that person even if they need to talk about their upset/"obsession".

When couples first start dating, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".

Then when couples start having babies, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying, but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".

"Obsessions" aren't always surrounded by bliss. In fact most the time, they are surrounded by sorrow.

I listen to all my loved one's upsets, "obsessions", of their job, family, whatever it is. I listen because I love them and can understand their upset, and be there to help them through it.

I started thinking of ALL the "obsessive" things I talk about... I have talked about my pets, my close friends, husband but most of all, my children. My children bring the most joy and along with it, the most sorrow... I talk about the people involved in my life, with the people involved in my life... you could say, they are my obsession.

As much as I obsess about the most important people in my life; Steve, Dallen, Kirah, Justin, Ashley, Sidnee, Zara, Chance and Kai... people get the most annoyed, triggered about my obsession with Kai.

To me, that just shows how much joy yet how much sorrow that relationship brings to me. I talk a lot about all those other loved ones in my space, but it seems that my upset with Kai is an upset that triggers and affects many... the upset of loss. It is uncomfortable acknowledging upset, it would be great if we could just go on as if life is perfect and happy all the time. BUT I am too real for that.

I am so thankful for the people in my life that are there for me unconditionally, lending a listening ear always, loving me unconditionally not judging me; Tiffani & the Hoodoo Voodoo sistas, Tracey, Monte, Amy Reiser, Ann Marie & Ashley, Renata, Debbi, Jenni, Debbie W & Joanne, Jean, S.K., Stephanie B., The Paynes, Bev, Shel, Teresa, Kelly, Robbin, Mariluz, Allison, Heather & Jess, Chance, Dallen, Kirah, Kdawn, Pati, Zara, Crystal & Doug, MSRG & all those on fb affected by adoption, Hanne, Peter Dodds, Joe Soll... just to name a few off the top of my head.

I am also so thankful for the people who bring upset to me, bringing further awareness and lessons in my space; Kay, Mama & Papa B, Steve, Kai, The Abbott Sisters, and Jackie... just to name a few.

But honestly, how dare anyone judge me... how dare anyone judge others... Be careful of what you judge, you will soon be walking those shoes to have further awareness brought in your space, and you might just get an "obsession".

My "obsession" is family and I will continue to obsess, fight, bring awareness to keep families together... LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.

Shame on those for judging who deserves to be a mother. God is in a lot more control than we all give him credit for.

White lies

Nothing good comes from little white lies. What is a little white lie? a form of a secret? a lie not considered a lie because it is just not the full truth?

I personally think white lies are just as hurtful. The full truth always comes out eventually and when it does, it makes the receiver of the white lie feel like a fool. Not only do you feel like a fool but you question, "why do they feel like they have to lie to me, or not be 100% truthful with me?"

I have just been the receiver of a white lie. I found out the full truth shortly thereafter. I felt like a fool, I felt less than who I am, I felt like... a dirty little secret.

What was the white lie?... I understand the reason to deliver the white lie...

I am in a relationship with my first born son that I lost to adoption. We have been reunited for 5 years now. I have had the prilvilege to serve him in a mother capacity lately by bringing him a packed lunch and enjoying his company for his lunch break from his work that is located minutes from my house.

The other day, I bring him his lunch after confirming that he would like a visit and some food. I get there and he nervously plays this guessing game, "guess who just came minutes before you came?"

"I have no idea"

"Who would be the most awkward persons to show up minutes before you show up?"

"awkward?... I have no idea"

"my parents!"

"and?"

"they showed up and wanted to take me out to eat, I had to tell them that you are bringing me lunch!"

"you should have called me, I can leave."

"No, it was just barely, I knew you would already be on your way and you already prepared food. I just told them to come bring me food at my other job later."

He rushed through his meal, inhaling as fast as he could. Finishing up in record speed, excusing himself saying, "got to get back to work, now that I am on commission. Thanks for lunch! See you later, bye"

That was weird... but whatever... I will be able to get home sooner to help my other son with his homework.

I get home and my husband informs me that our friend just saw our oldest son at his work eating with his parents.

It all makes sense now... the rushing, the nervous energy, the energy of something not quite right... lying... I felt like such a dirty little secret. It felt no different than when my husband used to lie and cheat on me. They tell you what you want to hear, to save your feelings... you can tell they aren't totally "present" when they are with you... and when you find out the full truth, you feel like a fool, less than who you are, you feel like... a dirty little secret.

It saddens me that my son feels like he cannot be 100% honest with me. I understand he is worried about saving my feelings.

Honesty is always the best, the truth always comes out.

So, I am flipped into an insecurity... a famous feeling in the ring of adoption... does he really want or need me in his life? he has parents, that "I chose" for him... Am I just a filler for what he can't or doesn't get from his parents? How genuine is our relationship? I know I will never get back what I have lost. Relationships are just that, relationships. How much room does one have for relationships? My sister only has room for her immediate family for relationships. I tend to have many relationships with many friends and extended family as well as my solid immediate family.

The relations are different... my relations with my solid immediate family is just that - solid. My other relations have a different level of intensity and they come and go as needed. So my question here, as my first born son that I am legally nobody to is getting ready to expand his "solid" family by entering marriage, am I in the "solid" category or in the "come and go as needed" category?

Reflection

I tend to have my natural mother hat on most of the time... Today, I was brought to an abrupt acknowledgement... oh yeah, I am an adoptee... Today, I have my adoptee hat on... My father, my natural biological father rejects me. My parents were divorced when I was 4 or 5, my mom remarried shortly after. My step dad adopted me when I was 6. You can imagine the pain, the heartache for my father, an adoptee himself. Rushing into starting a family of his own so that he can feel a belonging he has never felt before... having your biggest joy in your life, your two girls being taken away from you... adopted... having to you yourself choose the "best" for them... to "save" them... to LOVE them. Guess what, I DO GET IT! Being an adoptee... acknowledging, I am an adoptee... I finally can acknowledge the pain of being an adoptee, having my father out of my life... having a great replacement to provide and take care of me as if I were his own... Its not the same... I wanted my father to fight for me... to heal for me... to be saved for me... me being adopted never dulled my pain that my father was being abandoned, out of his own insecurities of being an adoptee himself. My father is not fighting for me. I am thankful that I know first hand the insecurities of being an adoptee; feeling not good enough to be fought for, healed for, be saved for. These insecurities caused a repeated cycle and me personally having those insecurities; not good enough to fight for, heal for, be saved for... chose to relinquish my rights to my first born son, to save him... from who???... from me??? did I really believe I was that horrible of a person that I had to save my baby, my son, from me??? I am healing... I am acknowledging the pain of adoption from a natural mother's side as well as an adoptee's side... What was first, the chicken or the egg??? I have fought for my son, I am healing for my son... I am facing my father with my upset of him not fighting for me, not healing for me... I am upsetting him with my acknowledgement of the pains of adoption and the pains of be ing rejected, which is pushing him to reject me once again. Sure, I overreacted. I was deeply pained with the rejection I have been feeling. My biggest fear, almost came true... to lose my father, again. I am in a mother's group and we were talking about the pains of adoption as usual, when today, I was put on the carpet for saying, "I agree! adoptees do lack compassion and empathy. they tend to be very self absorbed." I am so glad to have people love me enough to criticize... Laura, who is an adoptee as well, repeated the cycle and is now a natural mother, says, "I beg your pardon Keri... not ALL adoptees lack compassion, empathy nor are we all self absorbed. Don't put a label on all of us. We have also been dealt a tough hand, just like our mothers have." I apologized, but the correction for me not to categorize and label, kept my mind thinking... Oh yeah, im an adoptee too... have i been a person that lacks compassion, empathy and am self absorbed??? Yes! my mother can definitely vouch for that... in fact, she has said those very words to me. The other thing that came up today in our daily chat...was the realization that all along, adoptees wish we had fought for them more and we are wanting them to fight for us more... that, along with the realization that i too am an adoptee, helped me with the connection of me wishing my father would fight for me more... and explains me fighting for my own son as much as I do. I have upset a lot of people with my acknowledgement and awareness. I apologize if I tend to categorize and label anything... I just call it how I see it and have experienced it. I then reflected on my reunion with my son, the stages of our relationship. The insecurities that flare and manifest... nowadays... there is less insecurities, more confidence is flaring and manifesting. I am realizing how my confidence and insecurity level is what dictates my relationship with my son... Now I just need to figure out how to apply it to my father.

THE NEW ADOPT

Who is the natural mother? Where is the natural mother? What does a natural mother look like?

Being in a society where there are so many adoptees, how could these questions not run through thousands of minds. Not only would they secretly run through the minds of the adoptees, but of the adoptive parents.

In the past, us natural mothers have stayed secret and hidden. We have gone on as if nothing happened.

I am a natural mother. I am your next door neighbor, your hair stylist, your wedding planner, your son's scout leader, your daughter's achievement day advisor, your young woman's advisor... I look like any other caring mother.


I have been in reunite with my son for five years now. I had my baby boy in 1986 and chose to place him for adoption. I loved my baby so much, I chose to give him to strangers to "save" him.


Save him from what? I tend to constantly be asking myself lately. From me? From a dysfunctional lifestyle that I possible could be entering, being a teen mother and all?


Adoption didn't save him... adoption didn't save me.


Looking back on my life and his life of being "saved" and trying to see where and how we were saved... all that I can see is sorrow and loss.

Looking back on pictures after placement, seeing who I am... I am struck with a huge realization... I am the same person. Not having my baby in those photos with me did not change who I was. Sure, being a teen, I most definitely would have needed extra love and support raising this beautiful baby God entrusted ME to have. Any new mother needs extra love and support raising their beautiful baby God entrusted THEM to have.

Let there not be judgment of who God entrusted to be the mother of His beautiful spirits He has sent down to earth through. May we all step up, love and support all mothers in need that God entrusted them to be. Let there be no judgment, only acceptance and acknowledgement of the opportunity to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND ADOPT THE MOTHER.