Being in a society where there are so many adoptees, how could these questions not run through thousands of minds. Not only would they secretly run through the minds of the adoptees, but of the adoptive parents.
In the past, us natural mothers have stayed secret and hidden. We have gone on as if nothing happened.
I am a natural mother. I am your next door neighbor, your hair stylist, your wedding planner, your son's scout leader, your daughter's achievement day advisor, your young woman's advisor... I look like any other caring mother.I have been in reunite with my son for five years now. I had my baby boy in 1986 and chose to place him for adoption. I loved my baby so much, I chose to give him to strangers to "save" him.
Save him from what? I tend to constantly be asking myself lately. From me? From a dysfunctional lifestyle that I possible could be entering, being a teen mother and all?
Adoption didn't save him... adoption didn't save me.
Looking back on my life and his life of being "saved" and trying to see where and how we were saved... all that I can see is sorrow and loss.
Looking back on pictures after placement, seeing who I am... I am struck with a huge realization... I am the same person. Not having my baby in those photos with me did not change who I was. Sure, being a teen, I most definitely would have needed extra love and support raising this beautiful baby God entrusted ME to have. Any new mother needs extra love and support raising their beautiful baby God entrusted THEM to have.
Let there not be judgment of who God entrusted to be the mother of His beautiful spirits He has sent down to earth through. May we all step up, love and support all mothers in need that God entrusted them to be. Let there be no judgment, only acceptance and acknowledgement of the opportunity to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND ADOPT THE MOTHER.
I think most of us grow up having multiple mothers. from female teachers who are mothering, to our best friends' moms, to our aunts, and our own wonderful mother. I think all of us get a chance to parent in some way or another and think that the mentoring, teaching, and raising of children is the most important job responsibility that we will ever have.
ReplyDeleteI agree we all should love one another. I'm sorry you feel your placement for adoption was not what you wanted it to be. I'm glad you have a relationship with your son. I feel birth parents should have open relationships with their adoptive children if they want to. I think it is very beneficial for all involved. I am an adoptive mother of two gorgeous children. I love having an open relationship with each of their birth families--pictures, visits, gift exchanges, etc. We see both birth families regularly and keep in contact with them. Our thoughts on adoption is the more people that love our children the better. Hope you find peace and love concerning adoption and your son.
ReplyDeleteI too am very sorry that your placement for adoption was not what you wanted it to be. Adoption has drastically changed in the years since you placed your sweet baby boy. I too am an adoptive mother of two beautiful girls and we also have an open relationship with their birth parents. We considered each of them to be a part of our extended family and they are as much a part of our lives as they choose to be. Both of our girls know that they are adopted and my oldest tells me often that she loves her birth mom. I tell her every chance I get that I too love them and am grateful for how they blessed our lives.
ReplyDeleteI believe that the Lord entrusts birth parents to make the best choices for both them and their baby. I have friends and family that have been down the same road as you have traveled and adoption was not their choice. Some of them have regretted their decision not to place their child for adoption as you have regretted your decision on the flip side. Others have be grateful for their decision either to adopt or not to adopt.
It is sometimes very hard to see in hind sight what your life might have been had you not made that decision.
I think that the Lord's faith in you and countless other birthparents is to me a true testiment of your strength and courage. I pray that you will find the peace that you are seeking.
I for one have a daughter that put her baby daughter up for adoption. At that time she was not able to take care of the child and the father did not stay around. Was it a difficult choice??? Yes it was. But with getting to know the family that adopted her little girl, I can only say that the Lord placing these people before us was a blessing. The love they show for her touches my heart. When I see the pictures they post of her, my daughter and I know that this was the right thing to do and that they were the right family.
ReplyDeleteAdoption can be a beautiful thing for all those involved. And I'm sorry that it didn't turn out the way you may have hoped it would be. But I do believe that you were a blessing to the people who adopted your son and they are so ever grateful to you for entrusting him with them.
I am happy to hear that you have reunited with him and now your journey to get to know each other has begun. May you find the joy and comforting you are looking for.
My husband was adopted. He is 43 now. He found his birth parents over 10 years ago. He enjoys that relationship so much and loves them. He however, is so grateful for his adopted parents. They did so much for him. Certainly, he wonders what his life would have been like, but his birth parents did not marry and he knows he enjoyed having both a mother and a father. He knows that was best for him. Both birth parents have changed. They could have kept him now, but then they were different people. I don't think it is about "saving," I think it is about doing what is better. Even with biological children we sacrifice for what is better. It is part of being a parent. My husband is so glad that his birth parents recognized that at those current circumstances and the circumstances that lasted years, he had a better option with two parents and they had a better option growing up and learning and finding themselves without having a baby along.
ReplyDeleteI think he is actually lucky that he has so many people now in his life that love him. Our kids are lucky too, they have extra grandparents.
We have also adopted. We have three and then adopted our youngest. It was amazing. We love her so much. She knows everything and we talk about her birth parents and celebrate what they did for us. We also recognize the sadness they must have felt too at the time, and that they feel on her birthday or holidays. We want her to know we love her and support her in whatever she chooses to do with her adoption when she is older.
I hope you enjoy getting to know your son. What a great thing! I know we have loved our experience. I hope you find peace and joy. Best wishes in your journey to find comfort.
I just found your blog and I love your saying "Love one another Adopt the mother" I am also a natural mom that was convinced I waasn't enough so I "chose" adoption 19 years ago. Adoption today is still adoption. The loss and pain is still there as much as adoptive couples do not want it to be. Every child that is adopted first has to lose its mother, family, heritage, tribe, ancestry. Our adoption laws are horrid, they are from a [past era. The child loses the mother that protected and nourished him/her, the mother that loved that baby. How do adoptees really feel when they are told I loved you enough to place you for adoption (abandon you). I know the problems that it caused my daughter. I have seen the hurt and pain that adoption has caused my raised children. My daughter and I have been fully reunited for a year and I see her pain of being rejected by me when she was born. We were in a semi open adoption.
ReplyDeleteModern day adoption is about friending an expectant mother to get her baby. Pretend you love her and care about her. If you really loved the mother and her child you would help her get on her feet and not look out for your needs of wanting a child. Adopters should not get some one elses child just because they cut the cord and were in a hospital room pressuring a mother to place her child. How can we say that mothers make an educated decision when they are counselled by adoption agency workers that tell half truths? Every day open adoptions close.
Wow! I just found your blog and am so excited to delve into your older posts. I had to comment once I got to this one because I find it interesting that the only people who felt it necessary to post about how rosy adoption is are adoptive parents!
ReplyDeleteWell of course it's rosy for them, they got our children! I placed my son for adoption 19 years ago and I thought I was doing what was "best" for him because that is what everyone around me told me...the whole, You are so strong and brave and love him so much you are willing to give him to someone else, blah blah blah.
What nobody told me was that you never get over the hurt or the loss no matter how long it's been. Having more children doesn't fill that gaping hole, and even if you are able to reunite with your child someday, it will never be the same as a parent and child relationship, it won't ever be easy and you won't EVER feel secure in that relationship.
Oh and one more thing...we didn't give them a BETTER life, we just gave them a different one.
Keri ~ I am going to blog on this subject. It's a great idea! What a change it would be if instead of causing a mother to live a lifetime of extreme loss and grief we could be able to help lift her up and give her a "mentor", the advice and help she needs to become the best mother possible for her child! And how wonderful for the child that somebody cared enough to do everything possible to help them be cared for and loved by their natural family. No questions of heritage, ancestry, where their eyes, nose, hair, talents, personality traits came from. No questions of why did their parents give them up, who they are, etc.
ReplyDeleteIn reply to some of the comments you have received on here:
Of all the mothers of adoption loss I have gotten to know over the last 2 1/2 years, none of them came close to imagining how hard it was to really live without their child.
In all my years of life I have never met or known a woman who regrets her decision for raising her children. Maybe wishing they had waited till they were older, but never regretting that they didn't give their children up for adoption!
No matter how "open" an adoption is, the mother still has to live with the loss of her motherhood. It doesn't take away the pain of losing a child to adoption.
Adoption has not drastically changed in the last decades. It still starts off with the tearing apart of one family to create another. The mother lives without her child, the child lives without their mother and the rest of their natural family, lives without genetic mirroring, etc.