Reflection

I tend to have my natural mother hat on most of the time... Today, I was brought to an abrupt acknowledgement... oh yeah, I am an adoptee... Today, I have my adoptee hat on... My father, my natural biological father rejects me. My parents were divorced when I was 4 or 5, my mom remarried shortly after. My step dad adopted me when I was 6. You can imagine the pain, the heartache for my father, an adoptee himself. Rushing into starting a family of his own so that he can feel a belonging he has never felt before... having your biggest joy in your life, your two girls being taken away from you... adopted... having to you yourself choose the "best" for them... to "save" them... to LOVE them. Guess what, I DO GET IT! Being an adoptee... acknowledging, I am an adoptee... I finally can acknowledge the pain of being an adoptee, having my father out of my life... having a great replacement to provide and take care of me as if I were his own... Its not the same... I wanted my father to fight for me... to heal for me... to be saved for me... me being adopted never dulled my pain that my father was being abandoned, out of his own insecurities of being an adoptee himself. My father is not fighting for me. I am thankful that I know first hand the insecurities of being an adoptee; feeling not good enough to be fought for, healed for, be saved for. These insecurities caused a repeated cycle and me personally having those insecurities; not good enough to fight for, heal for, be saved for... chose to relinquish my rights to my first born son, to save him... from who???... from me??? did I really believe I was that horrible of a person that I had to save my baby, my son, from me??? I am healing... I am acknowledging the pain of adoption from a natural mother's side as well as an adoptee's side... What was first, the chicken or the egg??? I have fought for my son, I am healing for my son... I am facing my father with my upset of him not fighting for me, not healing for me... I am upsetting him with my acknowledgement of the pains of adoption and the pains of be ing rejected, which is pushing him to reject me once again. Sure, I overreacted. I was deeply pained with the rejection I have been feeling. My biggest fear, almost came true... to lose my father, again. I am in a mother's group and we were talking about the pains of adoption as usual, when today, I was put on the carpet for saying, "I agree! adoptees do lack compassion and empathy. they tend to be very self absorbed." I am so glad to have people love me enough to criticize... Laura, who is an adoptee as well, repeated the cycle and is now a natural mother, says, "I beg your pardon Keri... not ALL adoptees lack compassion, empathy nor are we all self absorbed. Don't put a label on all of us. We have also been dealt a tough hand, just like our mothers have." I apologized, but the correction for me not to categorize and label, kept my mind thinking... Oh yeah, im an adoptee too... have i been a person that lacks compassion, empathy and am self absorbed??? Yes! my mother can definitely vouch for that... in fact, she has said those very words to me. The other thing that came up today in our daily chat...was the realization that all along, adoptees wish we had fought for them more and we are wanting them to fight for us more... that, along with the realization that i too am an adoptee, helped me with the connection of me wishing my father would fight for me more... and explains me fighting for my own son as much as I do. I have upset a lot of people with my acknowledgement and awareness. I apologize if I tend to categorize and label anything... I just call it how I see it and have experienced it. I then reflected on my reunion with my son, the stages of our relationship. The insecurities that flare and manifest... nowadays... there is less insecurities, more confidence is flaring and manifesting. I am realizing how my confidence and insecurity level is what dictates my relationship with my son... Now I just need to figure out how to apply it to my father.

THE NEW ADOPT

Who is the natural mother? Where is the natural mother? What does a natural mother look like?

Being in a society where there are so many adoptees, how could these questions not run through thousands of minds. Not only would they secretly run through the minds of the adoptees, but of the adoptive parents.

In the past, us natural mothers have stayed secret and hidden. We have gone on as if nothing happened.

I am a natural mother. I am your next door neighbor, your hair stylist, your wedding planner, your son's scout leader, your daughter's achievement day advisor, your young woman's advisor... I look like any other caring mother.


I have been in reunite with my son for five years now. I had my baby boy in 1986 and chose to place him for adoption. I loved my baby so much, I chose to give him to strangers to "save" him.


Save him from what? I tend to constantly be asking myself lately. From me? From a dysfunctional lifestyle that I possible could be entering, being a teen mother and all?


Adoption didn't save him... adoption didn't save me.


Looking back on my life and his life of being "saved" and trying to see where and how we were saved... all that I can see is sorrow and loss.

Looking back on pictures after placement, seeing who I am... I am struck with a huge realization... I am the same person. Not having my baby in those photos with me did not change who I was. Sure, being a teen, I most definitely would have needed extra love and support raising this beautiful baby God entrusted ME to have. Any new mother needs extra love and support raising their beautiful baby God entrusted THEM to have.

Let there not be judgment of who God entrusted to be the mother of His beautiful spirits He has sent down to earth through. May we all step up, love and support all mothers in need that God entrusted them to be. Let there be no judgment, only acceptance and acknowledgement of the opportunity to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND ADOPT THE MOTHER.