It's As Simple As Crayons

Putting things in simple terms, not only helps 5 year olds, but helps us grownups as well. The older I get the more I realize how nice it is to have little ones ask so many questions to help them understand this world around them, which in turn makes us think to be able to explain for them to understand.

I picked up my bonus 5 year old today with my 11 year old daughter. They are getting so excited for the holiday season... so many parties... so many people coming together to celebrate Christ's birthday. As I am answering what all the party plans are, Kirah and Sidnee are worrying if Sidnee will be able to attend these parties, "will she be here on that weekend?"

I answer, "I will have to look at the calendar, but no worries these parties are my family not dad's"... I am Sidnee's bonus (step) mother.

"Oh" they both chimed...

"Why is it different?" they ask. They have felt the difference, but why IS it different?

I explain to them, "It's like Dad is a blue crayon, I am a red crayon and Sidnee's mom is a yellow crayon... that makes Kirah, Dallen and Kai purple crayons and Sidnee a green crayon... we are all crayons, but some crayons go really well together and some crayons don't."

They both totally loved how simple that made it. I continued to ponder this crayon analogy metaphor to adoption and step parent families. Kai is a purple crayon that was raised by orange crayons... he has a bit of red in him as does orange... but orange is such an opposite color of purple being made from yellow/red instead of blue/red.

In my own life, let's say my mother was a blue crayon and my father a red... making my sister and I different shades of purple... as my children could be considered; Kai being a dark shade, Dallen a medium shade and Kirah a light shade... as is their hair and eyes, Kai's are dark, Dallen's are medium and Kirah's are light... My mother divorces my father and go finds her a yellow crayon to marry and he brings his daughter, an orange crayon, to come live with us. Growing up I had my mother/red, my step father/yellow, my older sister/orange and my younger sister/purple and me/purple.

I remember how conflicting this picture was with the different colors to paint this picture. I loved going to the red or blue family reunions/parties but I hated going to the yellow family reunion parties. I felt so out of place with all these shades of yellow.

I have always offended with my honesty of being a different color and wanting to color with my own shades. But when you are here to figure out what pictures you can paint with your shade it is helpful to have similar shades showing you.

Dedicated to Laurie aka adoptive mother

This morning, my daughter... who has stayed home from school... calls me in and wants me to sit with her while she makes some people on her wii... I'm sitting with her, she says, "I'm making Aunt Karen"... It was interesting how I could see why she made Karen look that way considering the lack of options... Kirah continues to show me all the other family members she has created... What a treat to see how my daughter views the people important in her life, and to see who is on that list.

I say, "you should make Mama and Papa B"... Folks, Mama and Papa B are the adoptive parents who adopted my first born son. We have been reunited with my son for 5 years now... it has not been easy... but we will go into that another time.

Kirah quickly responds and says, "I know! I have been wanting to!"

We continue to create Mama and Papa B.

During the creation of Mama and Papa B via the wii, it came to me...

"Kirah, just think... if Mama and Papa B started their relationship with us the way I am trying to teach people to understand, Mama and Papa B not only would have a special relationship with Kai, (my first born son), they would have a special relationship with you too."

"Oh yeah, they would be more like an aunt and uncle! that would be cool!!!" she exclaims.

I say, "No... check it out... If Mama and Papa B lived down the street or around the corner; started this relationship and mentorship with me, a teenager that just found out she was pregnant and wished she had someone besides her mother to co-parent with"... it would have been great to have a strong father figure to help be in this mentorship/partnership with me, my husband and our future children.

Kirah following me, wanted to hear more...

For you see, if I felt safety with the B's that their best interest is to help me, the mother, raise my child and build a genuine interest in me... being there for me like I am there for Becky, (Becky is the mother of my bonus 5 year old daughter... it has been just as I dreamed it to be... but we will go into that later) I would have been able to count on them to be there for me unconditionally, trusting them to not judge me but to love me, believe in me, help me without any strings attached... no expectations.

Looking back on my life seeing the path I took, putting Mama and Papa B in my life along side me... I think is how I would plug them in my life is just as Becky has plugged me into hers... I would have Mama and Papa B have visitations every other weekend; Friday after school until Sunday whenever the child wishes to come home or when it is convenient for the two parties. Plus every Wednesday after school til 7ish and sometimes Monday if we are missing the other. Being the mother, I would want my child every holiday, as we honor with Becky, but we would make arrangements to go to Mama and Papa B's house as one does with grandparents, taking my kids on vacation if they so choose, all together or individually for better one on one time with each of my children. Do it just as Becky does... call when she needs extra help, whether it be picking her child up an extra day after school so she can go to court, shop, family emergencies, doctors apt, vacations, whichever it may be, I never judge...

I would have had a very lovely relationship with Mama and Papa B that would have continued still today. I would have maybe wanted to change the visitations eight years later when I was on top of my game... but still having them be like a special grandparent to my child and children to come. During the time of invetro with Kirah I could of used their help with my other kids and would have continued to use their help instead of hiring a nanny after Kirah was born. If I had felt safety with them and confident they would not threaten to take my children away and be there to mentor with me, believe in me, I would have most certainly kept their relationship in my life all the way up to now... it would be one big happy family they are involved in, accepting all of us into their home instead of only Kai because of adoption.

After I explain all this, Kirah got a huge dreamy look on her face and said, "That would be way cool..."

I left her room to get mopping floors and thought of the few people I am offending by sharing my thoughts, visions, dreams... Laurie, thank you so much for bringing it to my attention as to what I really mean by LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.

My Son Lost A Brother To Adoption

My son lost two older brothers to adoption. I have not even bothered to realize his loss to the full extent...

Thanksgiving 2005 we found our missing piece to our family puzzle, Kai. The realization of how many years we have missed out and been away from him, unbearable.

Thanksgiving 2010 our elation of our missing piece to our family puzzle, Kai, returning... shattered.

We have been reunited 5 years this holiday season.

The first holiday season of reunite was pure bliss, until Christmas Eve when we were asked to leave by the adoptive parents, so they could have their usual Christmas morning with just their family... this is when we started realizing the true loss of living this puzzle with this piece missing and worse yet... living this puzzle with this piece missing after we have found the missing piece.

The second holiday season, which by the way also includes the anniversary of his birth December 23rd and relinquishment December 25th... aka, the death of my baby... By the second holiday season, there was so much pain from the loss and hidden grief emerging from not only me and Kai, but my husband as well... he is not just a sperm donor that birth fathers are referred as, he is a 17 year old that had no power and lost two sons to adoption without any say... My dear children, Dallen and Kirah, were burdened with this grieving and loss that they themselves did not know how to process... The 2nd season... I kick Kai, my baby I have already rejected and abandoned in the name of adoption providing a better home for him that I can provide, out of my home. For you see, now my home is too good, dysfunctional...whichever way you want to call it... to provide a home for him. I would not accept his behavior and held strong to what behavior of integrity and respect I expect from him... Boy was this a rough season for the whole family.

The third season, we came to the realization that we could not live without each other. Kai asked the family if we could wait until December 26th to celebrate Christmas... we had found one another two Christmas' ago and have yet to spend any holiday with him, even his birthday... We had a very empty, lonely, dragging Christmas Eve, Morning and Day. The children agreed to not acknowledge Christmas Eve, Morning or Day until the following day, so that we all could experience it together... Celebrating a day late was horrible, it didn't feel right and we will never do that again.

The fourth season, Kai was preparing for a mission, had a girlfriend and trying to juggle all these families for the holidays; dividing his time to his girlfriend and her family, the adoptive parents and us. We didn't feel his presence much at all.

The fifth season Kai was on his mission and his absence for the month of December was unbearable for me... I was an absolute wreck. I was reliving the relinquishment, the loss, the grief...This is when I started realizing and remembering facts about 1986. I signed papers... papers relinquishing my rights, passing my opportunity to mother him, be responsible for him, know him, raise him, mentor with him, have more opportunities to serve and love him...to be nothing to him. Our family was able to talk on the phone to our missing piece Christmas morning.

We are coming upon our sixth season... without him... The season is started with the "good" news that he is planning on coming home and leaving to Idaho to go to college...

November 30th, 5 days after Thanksgiving, after hearing the plans for the future... Dallen has been on a short circuit having these screaming rages... I have been on a short circuit and have been having these emotional breakdown cry fests over every little thing... I have put two and two together and acknowledged not only am I affected by losing my son to adoption... my son, Dallen, is pretty affected and continues to be affected by losing his brother to adoption.

"The American Dream"

"The American Dream" ... what is the American Dream?... First let me share a little history I have just learned...Before World WarII unwed mothers and teens kept their illegitimate children, and at one time it was mandatory for the mother to nurse her child for a minimum of 6 weeks to benefit the child of its mother's love... It wasn't until after WWII that adoption became such an epidemic...WWII all the men were fighting the war and us women were fulfilling those jobs available to help support our family... (a first step in the move of women independence!!!) remember "A League of Her Own" with Tom Hanks, Madonna & Rosy...Well, the men come home after the war, and I can only imagine the new independent attitude they feared in their wives... next thing you know, "Leave it to Beaver" June Cleavor is reminding us Americans the focus of "The American Dream", women, remember how much we love working in the home and kitchen raising this perfect family.

Back in the day "an illegitimate child was typically considered a "child of sin", the product of a mentally deficient mother...Before WWII the girl or woman who gave birth to it was expected by family, by community, and by the state to nurture the child and to bring it up. Rarely did others want a child who stood to inherit the sinful character -the mental and moral weaknesses- of its parent...the unmarried mother was viewed as a bad woman who must be punished... Adoption was a rare and unusual thing."

After WWII there was more of a divide of the rich and the poor, before WWII we all were living in poorer conditions, living with our grandparents, sisters, cousins, building this civilization up as we now know it.

The first cases of adoption was based on judgment from society and the affluent infertile mothers, literary kidnapping babies from less fortunate families with permission and acceptance of the states' authorities. Then began a time when welfare passed a stipulation, "any unwed mothers on welfare that get pregnant out of wedlock while on welfare, babies will be relinquished to adoption automatically and the woman is to be sterilized immediately".

With the help of "Leave it to Beaver" people started worrying about what will the neighbors think and their focus was for their daughters to graduate, marry, have two children and live "The American Dream". This is the era of the girls sent away. I am sure you all have heard the horror stories of these teen mothers being rejected by society and their parents having no choice to keep their baby, living isolated in a maternity home (sounds like prison to me, punishment for their immoral behavior).

Well, through time its inevitable to progress to a better way... Women grew up and told their stories of malpractice, neglect and abuse surrounding the adoptions of old, sharing the pain, loss and grief that they continue to suffer from. Society heard them and started glamorizing the new ways of adoption... Closed Adoption, to provide a better life for the unborn child, the tarnished woman can go on with her life as if nothing happened, still be able to live "The American Dream".

Well, through time its inevitable to progress to a better way... Women grew up and are telling their stories of malpractice and neglect surrounding the adoptions of yesterday, sharing the pain, loss and grief that they continue to suffer from. Society is hearing us and they are starting to glamorize the new ways of adoption... Open Adoption, to provide a better life for the unborn child, the tarnished woman can go on with her life as if nothing happened, still be able to live "The American Dream".

Folks, I ask you what really is "The American Dream"?

I will tell you what I believe "The American Dream" to be...LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER

People are confused as to what I mean by this. I practice what I preach, let me share with you all the people I have personally "adopted"...

My twin cousin Jessica, she lost her mother in her late teens and became a single mother for a good part of her life.

Justin, he is my "Blindside", he has a mother that I will never replace but I love the opportunity to love, nurture, believe in Justin and watch him succeed.

My niece Heather, her husband is far away from home serving our country. I happen to always pop in when she needs me and she knows if she needs anything don't hesitate to ask.

Becky Baker, she had an affair with my husband and she had Sidnee. No, it has not been easy... but I worked things out with my husband. It is what it is and in order for me to love his daughter in her highest good is to first and utmost love her mother, Becky Baker. I honestly can say, "I love Becky Baker", she shares this beautiful child with me. There are no fears of me taking her daughter away or judging her. Its not a competition as to who is a better mother. It is what it is...it is healing for everyone involved.

When we judge, we add negative energy to that persons energy field actually manifesting those judgments. When we have sincere love and light in place of judgment, we are adding positive energy to that persons energy field and actually manifesting those beliefs of success for that person.

If I would have held on to judgment you never know how damaging it would have been for my husband's daughter... her mother may have declined in her self esteem and turned to drugs and wild ways.

So, is what I am saying... Live "The American Dream" embrace every opportunity to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND ADOPT THE MOTHER, it truly brings you more joy, children, happiness and blessings.

Grandparents... The Most Important Role in A Family.

I am accepting "My Life's Purpose". It's not a very popular one.

I am preparing myself to attend the Adoption Conference in Utah.

I attended one in New York just this last September. It was my first one ever. I was surprised yet embraced the flavor and energy of the conference...very anti adoption... These people understand me, these people get it... I even braved a moment and shared deep feelings and truths of myself in front of hundreds with emotion, receiving a standing ovation.

I know it is my calling to bring awareness to many. I was very timid of the idea. My life is my life... what's done is done... life goes on... I can't change anything or how it is in my situation... but you know what??? I can for others.

As soon as I accepted the challenge mind, body, spirit...I get notified of the Utah Adoption Conference that is happening in 10 days... I have a gut feeling this conference is not going to be so much on my same page of thinking and understanding.

I research the program and list of speakers... mostly adoptive parents promoting adoption.

Some of the speakers are talking about the problems in adoption and how we can better the practice of it, yet still promoting adoption as a cure for adoptive parents infertility.

I immediately think, "I'm not going"...

As my day and night continues, I am haunted with the reality of how this information entered my space, the timing of it, my preparation leading up to it...

I research the program once more and know my presence will be divinely accepted in a good way, maybe not to all, but to many.

After this decision is made within myself, my thoughts escape to my beautiful grandmother that was mother to my 7 aunts and 1 uncle and my mother... yes folks, 9 children.

I didn't have much of a relationship with my maternal grandmother. For obvious reasons I can see now that I am an adult and realize the reality of why.

My relationship with my paternal grandmother was always strained... Now being an adult and understanding adoption more... being a child adopted at the age of 6 by my step father... repeating the cycle of adoption and relinquishing my first born son up to adoption... I can understand why my adopted father's adoptive mother's relationship with me was always strained.

In 1986, at a young 16 years of age, I got pregnant. My mother and I had gone to my paternal grandparents for help... maybe let me live with them while I was pregnant because my mother and I were not getting along. My paternal grandparents, (my biological father's adoptive parents) said "no thanks, we are too old for this".

Seriously, the next year, my cousin on my paternal side gets herself in the same predicament and she goes to my grandparents... Yep, after I relinquished my baby out of lack of resources, my same grandparents accept my cousin in their home and support her with keeping her child... For you see, my cousin is their biological son's biological daughter, making her... their biological granddaughter. Whereas, I was their adopted son's biological daughter.

My maternal grandmother was too busy on the road with my maternal grandfather managing hotels and storage units.

I realize while pondering in the shower, "I am advocating for the most important family role... GRANDPARENTS..." We can't have too many people who love us unconditionally, believe in us without judgment, cheer us on to be all who we can be. Instead of adoptive parents permanently severing the biological ties... sign on as grandparents... LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER. Become the greatest grandparents in the neighborhood loving mothers in need, eager to help, love and nurture all.

I truly believe, if I had a neighborhood mother figure that accepted me as her own daughter being 16 and pregnant... willing to be there for me, mentor with me, having her utmost interest be mine instead of the possible obtainable baby that I am bringing into the world... that would have been huge! What teen gets along fabulously with their own parents. If only I had someone besides my own mother...like a supportive grandmother... I have three words that come to mind... confidence, assurance, love... Sounds like great ingredients for raising a child.

Excited to Feeling Complete

I"m reading "Lost & Found...The Adoption Experience" by Betty Lifton. I know, I can not seem to get over the subject. lol. Anyways, I just got reading "not knowing your geneaology, adoptive parents cannot understand the significance of the adoptees skills nor envisage his potentials... Adoptees must get to know their biological parents AND extended family"

This gets me thinking in the shower... "wow! I love my Aunts and Uncle, cousins, my own biological mother, Grandmother and pa, and most certainly that Great Grandmother Cheshire. I then drift into appreciation for each and every one of them... My aunt Kathy who has the same love for travel as I; My drop dead gorgeous aunt Jerry, I love her humor, I love her double aunt status that provided a son that gives me a peek of how I could have looked if my step dad was my biological father. For you see my auntie Jerry had married my step dad's brother and had my cousin, my cuz cuz; My aunt Linda, who taught me how sensitive and sweet someone can be past the tough exterior; My mother, what courage and confidence! Being a teen mom that chose against adoption and raised my sister and I; My aunt Susan, its okay for us to be oblivious to our husband's companies and business dealings; My aunt Gay, the quieter one, very much like my sister, I love her humor, I love how warm I feel whenever I am around her; My aunt Jan, my twin at some angles, showed me how resilient and strong us women can be, us Quigleys are survivors and leaders!; My Uncle Mick, a perfect example of how my sons are to treat us women, Quigley or otherwise; My other twin, aunt Bonnie. The youngest of the bunch, the one who I resonate most with. Not only did she have my twin cousin, she has lived many examples which has brought me such divine wisdom to how I should handle situations in my life and to act out of love rather than judgment; My many cousins who are all living similar parts to my life; My grandmother, another twin to my sister...soft, gentle and always listening for a good story; My grandpa, helps me understand the dysfunctional cycle that is inherited to break and heal from by awareness; last but not least, one of the women that continued it all... Great Grandma Cheshire, what an amazing strong woman she was who has orphan/abandonment stories in her life that help me understand more versions of "adoption/foster/orphan".

I just had to blog and acknowledge how I am so blessed and grateful to have history to half of me. My only desire is to now gain the other half. To get to know my biological heritage even further by meeting my biological paternal grandmother that lost her son, my father, to adoption, would be complete. I can not wait to add to my family, the new uncles, aunts, cousins and grandparents of old. I am very excited to get to know, ME.

Another "Law of Attraction"

I have just found an album that I have not been able to find to replace since vinyl, just because they went out of print when vinyl records went to cassette tape.

Lions & Ghosts were a band ahead of their time in 1986 and were on the verge to becoming something huge along with Camper Van Beethoven, the Replacements and R.E.M. Unlike aforementioned bands, Lions & Ghosts took the advice of the mainstream airwave DJ's instead of college based DJ's (who thought the band was tailored made for campus stations). With their second album release they changed their sounds from "too understated and moody for mass acceptance" to "more of a straightforward, roots-rock approach". It didn't sell and that was the end of Lions & Ghosts. I never forgot about Lions & Ghosts.

In 1986 I had moved to California to live with my father...

who is an adoptee, married my mother because they got pregnant with me when they were 17, divorced when I was 4 because he had a temper that grew to extreme rages, wanted her to baby him like she was his mother but wanted to have control over her as if she were his possession. He constantly had friends over... being the guy with the pad to hang out have keggers and get high on drugs... My mother being a great doting mother to me and my sister opted to get out of the unhealthy relationship. After the divorce, my mother found a great man to take good care of her and her girls. My daddy became daddy Randy, then just Randy. Being an adoptee it was too much rejection having his only known blood relatives be separated from him and then legally reject him by getting adopted to my step dad who took over the shoes that he was incapable to fill... "DAD".

So anyways, back to 1986 when my sister and I moved to California to live with Randy. I had just relinquished my first born son up for adoption at the age of 16...

back then, "if you loved your baby you did the most unselfish thing and gave him a better life with two parents that had good jobs to be able to give this baby a better life than a teenager could ever give them"... i loved my baby, so out of lack of resources of knowing that ultimately all this baby needed was my love, lack of confidence that all the other stuff would fall into place... I chose to place my baby up for adoption with my mother supporting me with the same lack of resources to let her know that all this baby needed was her love and lacked her own confidence... being a teen mother herself who chose to keep her baby, married the guy, divorced... thought she could give her first born grandson a better life than she thought she was able to give her girls...

There is a method to how the universe works... when you look back at your blood heritage, you can definitely see a pattern... here is one of mine... my mother got pregnant at a young age became a teen mother. She married my father who is an adoptee... Because of the side effects of adoption, she had to get out of the marriage and without knowing the side effects of adoption, the cycle was repeated and she lost her first born grandson up for adoption and he became a repeated cycle of Randy, my father.

Luckily, the universe interrupted the repeated path of my father, Randy who has had an ongoing problem with drugs... now a days his drugs are legally prescribed... whatever... anyways, unlike my father, my son was blessed with being reunited with his original mother... ME. By being able to identify with who he is and know he is loveable because I can't help but love him as the son of mine he truly is, my son healed and changed his path to a healthy path.

Anyways, back to my whole point of my story that totally goes along with things coming full circle starting with my "aha"... through finding Lions & Ghosts on the internet after all these years and hearing their songs for the first time since we used to listen to them via record (ya record, that is what we listened to on Randy's biggest furniture item - his record player, with the hugest speakers ever made). It got me thinking... "ya know, we always want what we can't have".

I found this to be true when I moved to Texas and was in the mood for cinnamon bears (a gummy candy not to be mistaken as a roll, as was the case in Texas)... I looked and looked for a bag of the delicious candy, realizing for the first time that I had such a like for the item. I came to the realization that you cannot find a cinnamon bear anywhere in the state of Texas... Unable to have choice that I eat this candy or not, I became quite obsessed/addicted whichever way you see it. Every time I came home to Utah for a visit I would bring an empty suitcase to fill with 10 pd bags of cinnamon bears to take home to Texas. Cinnamon bears became all that I ate when I lived in Texas. As soon as I move back home to Utah 2 years later, the addiction/obsession has subsided... I can drive to the local grocery store anytime, anywhere in Utah and purchase a bag of cinnamon bears. I seriously rarely eat them now.

So... I just found Lions & Ghosts the album that I have craved to listen to for 24 years... as good as it was to hear them and I am glad I have them on my ipod, I rarely listen to them and realize they were not as hard to live without as I was thinking, they were just unobtainable to me like cinnamon bears.

The thing it got me focused on was my book... I have plenty of publishers asking me to publish with them for such and such money that I could pay them to publish my book. They basically will publish anyone that would pay them. I have been passing out my story to those that ask to hear it. I just got back from an adoption conference in New York City where there were many people affected by adoption that have wrote their story. Everyone has a story, so what is so different about mine... it is unobtainable at the moment which is putting more desire energy on it...I am handing it out for free on my dime to mail it all over the USA... My focus is on bringing awareness, not making money.

I have made a new friend that gave me the greatest message... "It's all about love. If we say it in love, if we are motivated by love, we stay on the right track."

Conclusion to my thoughts... Look forward to seeing my book published available on the shelves at bookstores, libraries and internet soon. Without a doubt in my mind, I know a publisher will find out about my book and offer to publish without me having to pay them.