My Beloved Son

My son Dallen and I have been going to an amazing healer. No pretending with her... she reads energy and your mind. She is absolutely amazing. My son and I have been having a hard time with the reality of adoption and reunion. He lost a brother just as I lost a son. I never realized that relinquishing my first born son to adoption would also hugely affect my 2nd born, first raised, son... Dallen has suffered a phobia of being kidnapped his whole life and he still suffers often not feeling safe even currently at the age of 15.

Kai, (my first born) Dallen's brother, entered Dallen's life when he was 9 and Kai was 19. It was hard in the beginning for Dallen just as much as it was difficult for me. Dallen, being the "oldest" in our raised family unit was demoted to middle child. Instead of his dad asking him to go places, this new older brother was being asked and he felt like his spot was taken as oldest son. Dallen also had insecurities that my love wasn't huge enough to share with this new older brother and he had fear that he would receive less love from me with this new older brother moving on the turf. To top it off, Kirah, his little sister who has always treated Dallen poorly because of her bossy ways, was kissing this new older brother's ass even when this new older brother was treating his younger sister more poorly than he ever had. Not to mention, the grandmother's and grandfather's that went gaga goo goo over this new older brother moving on the scene getting all this attention when here he has been right under their noses this whole time. But ... it was all worth it... he now had his older brother in his life.

Conflicting as it has been, wanting Kai 100% in our space/not wanting Kai in our space at all; we had to seek out profession help. We had to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of Kai in our family and accept it for what it is because we cannot change the past. We need to clear the energy, so we can have a healthy relationship in the future since our relationship has been traumatized by adoption... my choice as a 16 year old mother, I know... I will live with that choice for the rest of my life.

It has been a huge blessing to have my son Dallen on this journey of healing with me. He teaches me as much as I teach him. It's crazy, he will process an emotion, have an upset, react, scream and rage... and then, shortly thereafter, I am processing that same emotion and upset he just processed. It was so great to have Dallen to look to and find comfort and laugh saying, "I pulled a Dallen, Dallen knows what I mean." Well, this last process, I went first... not on purpose, it just happened that way. It was good to be able to help Dallen with this process, by helping him through it, I was able to further heal and strengthen my emotional charge on the upset and then in return I was able to further heal and strengthen Dallen on his emotional charge on the upset.

I feel Dallen and I have been able to shift having acceptance that it is what it is. Kai is who he is, and we are who we are. And with that, Dallen said chuckling, "because after all mom, Kai did not ask for this and ultimately he is just making the best of it the only way he knows how... because mom, if it were me that had to be raised without you in Wyoming, I'D BE PISSED."

After these wise words from my beloved son who I refer to as my dessert, (my reward for my obedience to sacrifice a son to the world in the name of adoption so I could help others heal... my reward from above to help me heal first and foremost so I could help others heal... my reward from above to support me and help me heal others... my cherry on top)... I could not help but to feel his words penetrate my soul... "Kai did not ask for this and ultimately he is just making the best of it the only way he knows how... because mom, if it were me that had to be raised without you in Wyoming, I'D BE PISSED."

I have finally been able to accept 100% it is what it is, and I think I can accept I didn't fight hard enough for my motherhood in 1986. I can honestly say, I have fought hard to prove my love to try to earn my motherhood when in all reality, it is what it is and I am who I am... and honestly, nothing can take my motherhood away because it just IS. With that reality, I can let go of all the energy of grieving and trying to earn the place of mother, because whether Kai wants to accept it or not is up to him... and in all reality why should he when I haven't been the one to be there. Like Dallen said "... I'D BE PISSED." So in all reality, I owe my first born an apology... An apology that he has never asked for. An apology that I have just realized the need of, thanks to my beloved son, Dallen.