Reflection

I tend to have my natural mother hat on most of the time... Today, I was brought to an abrupt acknowledgement... oh yeah, I am an adoptee... Today, I have my adoptee hat on... My father, my natural biological father rejects me. My parents were divorced when I was 4 or 5, my mom remarried shortly after. My step dad adopted me when I was 6. You can imagine the pain, the heartache for my father, an adoptee himself. Rushing into starting a family of his own so that he can feel a belonging he has never felt before... having your biggest joy in your life, your two girls being taken away from you... adopted... having to you yourself choose the "best" for them... to "save" them... to LOVE them. Guess what, I DO GET IT! Being an adoptee... acknowledging, I am an adoptee... I finally can acknowledge the pain of being an adoptee, having my father out of my life... having a great replacement to provide and take care of me as if I were his own... Its not the same... I wanted my father to fight for me... to heal for me... to be saved for me... me being adopted never dulled my pain that my father was being abandoned, out of his own insecurities of being an adoptee himself. My father is not fighting for me. I am thankful that I know first hand the insecurities of being an adoptee; feeling not good enough to be fought for, healed for, be saved for. These insecurities caused a repeated cycle and me personally having those insecurities; not good enough to fight for, heal for, be saved for... chose to relinquish my rights to my first born son, to save him... from who???... from me??? did I really believe I was that horrible of a person that I had to save my baby, my son, from me??? I am healing... I am acknowledging the pain of adoption from a natural mother's side as well as an adoptee's side... What was first, the chicken or the egg??? I have fought for my son, I am healing for my son... I am facing my father with my upset of him not fighting for me, not healing for me... I am upsetting him with my acknowledgement of the pains of adoption and the pains of be ing rejected, which is pushing him to reject me once again. Sure, I overreacted. I was deeply pained with the rejection I have been feeling. My biggest fear, almost came true... to lose my father, again. I am in a mother's group and we were talking about the pains of adoption as usual, when today, I was put on the carpet for saying, "I agree! adoptees do lack compassion and empathy. they tend to be very self absorbed." I am so glad to have people love me enough to criticize... Laura, who is an adoptee as well, repeated the cycle and is now a natural mother, says, "I beg your pardon Keri... not ALL adoptees lack compassion, empathy nor are we all self absorbed. Don't put a label on all of us. We have also been dealt a tough hand, just like our mothers have." I apologized, but the correction for me not to categorize and label, kept my mind thinking... Oh yeah, im an adoptee too... have i been a person that lacks compassion, empathy and am self absorbed??? Yes! my mother can definitely vouch for that... in fact, she has said those very words to me. The other thing that came up today in our daily chat...was the realization that all along, adoptees wish we had fought for them more and we are wanting them to fight for us more... that, along with the realization that i too am an adoptee, helped me with the connection of me wishing my father would fight for me more... and explains me fighting for my own son as much as I do. I have upset a lot of people with my acknowledgement and awareness. I apologize if I tend to categorize and label anything... I just call it how I see it and have experienced it. I then reflected on my reunion with my son, the stages of our relationship. The insecurities that flare and manifest... nowadays... there is less insecurities, more confidence is flaring and manifesting. I am realizing how my confidence and insecurity level is what dictates my relationship with my son... Now I just need to figure out how to apply it to my father.