Gifts at the Laundry Mat

I had an amazing experience at the laundry mat...

I have been busy packing up our house. We don't have any idea where we are going to end up yet, but we are to be out June 30th.

We have been renting for 2 years in a wonderful house that welcomed me and my family from the moment I set foot in the door.

As the universe would have it, this was just a pit stop for added healing for our family.

The home owners have decided they would like to move back and not proceed on the sale. As much as I have loved this home, I can see how it is time to move on.

Our family has moved often. My son likes to announce, "I have been to eleven school and I am only in 7th grade."... No, we have not moved eleven times... he just is pretty particular where he attends.

This home has been wonderful for our family. The ward and neighbors are the best I have ever experienced! I am so thankful for the Olsen's sharing their home with us. It is a true gift from them... to take a holiday from their home and have it be ours for 2 years... what a blessing for them to be able to return.

I have been looking and looking for the house that is to be our next home. The craziest thing... NOTHING is out there. All the homes are in foreclosure or short sales... which are not short at all,... We got 30 days!!! Even though we are prequalified, we are running into universe road blocks everywhere.

The house that we found that felt like THE one, fell through. At first it seemed ideal. It would be available the same time we needed and they would rent to us first to allow time to do the paperwork for the sale.

We pay the $35.00 for the credit check, its approved and then our honesty about having a dog sours the deal... No way, they have had a very bad experience having a tenant with a dog... We invite them to come see where we live and see how the dog is totally not an issue.

We offer to enter a contract to purchase the home after 6 months of leasing.

They counter offer stating... $10,000 down non refundable to go toward the sale, but forfeited if we didn't purchase after a year.

We accept...

And then they countered adding another $5,000...

We walked away from the deal.

I can not find any home available to us.

I continue to pack breaking down my house and today I am at the laundry mat washing large bedding. I am not very familiar with laundry mats. The only way I even know where one exists is thanks to Justin... Steve didn't want Justin's work clothes to be done in our washer. So, Justin obediently found a laundry mat close to our home and had asked me to drive him to the laundry mat so he could wash his clothes one time.

I couldn't recall how much it takes to wash a load or dry for that matter... I had collected eight dollars worth of quarters out of our jar and Steve had given me 2 quarters and off I went with no other cash than $8.50 in quarters.

I load up the washer and realize just to wash a load would be $7.50. Oh wells, I will just be able to dry for $1.00 worth. I sit down and read Doreen Virtue's, "The Light Workers Way". Enjoying nearing the end, reading how simple it truly is and realizing how much her words ring familiar and true to me.

The washer finishes up and I pull the comforter out and my first tug exposes a wet dollar. I instantly acknowledge this gift from the angels. It is a miracle, how a dollar would get in my comforter, that i had just stripped off my bed and loaded in the car.

I smile and thank my angels, knowing my stuff must need to take $2 worth to dry. Sure enough, I get over there and I need $1 more. I go to the change machine and it won't take my wet dollar. I go out to find a neighboring business to see if I could trade them a dollar, and they are closed... At that moment a lady came out of the laundry mat and I ask her if she has spare quarters in exchange for a wet dollar.

She happily whips out four quarters and asks if I needed more... for you see, the change machine had given her an extra dollar in quarters and she said she even had an extra dollar even if I just wanted to keep my wet dollar.

I thank her saying, "No, im good, here is my wet dollar. thank you so much."

What a wonderful experience at the laundry mat. How can I deny the gifts.. that dollar out of nowhere... the (angel) lady leaving the laundry mat appearing out of nowhere... the extra free quarters given to her from the laundry mat that she was willing to add to my pocket...

Such a pleasant experience... knowing that these wonderful pleasant friendly people I am always encountering... I do know on a deeper level than just this physical experience and we chose to say hello at the... gas station, grocery store, bank... or my favorite... the laundry mat.

Love and Light to ALL "birth" mothers out there.

Had a great Memorial weekend! We didn't go on vacation for once. We stayed home, cleaning and getting ready to move. On Monday, my husband has a new friend that invited the family over for a barbecue.



We had a really good time. Instantly, our families got along. Throughout our visit, I became clear on "their story". Their story is so parallel to our story in so many ways. One way in particular, I am a birth mother who has had a pretty successful reunite with my birth son. My husband's friend is an adoptee that has had a not so pretty successful reunite with his birth mother.



Throughout our visit, we were able to share the perspective of the other side... the view from a birth mother... and the view from the adopted side. I was thankful for MY situation for once... I chose to place my son up for adoption even though I feel I was brainwashed by societies thinking... I could not possible raise my baby being a teenager... even though my parents were comfortably well off... if I love my baby, I will give him a better life and place him up for adoption... I have had a hard time healing from, what I feel... my baby being legally kidnapped from me in the name of adoption.



But to hear about a birth mother who was a year older than me, 17, have no choice to keep or place her baby. She was taken to a home for unmarried pregnant women... left there by her parents (abandoned)... was not told that her baby was being placed because her parents signed her rights away to her baby because she was months shy of being an adult... after giving birth to her son and holding him with joy and love exploding in her heart as any mother feels... the nurses tell her that the baby needs a bath and takes him away from her... for her to never see again or even be able to say good bye.



It saddened my heart immensely to hear that the reunion did not go so well. The birth mother was a little too suffocating and too emotionally needy, it is too much for their family to welcome her in their life as much as the birth mother would like.



This saddened me even further. Being a birth mother and knowing firsthand how much I love my first born son that I placed up for adoption. Knowing how much I pine to cradle him, hold him, make up for lost time of adoring him, thinking... if I were that birth mother... I would be a wreck! I can barely handle the rejection from my son's adopted parents, but to even think of my son rejecting me and not allowing me be in his life as much as I presently desire to be in my son's life... HEARTBREAKING... not to mention that this birth mother totally had her baby legally kidnapped in the name of adoption.



The sadder thing about the situation for me... to hear how there is no understanding for the birth mother... the focus is always on the feelings of the adoptive parents because they were such devoted parents... and if the birth mother would have raised him, he would be basically a loser, supposedly.

My husband's friend had been adopted by a wealthy family and has been able to be provided for in every way imaginable... they don't realize... he would have been just as successful in life... probably even more so... because he would have had the unconditional love that comes naturally from the original mother... the side effects from the primal wound of being separated from your mother as an infant would not have affected him in life.

Even though I did not go on that subject...tonight... it totally dawned on me on how much this world needs to be brought awareness from the birth mother's perspective. There is only one difference in losing your child up for adoption and having your baby kidnapped... there is an unspoken justification that you don't have your baby because... it is "your consequence for your behavior".

The heartache and sorrow of your baby being taken away from you, is the same physical sorrow of any mother that has her baby kidnapped/taken/separated from her days old... but as a "birth" mother, it is not acceptable to honor your loss and feelings of pain and sorrow... because you brought the situation upon yourself.

I left the barbq with love in my heart for a birth mother in Connecticut.

I constantly question if I should go public with my book, or forget about it just like all generations of old have.

I'm sorry folks, when I hear other peoples stories, I have to speak out.

Love and Light to everyone involved in Adoption

Quite a Weekend

I had quite an eventful weekend! But all and all, it was superb! My weekend starts out Friday...

I have this wonderful friend, Renata. For the most part, I can drop by anytime and she is present for a wonderful visit. I drop by and she updates me on her newly adopted butterfly...

Renata is so connected with nature, the insects seem to gravitate toward her for nurturing. Last year, a baby praying mantis the size of a 1" sliver came in her space... if I remember correctly, it was the end of winter when we still are having snow storms... Renata had nurtured this praying mantis and shared with me the interesting facts that she learned from helping this unique creature from the insecta family. It grew at tremendous speed. She always allowed it his freedom... and one day when it was ready to be weaned... she never saw it again.

Well back to the newly adopted butterfly... once again, when we were nearing the end of our winter here in utah with snow still on the ground for most of the days, Renata had found this caterpillar crawling on the sidewalk beside her. She created a habitat for the thing and before you know it, the caterpillar is gone and a cocoon is in its place. Having no idea how to nurture a cocoon properly, she just does what comes so naturally to her and guesses what would be the best... She was so cute, she had sent me a video via phone of the cocoon moving...

So anyways... she reported to me that the butterfly had came out of the cocoon and was drying out its wings but sticking around unafraid of her. She had moved its open cage habitat in her room in fears that the butterfly was too vulnerable for the birds. She has now lost sight or knowledge of its whereabouts and cannot imagine what happened.

Friday night, I come home to realize that my Sexi Lexi, (chinese crested hairless mexican dog that i have had for 9 years) is not doing well. I am realizing I am going to have to put her down, she has been having blood in her bathroom business and I have been keeping her locked up in her bed area because she can't seem to hold her bathroom business.

Saturday morning I take my dog in and watch for the first time ever, something be totally alive one second and then seconds later take a last breath. I knew it had to happen, even though she seemed so full of life, I knew she had to have been in a lot of pain... For you see, I had mysteriously got a Urniary Tract Infection the same time my dear dog was having these signs... I couldnt help but to acknowledge the "coincidence ". I understood clearly how bad blood in your urine can hurt.

After saying goodbye to a dear sweet spirit that our family will never forget, I pick up my son from my sister's house, he has a basketball game.

I am feeling the pain from my UTI returning, but I refuse to miss another game of his. Getting ready to head for the door, I realize my mother is here, I had forgotten about her coming to watch Dallen's game. What perfect timing, always good to have your mommy around when you're not feeling well. We go to Dallen's game and the other team had to forfeit because their team arrived too late. The kids still wanted to play, so the teams still played and the scorekeepers stayed and kept score, but the refs went home. Folks, this was the best game ever, they all played like superstars! My son Dallen was making all these trick move layups and rebounds, they were passing amazing, working together as a team, they were so in sync with one another. They dominated with a score of 78-46. So glad I didn't miss this one!

My mother takes me directly to the doctor and my husband takes the children to Lagoon, (a local Utah amusement park). I was so grateful to have the company of my mother... but she exhausts me and I her. For the most part, we got along and agreed, but it never fails... eventually... the subject always turns to some disagreement of views and opinions. We have learned that we agree that we disagree and just cannot talk about it.

The subject... adoption... a subject I seriously am so done talking about, I am so done talking about it, that I cannot stand seeing or hearing about it. She disagrees and thinks it was a great marvelous thing and it is the Lords way... HOGWASH I cannot sit quietly and agree or listen to any of this. I turned out great because that is just the way I am, I would have turned out great even if I would have kept my child and raised him and I refuse to believe any different anymore. My first born son turned out wonderful and I believe he would have turned out just as wonderful especially if people abandon adoption instead of the birth mother.

I am being accused of being a "radical".

Homeschooling my 13 year old son Dallen, through K12 we are learning about all the "RADICALS" in 1965. Thanks to these "radicals" slavery was ended and laws were changed so the blacks had the same rights as whites. So guess what, I am proud to be accused of being a "radical". It takes us Radicals to get things changed.

So anyways, it's time for my mother to go and not a second too soon. lol I proceed to go pick up my new prescription. I'm waiting in the drive up, in my restored '67 Mustang, a car I have had since I was 17, with the motor off. And who pulls up in the slot next to me? None other than Jeanne, a lady in the neighborhood who has recently adopted newborn twins. Jeanne and I are always entering each other's space at the most bizarre perfect times... Here I am recuperating from a visit with my mother that ended with a little heated discussion about adoption and my truth that I will not sit quite about the side effects of adoption and I will continue to help others understand my plan to encourage mothers to keep their babies and have others understand the importance to not abandon the mothers, love them and help them raise their own babies by mentoring, loving and helping them... We know the other is there, but I am not in the mood to acknowledge her presence just as she is not in the mood to acknowledge mine. I can't help but to hear what she is there for, she is picking up a prescription for those new born babies of hers that she has recently adopted... a documented side effect from babies trying to adjust being taken away from their birth mother. They have such a hard time adjusting, most babies develop some kind of infection, breathing problem... something. I retrieve my medicine out of the contraption, start my car up and the song that starts playing, "I've got everything I want (almost)" Blues Brothers. I can't help get a huge grin on my face. I take all these events as a divine message that I am doing what is right speaking out.

I continue on to Ann Marie's house. Ann Marie is a dear friend from back in the day. Ann almost followed in my same footsteps back in the day. Back in the day, it was such the belief if you get pregnant as a teenager, you give your baby up for adoption. Up until six months along Ann was planning on placing her first born up for adoption... Until, her bishop educated her that all this baby needed was her love, everything else will work out. Ann kept her first born, a daughter, married the father and had a son shortly after with the same man. She is another one of my testaments that teenagers that keep their babies turn out great, as do their children. Ann was holding a barbeque in her son's honor. Ann Marie's son is leaving to go on a Tonga speaking mission to New Zealand. He has turned out wonderful, as has Ann.

Sunday, we go to the farewell at their church... and lo and behold... Dave Osborn, papa to those Shedaisy's and a papa of the neighborhood ward I had grown up in, is conducting Stake business. After hugging Ann's son a job well done, I was hugging a happy hello, how have you been, glad to see you to another wonderful person from my past, that knows me very well.

I do say, I had quite an eventful weekend! But all and all, it was superb!

The Cycles of Life

I will be turning the big 4 0 this month. I remember thinking, "Argh, the day I turn into an old woman, what dread." Yet, I am facing the day, with so much wisdom... the wisdom is so worth the wrinkles.

While I was styling my hair today, I had the urge to style my hair in the 80's fashion, a fashion I know oh so well. I have a little bit of natural curly hair and I am able to scrunch with ease to a stylin do straight from the 80's.

As I am scrunching with the defuser, (a must needed tool for such a task), I am letting my thoughts go where they want to take me. They took me to the thought of, "wow, if only I could relive the eras of growing up with this knowledge"... isnt that just what all 40 year olds say... As I am daydreaming... I realize, the order of events of my life... its as if they are repeating.

Entering into adulthood at 19ish, we are like infants. Entering a new world of living, adjusting to being an adult. My sister and I always laugh with embarrassment how naive we were in our 20's thinking we know everything... The biggest laugh, we both dressed like grown ups. Had mature mommy hairdos. We still don't know if it was the syle of the 90's or the style for being in your 20's.

Entering the 30's, when you really do know everything, all these issues start surfacing. It is like reliving junior high. You rebel against your parents once again. This time, disagreeing with the choices they made and how they handled things... with the knowledge we do have as an adult thus far... for myself, being a person that can not keep my mouth shut when I strongly disagree with something or know a better way and have a strong desire to share my knowledge with all those that will listen... it is mirroring the fear of rejection one does experience in junior high... except this time, I am not not willing to sell out to what everyone else believes. The totally cool thing, to top it off... I have been reaquainted with all of those dear friends of mine from those teenage years. It truly is as if we are reliving those teenage years with this wisdom.

I am handling the rejection with my head held high... how?

I have the confidence and love for myself that only can come from within... and that is what entering my 40's is all about!

Love and Light to all of you mastering this so called thing we call life.

What I Think

This month I have been pondering... "Wouldn't it just be better if I could ignore my feelings regarding how wrong adoption is and just forget about it. The cycle is over for me and my immediate family; I have lived it and learned, I am somewhat 'over it' as much as I think I will ever be; nothing I can do about it now, you can't change the past so just pretend it didn't happen, we are together now..."



But you know what? I cannot stand idle and not bring awareness to others. I have upset a lot of my family members with my openness about my new opinion of adoption. "We need to pull together as a family when a member gets faced with a trial, (such as an unexpected pregnancy or a shark biting your leg off) you don't encourage anyone in your family to give up the trial they have been given.



What's with the comparison you ask? ...


When I found myself pregnant a month before I was to turn 16, LIFE WAS OVER AS I KNEW IT... my life as a teenager was put on a halt.

I was so confused...

how could I go on living life as I know it?

being responsible for another, when I didn't want to own any responsibility for myself...

Instead of encouraging me to face my trial and learn my lesson with the support of my well to do parents ($) I was encouraged to relinquish my rights to my first born son and go about my life the easier way without the burden of a baby...



Other physical trials that get thrown in our space we don't get much of an easy way out. You get your leg bit off and you just learn a new way to walk the walk of this new life that you don't know anything about.

Define "Mother"

I have been studying angels and how things work down here on this dimension, earth. I have to share with you my most fabulous recent discovery.

The teacher was sharing with us, "Spiritually, we are all just equal. Spiritually, I am no one's mother".

That got my attention, I am constantly confused with my own feelings on the subject "mother". What defines a mother? Being a "mother" that lost my first son to adoption, I am constantly struggling with my deep "mother" feelings that I have for my first son whom I have been reunited with for four years now. I thought when I said goodbye on Christmas Day in 1986, I would forget about the whole incident.

I was programmed through the adoption agency, "There is no bond between mother and child. A child bonds with the mother who cares for him. As long as his needs are getting met, it doesn't matter who is meeting them."

I said goodbye and never forgot about the whole incident.

I always carried a prayer in my heart to meet again, confused as to what I would be to him.

The teacher continues; "Physically, this body (pointing to herself) is my son's body's mother. This body of mine knows everything my son needs. Our body is like a computer. No other body could mother my son's body better than my body."

Folks, do you know how much I loved hearing this!!! That is my truth! My truth that I struggle to tone down. It is so unacceptable for me, the "birth" mother to acknowledge this strong motherly love for my first born son.

I recently read a post on FauxClaud's blog "Yeah I'll bother..."

So glad you did!!! I loved all of the comments that supported my true feelings of this motherly bond I have with my son that I only got to hold for 3 days. I must quote a post that was posted by anonymous, "i parented my surrendered child for 4 days in the hospital... is there a time limit when we are called parents? So a woman who delivers a stillborn infant, is she not a parent? Is a woman who buries her child who died at 2 days old... is she not a parent? I AM MY first born son's mother. I took very good care of him during my pregnancy, HOW DARE YOU DENY ME THE TITLE OF MOTHER!!! I took care of him in the hospital and made a decision when he was 4 days old that changed his whole life. I regret that decision. However, only a PARENT could have made that decision."

I recently have returned from a weekend getaway to Vegas. Just my husband and I, no kids.

I am just starting to break away from the younger kids beings they are 11 and 13. I have not ever spent time away from my younger two... another side effect from placing my first born up for adoption. While I was away missing my children, I realized... "I miss all three the exact same. I don't miss my younger two more because I have changed their diapers and wiped their noses. I pine for my younger two at the same level I ache for my oldest."

I have been accused of pining for my first born too much and overlooking my two beautiful children that I have at my fingertips.

Well folks, yes I have had my younger two at my fingertips... but as soon as they are out of arms reach, I pine for them just as deeply.

I soon started analyzing my relationship with my parents. My parents consists of my mom and step dad that has raised me since I was 5 and my daddy randy. When I have gone a while without seeing my step dad, whom I love and adore, it's like going a while without seeing a great friend... good to see them when you finally do, but no worries. When I have gone a while without seeing my mom and daddy randy, it is a physical withdrawal... I pine to see them.

treat me like your daughter not the ex wife

it's amazing to me how people enter my path in the way that they do. last night i went to a wedding reception. it was for a friend of the past's daughter. let me go into how i got reacquainted with this friend of my past...

this ward that i live in is magical. the theme..."small world". i am surrounded by ward family members from my past. not only is the relief society president my piano teacher from when i was in 6th grade; all the payne's are here (another family that i had grown up with); one of my car pool kid's mom that lives 5 houses down is the sister of a dear friend of mine from the summit park ward; and now a dear friend from my herriman ward has arrived. her youngest is a few months older than my son. my son and her son were one of each other's first souls to meet as a buddy down here on earth.

we didn't stay long in herriman. 10 months after my son was born we moved to cottonwood heights where we lived for 8 years. after that, we were divinely placed in texas until we returned to those beautiful mountains in utah.

this herriman neighbor of mine from the past, moved to this mountainside the same time we did. we were not aware of this until... magically, our ward boundaries were requested to totally be changed. the outcome of this... I WAS RELEASED FROM MY CALLING AS THE GOSPEL ESSENTIALS TEACHER hallejiah praise the Lord!!! and we were reacquainted with our dear friends from a ward family from our past.

well, back to my original story... last night i went to a wedding reception...

it was this friend's daughter that was getting married. they threw the wedding in a few weeks time and it was important to me to support them in this. it was a busy day for me and i had been running from one thing to another all day long. i had time to squeeze this reception in, but i only had time to dart in then dart out. i pull up to our church and the parking lot is full.

i am extremely impressed with the support they received, beings it was so all of a sudden. it just shows how supportive they themselves are to others.

right when i walk in, i see a family from our herriman ward.

folks, when i see someone from my past...i acknowledge you like we were best friends. i keep a certain connection with people that have been in my space. as you age, you realize how connected you truly are to all these people. kids that you went to school with from elementary - high school, neighbors, teachers, and even in my case...principals. lol

so anyway, this person from 13 years ago... recognized me too. so we instinctively hug (because that is how i am), say hello and catch each other up.

well, let me fill you in on the past that i did not realize until too deep into the subject to back out...

when we were living in herriman, i was trying to get pregnant and eventually did invetro and was blessed with my 2nd born son, 1st to be able to raise. well, when you are going through experiences in your own life... you tend to take notice of others that are in similar boats. and sometimes, we even take notice of others as a forewarning of whats to come without even connecting it until years later. and then when we connect it...wow.

well, this lady had a natural child of her own, she wanted to adopt and had an opportunity to foster a young child and possibly adopt.

thats when we moved...

so im updating her on my moves since then and how we were divinely placed in texas... we have been reunited with my son i lost to adoption for 4 years... and how divine it was to meet up with our friend that we have in common.

she looks overloaded with the information that i just spit out in a matter of minutes.

i look to the long line and am about ready to excuse myself to go butt in line somewhere to be able to get out of here.

she then asks me where do the adoptive parents live...

"well, when my first born son realized he could not live without me...which is a step in the reunion healing process... the parents graciously sold their house in wyoming and bought a house 10 minutes away from my house."

"how is that going?" she asks with a sickened look on her face. she is starting to look extremely uncomfortable with our conversation, looking fearful, skittishly looking at her...now im connecting... adoptive teenage daughter that has taken too much interest in our conversation.

i then calmly reply, "they treat me like the ex wife. instead of treating me like their own... my true belief as a 'birthmother', they should have treated me like their own daughter from the beginning. they should have befriended me in the beginning and mentored with me helping me raise my baby, loving me as their daughter and be thankful for the wonderful opportunity i gave them to be such a huge part in our lives... by them treating me like an ex wife, they are missing out. i have two other children that i would share with them. love is huge. there are families with ten children and you dont see them unable to share the love around."


i continue testifying, "the bond between mother and child is so amazingly strong. stronger than i ever imagined. you think you relinquish those feelings and connection, but you don't... how i dealt with losing my child to adoption...it never happened my baby died, it never happened my baby died... then here he is standing before me... it never happened my baby died...but here he is... it never happened my baby died... but here he is. it has been very hard to pretend it didn't happen and even harder to pretend i don't love him as much as i do. i have finally freed myself of pretending, i wrote a book and claim him out loud and proud."

i then ask her, "didn't you foster?"

she quickly answers, pointing at her daughter "yes and then adopted her because she was taken away from her birthmother because she was not safe."

i then tell her, "the truth is always better knowing than pretending you're just a perfect little natural family. i think that door should always be open to the 'birthmother'. is the door open to the 'birthmother'?"

getting very defensive she projects, "i would if she wasn't a harm to my daughter. i do have contact with the extended family though."

"well, time heals all."

"yes, im sure your relationship with the adoptive parents will work out for the best."

she then hurriedly excuses herself saying they had to go and i proceed to another familiar face that happened to be at the front of the line, divinely saving me a spot to be able to get out of there in the perfect timing i needed. i go through the wedding party congratulating and head for the door to get back home... directly in my path... that same chicki that had excused herself obviously to escape my clenches...haha. panic is on her face as she sees me approaching...as i walk by, i happily, full of joy, give her a loving stroke on her shoulder and say in my joyful singing voice "hello hello." and continue out of the building.