I Surrender

I am working on book number two... "Letters To My Missionary"... I am seeing what that son of mine is accusing me of... "You always talk about adoption"... Well you know what??? Adoption IS my life... Adoption is a big part of who I am... Adoption has affected me greatly.

Critiquing my comments in letters to him, looking for mean darts or "woest me" flavor... You know what, I am pretty upbeat and loving with every comment... There isn't many questions you can ask me that adoption hasn't affected... Not only did I marry the guy that got me pregnant the first time I had sex and lost a baby to adoption... I had fertility problems, having to do invetro to get my other two... We have reunited with our first born son when he was 19, Dallen 9 and Kirah 6... Not to mention my biological father is adopted and my step father adopted me.

It makes me question, does Kai hate hearing how much like us he is???... Does he hate hearing, "I married the guy"???... Does he hate that I inform teenagers, "It only takes once"???... Or does he hate me say, "I loved you so much, I wanted you to have more freedom than I had"???

If you ask me? His strong hate for ME being so "obsessed with adoption and him" kind of tells me, HE has a hate for ADOPTION and hates hearing it being talked about... period. He doesn't want to hear anything about me because it's a reminder of who I am and what he didn't have. Just as much as it pains me of what we didn't have, nor will we ever. ... The difference is... I can talk about it and he can't.

I read a lot. I just finished a book that Danielle Steele wrote about her son Nick Traina who was bi-polar and committed suicide when he was 19. ... WOW!!! My kids are so bipolar it's not even funny. I cannot imagine how hard it was for Danielle, in a time when bipolar wasn't talked about or acknowledged. Hearing her words... reading how she managed and mothered her son when not even the "professionals" understood, confirmed to me that I am a good mother... I deal with my children perfectly...

Except for how I dealt with that first one... Danielle, knew she needed help caring for her son and found Julie. Julie was one of the many counselors that Danielle had sought out for help. Julie was the first person that recognized Nick's illness and need. Nick became Julie's full time patient to the extent that Julie moved Nick into her home. Danielle says, "It only worked because of Julie's enormous capacity for loving him, her generosity of spirit, and her constant fairness about respecting me as Nick's mother. She never tried to take my place, usurp my role, play games with me or him. She upheld me as his mother from first day to last, and we developed a profound love and respect for each other, which now transcends him. It really was tag-team mothering, just as Nick said, 'it took two women to mother him.'"... Wow, tag-team mothering, that would have been nice, I couldn't of said it better as to how it should have been.

New book I am reading, "I'm His Mother But He's Not My Son", by Barbara Gonyo... WOW!!! The quotes I could quote from that book!!! Through her words I am able to validate my true feelings and understand my feelings.

My favorite quote so far!!! "Black people didn't relinquish their children very often in the 50's. They raised them somehow in their families. Slavery may have taught them that not losing a family member is much more important than society's standards." Barbara Gonyo is my new hero!!! Bringing awareness... saying it how it is... not caring what others think or may judge at all costs... your son.