Goodbye 2011

Well, the horrid season of December is over!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus, but along with the month of celebrating Jesus and his virgin mother, Mary, sacrificing her son for the world to better understand the law of repent AND forgiveness... I am in mourning for my son who I lost to adoption. His birthday is December 23rd. I had him at my bedside until the 25th, Christmas Day 1986 saying goodbye; leaving to try to forget and pretend it never happened.

Well, every December since, I haven't been able to forget and pretend it never happened. I have continued to hole up in the safety of my home for the month of December; only seeing my most favorite people.

When I was reunited with my first born son I had lost to adoption, I thought, "Oh, I finally have him back! I will never miss a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc. ever again!"

The sad reality, I have yet to spend a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc.

The first year, we were invited for his birthday and sent home on Christmas Eve... the a-rents wanted him all to themselves, like they traditionally have him. I have never seen him on his birthday since; We have celebrated Christmas one day late (with young children) for him; and we have had the blessing to have 1 visit late afternoon on a Christmas day a few years back... This year he said he dropped in at 6 in the evening on his way to his wife's family party down south that started at 6:30 but we were at the movies. I know, most mothers of loss have it so much worse... I should be so happy I am graced with his visits; he lives minutes away; his a-rents moved to my state to make it easier on him to see us. I should be grateful for their sacrifice but I feel it's like dangling meat to a dog making him sit and behave for a lick.

This has been an exceptionally hard December for me. For once in my life, I opened my heart to the story of Jesus and his dear virgin mother Mary, and allowed me to sit with the feelings and not ignore the feelings that are always triggered when hearing about their story. I am relating in so many ways... I have finally accepted it is what it is, we are who we are, I believe what I believe, and no one can tell me otherwise unless they have walked my shoes... The Salt Lake Tribune is about to publish an article on me and my family and about the loss of adoption and what it has done to us... how divine the article is to come out this Christmas season, the 25th anniversary of my loss... I am owning my truth and speaking out... I am upsetting a lot of people... especially my mother... her new fear... I am going to be excommunicated from the Mormon church!!!!!

Well, you know what, I have a better relationship with Jesus to know that I will not be damned if the church kicks me out for bringing awareness, speaking out, teaching others how to love unconditionally, support unwed mothers in need to keep their children and fight to bring father's rights along with women rights to full attention, accepting others, loving everyone as a whole, not judging who is better than who, as in who would be a better mother and father for the child... THE mother and father ARE the mother and father for the child and we as a whole, need to love one another and mentor with any person in need, especially a person with child.

If people realized the apple does not fall far from the tree... if you are looking at this apple and find fault, you need to look at the generation before them and if you don't like it, move further back another generation... keep moving back and see the pattern. Bottom line, we aren't ending a cycle, with adopting infants, it is just creating more problems of conditional love and independent thinking, dissecting families as if born to another. AND honestly, I don't care to be sealed on the church records to all of my made up genealogy chart that has messed up a role call that was most likely made up in Adam and Eve time to remember everyone and to not leave anyone behind. The way Mormons have taken this adoption to a whole new level does not interest me.

Lets learn from our ancestors and honor them by preserving our families and loving one another unconditionally, with acceptance and forgiveness in our hearts, no coveting what others have and reaching out offering our love, service and acceptance to all that come into our space, without fear or expectations, just love... after all, ITS ALL YOU NEED! I love John Lennon!!!!