Folks, I saw two movies in one day!
It was my husband's birthday on Saturday. We honored my husband's birthday on the 26th instead of the 25th this year. For you see, through numerology, we have discovered that the passport place was correct that his parents had remembered his day of birth wrong.
My husband has always loved going to movies. I on the other hand have a little problem called ADHD, so I don't like to frequent movies as much as he. Since it was his birthday, I let him dictate the day. We slowly woke and went to the theater to see "The Rise of The Planet of the Apes" I'm not even sure if that is the title, but I am a huge Planet of the Apes fan! I remember the black and white then color TV episodes. Loved it!
WOW WOW WOW!!! I cannot rant and rave enough about this movie!!! Of course that is how it all started!!! How did we not all already know!!! Right!
And the preview for it ...TIME... OMG!!! Cannot wait!!!
Movies are getting SOOOO good and so true to reality. It seems all the great shows have the theme of adoption in them. Afterall, 70% of the population is affected by it.
I don't want to spoil it, but you all must go see!!!
Ceasar has identity issues and because of his intelligence he is able to rise above it (accept it), find his identity (heritage) and help his kind (species of origin) rise above for a better life together as one.
After this amazing movie that I truly want to see again IN the movie theater; we came home and I cleaned the house until around six, husband thought another movie sounded good. This time we went to see "Idiot Brother"... Loved it! Steve was getting frustrated with the brother that kept being too honest for his own good. A trait I have that gets me into trouble many times as well. Our problem? We are so REAL, you ask us a question and we tell you our truth; we believe in everyone; we see people at their highest potential of who they can be; we trust everyone... we are incapable of lying.
Movie was great, the sisters get so annoyed with their "Idiot" brother for innocently speaking truth and being incapable of cover ups, making them own their own truth and facing their reality, owning it, accepting it... until at the end, (when he had to go back to the slammer for saying too much and being REAL with his probation officer that he had mistaken as a sincere person that cares) his sisters who at first were so annoyed with him for innocently making them face their truth; bailed him out because they realized his honest integris self is a great way to be.
TO BE REAL with oneself, owning your truth, facing the reality, owning it, accepting it and loving it... IS TO BE LOVING YOU.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
"Antwone Fisher"
I just finished watching the story of Antwone Fisher. It is 3:00 a.m. and I can't stop pondering.
It was a great story, I'm sure most of you have all seen it. It's a true story about a man who is in the navy that has quite the temper and is referred to the psychiatrist. During sessions with the psych his story unfolds. Antwone was born in some prison two months after his father was murdered. He then goes into foster care with an abusive preacher family that is quite dysfunctional to say the least and when he got big enough to stand up to the foster preacher mama and not take her beatings anymore, she kicked him out on the street and then he joined the Navy. The psych encourages him to find his real family.
Now here is where my confusion begins. He finds his father's family first and they receive him well. One of the new found family members takes him to met his mother and upon finding out who he is, she leaves the room.
Antwone follows her back into the back living room and is able to tell her how great of a person he is and questions her why she never came for him. The woman was speechless and appeared a bit cold hearted, not giving him eye contact, holding all emotions in, not saying a word.
Antwone kisses her on the cheek and leaves...
Wow! Really?! I am confused at her lack of response. Me being a mother that has lost a child to adoption and has had a moment of rediscovery reuniting with my son when he was 19... I was expecting a little more remorse or excitement or something. But as I remember back upon my initial (very supervised) first meeting with my son... I too was extremely guarded. I too probable lacked showing emotion, but inside I was aching trying to figure what it all meant.
I felt very misplaced. I felt very inadequate. I felt very undeserving. I guess I could say, now looking back on that moment... I felt like a scared 16 year old girl again that was meeting her maker and nervous to see what exactly will my punishment be.
I hate living with the loss that I have suffered. Not knowing was almost easier. I could block it out and pretend it never happened. I had learned to live with the hole in my heart. Just like any other handicap, you learn to get along around it.
The other thing that I cannot stop pondering about. Wow! What a great family Antwone's father had. Now how come they were not notified? How come they were not the first on the list to go to instead of a foster home?
Well, this brings a memory back to me. When I was that 16 year old girl that didn't know what to do. The "professionals" and society kept referring to the daddy as a "sperm donor". Being as naive as I was, I seriously thought strangers were better than the "sperm donor" to help me raise this child.
I went to an adoption conference last October in Utah. Being in Utah, it was a conference promoting adoption, very unlike the healing adoption conference I had just got back from attending in New York with Joe Soll. They had a b!r+# mothers panel of fresh mothers that had just chose to lose their children to adoption, and they kept snickering referring to the daddys as "sperm donor's".
As I sat with my husband of 24 years, you know, that "sperm donor" of my first child... their snickering hit me hard. I remembered having that same mentality. I realized, oh my gosh, that is one of their tactics. Discredit the father as the father he truly is. Yep, back in 1986, I feel for it too.
This movie is a great reminder that there are two parents that make a baby. Laws need to change. It shouldn't be such a battle for a father to get rights to his child. Children need to stay with family. If the father's family is a better family than that is exactly where the child needs to be.
I was so insecure about myself and did not feel I had the love and support that it would take to raise my son. Being 16, I didn't know what it would take to raise my son. Now being older and wiser and knowing what it takes to raise a son... oh my heck!!! All that he needed was my love. And that is exactly why I gave him up. The professionals kept saying, "If you love your baby, you will give him away." WHAT A CROCK!
I loved him so much, I did not trust me or my family to raise him. I loved him so much, I did not trust the daddy or his family to raise him. Heck, I loved him so much, if the "professionals" told me to place him in Australia to live in the outback, I would have! Well, that is exactly what I did, I followed the "professionals" advice, and placed him in Wyoming with strangers!
Well he loves these strangers and they love him. I'm glad they love him and I'm glad he loves them. I would hate to find out that he had an abusive home as many adoptees do.
But I will forever regret, not having one person let me in on a little secret... All that he needed was MY love.
I still love him so much. Our relationship has forever been altered. It will never be what it could have been. I don't think he will ever love me as much as my other two children. It is a sad reality, just as Antwone said in the end, "I'm glad I found her, but if I never see her again, I'm fine." ... Ya something like that... I feel the same from my son, he is glad that he found me, but if he never sees me again, he will be fine. And the horrible thing about the trauma of being separated? I, his own mother, will refuse and reject him, to save me from the horrible truth... he will be just fine without me. (There is so much more to the story, but some other time, lets just say, I will not be called a whore once more by that little bugger!!!)
Don't get me wrong, this isn't all about me... I know... but let's be honest, its hard having such motherly feelings for someone that has feelings for you no more than some ole' lady down the street who may bake him a pie once a year.
It was a great story, I'm sure most of you have all seen it. It's a true story about a man who is in the navy that has quite the temper and is referred to the psychiatrist. During sessions with the psych his story unfolds. Antwone was born in some prison two months after his father was murdered. He then goes into foster care with an abusive preacher family that is quite dysfunctional to say the least and when he got big enough to stand up to the foster preacher mama and not take her beatings anymore, she kicked him out on the street and then he joined the Navy. The psych encourages him to find his real family.
Now here is where my confusion begins. He finds his father's family first and they receive him well. One of the new found family members takes him to met his mother and upon finding out who he is, she leaves the room.
Antwone follows her back into the back living room and is able to tell her how great of a person he is and questions her why she never came for him. The woman was speechless and appeared a bit cold hearted, not giving him eye contact, holding all emotions in, not saying a word.
Antwone kisses her on the cheek and leaves...
Wow! Really?! I am confused at her lack of response. Me being a mother that has lost a child to adoption and has had a moment of rediscovery reuniting with my son when he was 19... I was expecting a little more remorse or excitement or something. But as I remember back upon my initial (very supervised) first meeting with my son... I too was extremely guarded. I too probable lacked showing emotion, but inside I was aching trying to figure what it all meant.
I felt very misplaced. I felt very inadequate. I felt very undeserving. I guess I could say, now looking back on that moment... I felt like a scared 16 year old girl again that was meeting her maker and nervous to see what exactly will my punishment be.
I hate living with the loss that I have suffered. Not knowing was almost easier. I could block it out and pretend it never happened. I had learned to live with the hole in my heart. Just like any other handicap, you learn to get along around it.
The other thing that I cannot stop pondering about. Wow! What a great family Antwone's father had. Now how come they were not notified? How come they were not the first on the list to go to instead of a foster home?
Well, this brings a memory back to me. When I was that 16 year old girl that didn't know what to do. The "professionals" and society kept referring to the daddy as a "sperm donor". Being as naive as I was, I seriously thought strangers were better than the "sperm donor" to help me raise this child.
I went to an adoption conference last October in Utah. Being in Utah, it was a conference promoting adoption, very unlike the healing adoption conference I had just got back from attending in New York with Joe Soll. They had a b!r+# mothers panel of fresh mothers that had just chose to lose their children to adoption, and they kept snickering referring to the daddys as "sperm donor's".
As I sat with my husband of 24 years, you know, that "sperm donor" of my first child... their snickering hit me hard. I remembered having that same mentality. I realized, oh my gosh, that is one of their tactics. Discredit the father as the father he truly is. Yep, back in 1986, I feel for it too.
This movie is a great reminder that there are two parents that make a baby. Laws need to change. It shouldn't be such a battle for a father to get rights to his child. Children need to stay with family. If the father's family is a better family than that is exactly where the child needs to be.
I was so insecure about myself and did not feel I had the love and support that it would take to raise my son. Being 16, I didn't know what it would take to raise my son. Now being older and wiser and knowing what it takes to raise a son... oh my heck!!! All that he needed was my love. And that is exactly why I gave him up. The professionals kept saying, "If you love your baby, you will give him away." WHAT A CROCK!
I loved him so much, I did not trust me or my family to raise him. I loved him so much, I did not trust the daddy or his family to raise him. Heck, I loved him so much, if the "professionals" told me to place him in Australia to live in the outback, I would have! Well, that is exactly what I did, I followed the "professionals" advice, and placed him in Wyoming with strangers!
Well he loves these strangers and they love him. I'm glad they love him and I'm glad he loves them. I would hate to find out that he had an abusive home as many adoptees do.
But I will forever regret, not having one person let me in on a little secret... All that he needed was MY love.
I still love him so much. Our relationship has forever been altered. It will never be what it could have been. I don't think he will ever love me as much as my other two children. It is a sad reality, just as Antwone said in the end, "I'm glad I found her, but if I never see her again, I'm fine." ... Ya something like that... I feel the same from my son, he is glad that he found me, but if he never sees me again, he will be fine. And the horrible thing about the trauma of being separated? I, his own mother, will refuse and reject him, to save me from the horrible truth... he will be just fine without me. (There is so much more to the story, but some other time, lets just say, I will not be called a whore once more by that little bugger!!!)
Don't get me wrong, this isn't all about me... I know... but let's be honest, its hard having such motherly feelings for someone that has feelings for you no more than some ole' lady down the street who may bake him a pie once a year.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
History of Adoption as I know it
Folks, the more you know the history of something, the more you KNOW about something.
What a naive fool I was at 16.
Here is the history of adoption as I now know it. Thank you Rickie Soilinger, for being a history major and feeling a need for woman's rights in reproduction to be known.
In the beginning of time, there was not the word teenager. Back in the day, when a woman started her period, she would find a husband and start her family... Do you all remember Little House on the Prairie?
When we all started to live longer, the marrying age wasn't 12 years old anymore, and they came up with the term "teenager".
Back in these days, slavery was being abolished. It was no longer legal for Americans to buy slaves... BUT if a slave was already owned, and that slave got pregnant and had a baby, the newborn baby was instantly owned by the slave owner. With this mentality, the slave owners started controlling the females reproductively for their gain, more free laborers. Slave owners were raping their women slaves and basically enslaving their own offspring.
Now remember, back then, contraceptives... rubbers, the pill, anything to control fertility... was illegal.
Women had no rights to choose if they wanted to have a child. Back then, you only had sex to have a baby... even being married, if you were not trying to have a baby, it was illegal to have sex. ...
Fornication is what they called it... But how can you prove there has been fornication if you are married. But if you had sex and were not married, YOU WERE FORNICATING!!! And get this, men were not charged with fornication because it was the woman's fault for tempting them and them losing control of their actions.
Can you already see a need for abortion because of lack of contraceptives. Lots of slaves made a GOOD mother decision to abort her unborn child to save their child the life of a slave, to be owned by someone.
Young woman that found themselves pregnant, most likely not from flaunting her stuff... but for just being a victim of a man that lost control of his body... ran away to cities where they could melt into the crowd. They could start over, whether by having an abortion or trying to find ways to provide for her child. Which back then, was near to impossible. Woman did not get paid good wages, but in a city, a woman could control her fertility. ... Ways of contraceptives and access for abortions was easier and more accessible in a city. Quite different than living in a small community where everyone knows you by name and there is only one community doctor... It is said that young white women in the city were far away from their own mothers and from family supervision which lead them to ruin because no one was training them for their natural roles or protecting their virtue.
For you see, back in this day, woman were judged on their chastity. Only the prudest of woman were respected. Back in these days, an unchaste woman was classified the same level/class as slaves... second citizens as were their "bastard" children.
"The mentality in the late 19th century - having lost their chastity, they had lost their womenly identity, and did not have the capacity to be adequate mothers. Only by keeping and learning to mother her infant would this kind of girl redeem her womanhood and her value as a human being. Woman who abandoned their baby (generally because of extreme poverty and desperation or unwed mothers whose babies died were unredeemed failures." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Abortions were rising, especially for white American women, "puritan blood"... society was freaking out, fearing abortions were thinning out the population of the white people.
"Abortion risked the racial future of the United States." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Another thing society feared... babies being raised in poverty, continuing the cycle of poverty. Especially when we have all these affluent women that are having fertility problems or are too prude to fornicate even to try for a baby... okay, now I am just being sarcastic... but you catch my drift. ... JUDGEMENT was going on.
"If a poor mother fulfilled her parental duties properly, in ways approved by self-appointed charity and reform authorities she could be a mother to her child. If she did not met standards-- if she was not married or could not afford to stay home all day -- she had no biological or custody right to keep her child." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
So, in other words... all you mothers out there that are not stay at home mothers, you would be considered unfit mothers and have your babies taken away and given to the rich women that had a husband provide them with the luxury to stay home.
Beginning in the 1920's, more groups started advocating legal contraception.
Folks, it wasn't until 1944 that the male condom was perfected... AND it was not until 1972 that the Supreme Court ruled that unmarried people have the right to contraception.
You figure, before then, such things were seized and destroyed.
"The Comstock Law did enable postal agents to seize huge quantities of contraception-related items. Historian Janet Brodie provides this extraordinary list of Comstock's yield in 1880, giving us some idea of the industriousness of his agents but also a glimpse of what was surely only a tiny fraction of the total amount of materials in circulation that year:"Seized and Destroyed
165 different obscene books
64,094 rubber articles for immoral use
4,185 boxes of pills and powders for abortion
3,421 letters and packages ready for mailing
70,280 opened letters
6,000 names of dealers in obscene materials
901,125 names and addresses of people to whom "smut dealers" sent goods.
Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
We can all thank Margaret Sanger and Mary Ware Dennett, the pioneers of legalizing contraception and legalizing and disseminating "family planning" in the United States!!!
Okay, so time out... what is the big uproar with contraception and controlling our fertility, again???... I know, I had to keep being reminded, we live in such a different world of reality...
"Birth control threatened to undermine the ideology of feminine chastity and was a threat to family life... birth control could simply poison the wellspring of white woman's political agency (her maternal capacity)." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Folks, there is so much history and details that have got us to where we are today, but let's just jump to World War II shall we.
World War II started in 1939 and lasted until 1945.
Remember "A League of Her Own" with Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Madonna and Rosie... just to name a few??? Well, that is just how it was during World War II. The war took the majority of our men. Us women stepped up to the plate and entered the men's world of sports and factories... providing for our families AND taking care of our children just fine without the men around. Us women got a taste of equality!!!
Well the men came home and did not like us liberated women!... And I am sure, us women were not going to give up our liberation that easily.
What to do??? ... "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER" folks. ... Yep, June Cleaver reminded us what the "American Dream" really is.... Remember, we want to be a house wife with two kids and live in a crackerjack neighborhood.
Well, now we have the generation of "The Girls Sent Away", Ann Fessler has written about them... What are the neighbors going to think? Let's pretend it didn't happen and force our daughter to give her baby away so that we can save her class status and save the status of her bastard child that will get adopted by a higher class and they can pretend "AS IF BORN TO".
And there you have it, the starting of secrets and lies. We have come a long way. Awareness is the key! You can imagine my upset finding that I fell for societies judgment over the love for my baby. All a baby needs is the love of his/her mother.
Family preservation folks! In order to really KNOW family preservation, we have to KNOW life without family. Let's not let the generations of old fail to teach us.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER
What a naive fool I was at 16.
Here is the history of adoption as I now know it. Thank you Rickie Soilinger, for being a history major and feeling a need for woman's rights in reproduction to be known.
In the beginning of time, there was not the word teenager. Back in the day, when a woman started her period, she would find a husband and start her family... Do you all remember Little House on the Prairie?
When we all started to live longer, the marrying age wasn't 12 years old anymore, and they came up with the term "teenager".
Back in these days, slavery was being abolished. It was no longer legal for Americans to buy slaves... BUT if a slave was already owned, and that slave got pregnant and had a baby, the newborn baby was instantly owned by the slave owner. With this mentality, the slave owners started controlling the females reproductively for their gain, more free laborers. Slave owners were raping their women slaves and basically enslaving their own offspring.
Now remember, back then, contraceptives... rubbers, the pill, anything to control fertility... was illegal.
Women had no rights to choose if they wanted to have a child. Back then, you only had sex to have a baby... even being married, if you were not trying to have a baby, it was illegal to have sex. ...
Fornication is what they called it... But how can you prove there has been fornication if you are married. But if you had sex and were not married, YOU WERE FORNICATING!!! And get this, men were not charged with fornication because it was the woman's fault for tempting them and them losing control of their actions.
Can you already see a need for abortion because of lack of contraceptives. Lots of slaves made a GOOD mother decision to abort her unborn child to save their child the life of a slave, to be owned by someone.
Young woman that found themselves pregnant, most likely not from flaunting her stuff... but for just being a victim of a man that lost control of his body... ran away to cities where they could melt into the crowd. They could start over, whether by having an abortion or trying to find ways to provide for her child. Which back then, was near to impossible. Woman did not get paid good wages, but in a city, a woman could control her fertility. ... Ways of contraceptives and access for abortions was easier and more accessible in a city. Quite different than living in a small community where everyone knows you by name and there is only one community doctor... It is said that young white women in the city were far away from their own mothers and from family supervision which lead them to ruin because no one was training them for their natural roles or protecting their virtue.
For you see, back in this day, woman were judged on their chastity. Only the prudest of woman were respected. Back in these days, an unchaste woman was classified the same level/class as slaves... second citizens as were their "bastard" children.
"The mentality in the late 19th century - having lost their chastity, they had lost their womenly identity, and did not have the capacity to be adequate mothers. Only by keeping and learning to mother her infant would this kind of girl redeem her womanhood and her value as a human being. Woman who abandoned their baby (generally because of extreme poverty and desperation or unwed mothers whose babies died were unredeemed failures." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Abortions were rising, especially for white American women, "puritan blood"... society was freaking out, fearing abortions were thinning out the population of the white people.
"Abortion risked the racial future of the United States." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Another thing society feared... babies being raised in poverty, continuing the cycle of poverty. Especially when we have all these affluent women that are having fertility problems or are too prude to fornicate even to try for a baby... okay, now I am just being sarcastic... but you catch my drift. ... JUDGEMENT was going on.
"If a poor mother fulfilled her parental duties properly, in ways approved by self-appointed charity and reform authorities she could be a mother to her child. If she did not met standards-- if she was not married or could not afford to stay home all day -- she had no biological or custody right to keep her child." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
So, in other words... all you mothers out there that are not stay at home mothers, you would be considered unfit mothers and have your babies taken away and given to the rich women that had a husband provide them with the luxury to stay home.
Beginning in the 1920's, more groups started advocating legal contraception.
Folks, it wasn't until 1944 that the male condom was perfected... AND it was not until 1972 that the Supreme Court ruled that unmarried people have the right to contraception.
You figure, before then, such things were seized and destroyed.
"The Comstock Law did enable postal agents to seize huge quantities of contraception-related items. Historian Janet Brodie provides this extraordinary list of Comstock's yield in 1880, giving us some idea of the industriousness of his agents but also a glimpse of what was surely only a tiny fraction of the total amount of materials in circulation that year:"Seized and Destroyed
165 different obscene books
64,094 rubber articles for immoral use
4,185 boxes of pills and powders for abortion
3,421 letters and packages ready for mailing
70,280 opened letters
6,000 names of dealers in obscene materials
901,125 names and addresses of people to whom "smut dealers" sent goods.
Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
We can all thank Margaret Sanger and Mary Ware Dennett, the pioneers of legalizing contraception and legalizing and disseminating "family planning" in the United States!!!
Okay, so time out... what is the big uproar with contraception and controlling our fertility, again???... I know, I had to keep being reminded, we live in such a different world of reality...
"Birth control threatened to undermine the ideology of feminine chastity and was a threat to family life... birth control could simply poison the wellspring of white woman's political agency (her maternal capacity)." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Folks, there is so much history and details that have got us to where we are today, but let's just jump to World War II shall we.
World War II started in 1939 and lasted until 1945.
Remember "A League of Her Own" with Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Madonna and Rosie... just to name a few??? Well, that is just how it was during World War II. The war took the majority of our men. Us women stepped up to the plate and entered the men's world of sports and factories... providing for our families AND taking care of our children just fine without the men around. Us women got a taste of equality!!!
Well the men came home and did not like us liberated women!... And I am sure, us women were not going to give up our liberation that easily.
What to do??? ... "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER" folks. ... Yep, June Cleaver reminded us what the "American Dream" really is.... Remember, we want to be a house wife with two kids and live in a crackerjack neighborhood.
Well, now we have the generation of "The Girls Sent Away", Ann Fessler has written about them... What are the neighbors going to think? Let's pretend it didn't happen and force our daughter to give her baby away so that we can save her class status and save the status of her bastard child that will get adopted by a higher class and they can pretend "AS IF BORN TO".
And there you have it, the starting of secrets and lies. We have come a long way. Awareness is the key! You can imagine my upset finding that I fell for societies judgment over the love for my baby. All a baby needs is the love of his/her mother.
Family preservation folks! In order to really KNOW family preservation, we have to KNOW life without family. Let's not let the generations of old fail to teach us.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Numerology
Im reading another numerology book, trying to crack my code. I have just entered my first personal year, I am a five, with a five destiny, with a one for attainment.
How about that... now I have just got to figure out what exactly does that mean.
I start reading what my husband, Steve, supposedly is.
Ya see, about ten years ago, we went down to get passports and there was a problem... my husband has the wrong day down for his birthday... "Excuse me..."
The universe has Steve down as born on the 26th... Steve, I included, and his family has celebrated his birthday since the beginning of time on the 25th. The lady at the counter tells us that it states that Steve was born on the 26th at 1 something a.m. Steve suggests that maybe he was born at 1 something p.m. which would still make his birthday the 25th... because how could a mother forget when one own baby's real birthday is.
The lady behind the counter suggested we get Steve's father to come down and sign that Steve was born in the afternoon and not later that night in the a.m. on the next day.
Steve's dad came and signed that Steve was born in the afternoon and we were able to get him a passport.
So anyways, back to me figuring out what Steve is... Without a doubt, Steve is a 4 not a 3... We have come to the conclusion that Steve was indeed born later that night in the a.m., on the 26th.
I'm taking a moment to sit outside and digest my reading thus far...
Hmmm... lies lies lies... all around us...
The one thing I absolutely can not stand... LIES.
I instantly see my daddy's raging face, in my mind's eye, when a lie is being told, found out or questioned... Now there is one scary, mean face... a face I also pull when a lie is being told, found out or questioned... Wow! Me and my daddy hate liars more than anything in this world... I got thinking... It is most likely because we both have been lied to so terribly, all in the name of adoption... Him, from the beginning of his time, and mine at the age of 6 and again at the age of 16...
Numerology... meaning of life... cracking the code... life purpose...
Mine is Forgiveness, that's for sure... Awareness and change... A voice for the world to hear.
Folks, to learn ... someone had to wrong... someone had to be the person to experience being wronged ... to be the person to know not to wrong ... and to be the person to experience and know forgive...
I love living in a reality generation ... it is what it is ... nothing good comes out of secrets and lies... the truth always comes out, no matter how dormant your able to let it lie... the truth will always eventually come out.
I am sure there are others besides the victims of adoption that also hate liars furiously. When one has been deceived; by a spouse, significant other, family, loyal friend, etc... it is hard to recover... You know what??? I think it is harder to recover from being deceived by society and strangers in the name of adoption. I havent quite yet recovered from that...
I obviously haven't been able to forgive them... Why... What does Im sorry mean??? It will never happen again.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER
How about that... now I have just got to figure out what exactly does that mean.
I start reading what my husband, Steve, supposedly is.
Ya see, about ten years ago, we went down to get passports and there was a problem... my husband has the wrong day down for his birthday... "Excuse me..."
The universe has Steve down as born on the 26th... Steve, I included, and his family has celebrated his birthday since the beginning of time on the 25th. The lady at the counter tells us that it states that Steve was born on the 26th at 1 something a.m. Steve suggests that maybe he was born at 1 something p.m. which would still make his birthday the 25th... because how could a mother forget when one own baby's real birthday is.
The lady behind the counter suggested we get Steve's father to come down and sign that Steve was born in the afternoon and not later that night in the a.m. on the next day.
Steve's dad came and signed that Steve was born in the afternoon and we were able to get him a passport.
So anyways, back to me figuring out what Steve is... Without a doubt, Steve is a 4 not a 3... We have come to the conclusion that Steve was indeed born later that night in the a.m., on the 26th.
I'm taking a moment to sit outside and digest my reading thus far...
Hmmm... lies lies lies... all around us...
The one thing I absolutely can not stand... LIES.
I instantly see my daddy's raging face, in my mind's eye, when a lie is being told, found out or questioned... Now there is one scary, mean face... a face I also pull when a lie is being told, found out or questioned... Wow! Me and my daddy hate liars more than anything in this world... I got thinking... It is most likely because we both have been lied to so terribly, all in the name of adoption... Him, from the beginning of his time, and mine at the age of 6 and again at the age of 16...
Numerology... meaning of life... cracking the code... life purpose...
Mine is Forgiveness, that's for sure... Awareness and change... A voice for the world to hear.
Folks, to learn ... someone had to wrong... someone had to be the person to experience being wronged ... to be the person to know not to wrong ... and to be the person to experience and know forgive...
I love living in a reality generation ... it is what it is ... nothing good comes out of secrets and lies... the truth always comes out, no matter how dormant your able to let it lie... the truth will always eventually come out.
I am sure there are others besides the victims of adoption that also hate liars furiously. When one has been deceived; by a spouse, significant other, family, loyal friend, etc... it is hard to recover... You know what??? I think it is harder to recover from being deceived by society and strangers in the name of adoption. I havent quite yet recovered from that...
I obviously haven't been able to forgive them... Why... What does Im sorry mean??? It will never happen again.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Glad to be Mother to those that will have me
The boys are off to Scout Camp!!!
Steve, my husband, had told my son Dallen, "Instead of hiking in Moab with the Scouts, we will just really go to Vegas."
Well, Dallen took him serious and had packed to go to Vegas.
I asked to double check his bags to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Dallen adamantly declined saying, "I didn't forget anything, you gave me a list!"
Being the wise mother to my 14 year old, I figure... if he runs out of socks... he runs out of socks.
I drop my son off to a friend's house to be able to hang before he has to go to "Scout Camp"...
Before the packing incident, Dallen and Steve would say, "I'm so excited for 'Scout Camp'" they were having a little too much fun with it sarcastically...
When I pick up Dallen from his buddy's house, his buddy says, "Hey have a great time in Vegas." I think nothing of it because I am used to Steve's humor, "Instead of hanging in Moab with the Scouts, we will just head to Vegas." I just assumed Dallen was sharing the humor.
Without connecting the dots of Dallen's sly way to cover why his buddy said 'Hey have a great time in Vegas.'... Dallen says, "Ya, all my buddies call my house Vegas."
"Really? Why?"
"My mom has purple hair, my dad is crazy, my sister is extreme, I have a black brother and I am, well, look at me, I am ME... Our house is chill and fun... so they just call us Vegas."
"Hmmm"... folks, I did not connect these dots until just moments ago! LOL
This morning, I get the husband and son out of bed. I nag my husband to get packed and loaded while offering to make him breakfast or assist him in any way.
Dallen has it easy, he already packed last night before going to buddy's house.
I take the liberty to just take a small peek just to make sure he has enough socks. I open the bag... "Dallen, it looks like you packed for Vegas... unacceptable... and you have no socks... get this repacked."
I hand him his bag and he wouldn't let me assist him... 'He's got it!'
I finally get the boys out the door (late) and next thing I know, they are back again. I ask, "What did you guys forget?"
Steve says, "Dallen packed for Vegas!"
I called Steve a bit later to make sure they checked in and were on their way. Steve was not happy about going to Moab and couldn't believe I was making them go.
Of course my 14 year old is not going to have a good attitude about going... not to mention many of his buddies were saying they wished they could of gone.
My sweet innocent little 6'1" fourteen year old is on the cusp... he is a lot like my husband... they are really good at being good...BUT... they are really good at being BAD.
I text my husband, "I wish I could have gone in your shoes! I know I would make it a memorable experience for my son that would be a total brick that builds his foundation as a FINE YOUNG GODLY MAN!
That is the last I have heard from them.
Justin is back for a visit... love that 25 year old black boy of mine. His dear mother has shared her beautiful son with me for five years now... the same amount of time I have had my first born son in my life... Justin's mother passed this year. Justin was planning on coming for my first born son's wedding but instead of attending a wedding, Justin was attending a funeral... Isn't that ironic.
It has been very nice having Justin, as always. Justin is very protective of me and does not tolerate Dallen talking disrespectful to me. I seriously feel he is an angel that comes for visits to watch over me when I will be needing him most and he loves all of us so unconditionally.
Which gets me thinking of that other kid of mine that another mother shares with me, Sidnee Liah. It never fails... when our family needs extra love because of the intense energy our house can escalate to, I get the sweetest phone call, "Mama Keri, whatcha doing today?" God bless for Sidnee Liah!!! She calms my 12 year old daughter and can get her in a really happy good mood.
And that brings me to that FIRST one of mine... that FIRST one of mine is out of my space for right now. I feel he needs a break from me... He has taken for granted that he is an adoptee that has found his mother... and that is all I will say about that.
Steve, my husband, had told my son Dallen, "Instead of hiking in Moab with the Scouts, we will just really go to Vegas."
Well, Dallen took him serious and had packed to go to Vegas.
I asked to double check his bags to make sure he hadn't forgotten anything. Dallen adamantly declined saying, "I didn't forget anything, you gave me a list!"
Being the wise mother to my 14 year old, I figure... if he runs out of socks... he runs out of socks.
I drop my son off to a friend's house to be able to hang before he has to go to "Scout Camp"...
Before the packing incident, Dallen and Steve would say, "I'm so excited for 'Scout Camp'" they were having a little too much fun with it sarcastically...
When I pick up Dallen from his buddy's house, his buddy says, "Hey have a great time in Vegas." I think nothing of it because I am used to Steve's humor, "Instead of hanging in Moab with the Scouts, we will just head to Vegas." I just assumed Dallen was sharing the humor.
Without connecting the dots of Dallen's sly way to cover why his buddy said 'Hey have a great time in Vegas.'... Dallen says, "Ya, all my buddies call my house Vegas."
"Really? Why?"
"My mom has purple hair, my dad is crazy, my sister is extreme, I have a black brother and I am, well, look at me, I am ME... Our house is chill and fun... so they just call us Vegas."
"Hmmm"... folks, I did not connect these dots until just moments ago! LOL
This morning, I get the husband and son out of bed. I nag my husband to get packed and loaded while offering to make him breakfast or assist him in any way.
Dallen has it easy, he already packed last night before going to buddy's house.
I take the liberty to just take a small peek just to make sure he has enough socks. I open the bag... "Dallen, it looks like you packed for Vegas... unacceptable... and you have no socks... get this repacked."
I hand him his bag and he wouldn't let me assist him... 'He's got it!'
I finally get the boys out the door (late) and next thing I know, they are back again. I ask, "What did you guys forget?"
Steve says, "Dallen packed for Vegas!"
I called Steve a bit later to make sure they checked in and were on their way. Steve was not happy about going to Moab and couldn't believe I was making them go.
Of course my 14 year old is not going to have a good attitude about going... not to mention many of his buddies were saying they wished they could of gone.
My sweet innocent little 6'1" fourteen year old is on the cusp... he is a lot like my husband... they are really good at being good...BUT... they are really good at being BAD.
I text my husband, "I wish I could have gone in your shoes! I know I would make it a memorable experience for my son that would be a total brick that builds his foundation as a FINE YOUNG GODLY MAN!
That is the last I have heard from them.
Justin is back for a visit... love that 25 year old black boy of mine. His dear mother has shared her beautiful son with me for five years now... the same amount of time I have had my first born son in my life... Justin's mother passed this year. Justin was planning on coming for my first born son's wedding but instead of attending a wedding, Justin was attending a funeral... Isn't that ironic.
It has been very nice having Justin, as always. Justin is very protective of me and does not tolerate Dallen talking disrespectful to me. I seriously feel he is an angel that comes for visits to watch over me when I will be needing him most and he loves all of us so unconditionally.
Which gets me thinking of that other kid of mine that another mother shares with me, Sidnee Liah. It never fails... when our family needs extra love because of the intense energy our house can escalate to, I get the sweetest phone call, "Mama Keri, whatcha doing today?" God bless for Sidnee Liah!!! She calms my 12 year old daughter and can get her in a really happy good mood.
And that brings me to that FIRST one of mine... that FIRST one of mine is out of my space for right now. I feel he needs a break from me... He has taken for granted that he is an adoptee that has found his mother... and that is all I will say about that.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I Surrender
I am working on book number two... "Letters To My Missionary"... I am seeing what that son of mine is accusing me of... "You always talk about adoption"... Well you know what??? Adoption IS my life... Adoption is a big part of who I am... Adoption has affected me greatly.
Critiquing my comments in letters to him, looking for mean darts or "woest me" flavor... You know what, I am pretty upbeat and loving with every comment... There isn't many questions you can ask me that adoption hasn't affected... Not only did I marry the guy that got me pregnant the first time I had sex and lost a baby to adoption... I had fertility problems, having to do invetro to get my other two... We have reunited with our first born son when he was 19, Dallen 9 and Kirah 6... Not to mention my biological father is adopted and my step father adopted me.
It makes me question, does Kai hate hearing how much like us he is???... Does he hate hearing, "I married the guy"???... Does he hate that I inform teenagers, "It only takes once"???... Or does he hate me say, "I loved you so much, I wanted you to have more freedom than I had"???
If you ask me? His strong hate for ME being so "obsessed with adoption and him" kind of tells me, HE has a hate for ADOPTION and hates hearing it being talked about... period. He doesn't want to hear anything about me because it's a reminder of who I am and what he didn't have. Just as much as it pains me of what we didn't have, nor will we ever. ... The difference is... I can talk about it and he can't.
I read a lot. I just finished a book that Danielle Steele wrote about her son Nick Traina who was bi-polar and committed suicide when he was 19. ... WOW!!! My kids are so bipolar it's not even funny. I cannot imagine how hard it was for Danielle, in a time when bipolar wasn't talked about or acknowledged. Hearing her words... reading how she managed and mothered her son when not even the "professionals" understood, confirmed to me that I am a good mother... I deal with my children perfectly...
Except for how I dealt with that first one... Danielle, knew she needed help caring for her son and found Julie. Julie was one of the many counselors that Danielle had sought out for help. Julie was the first person that recognized Nick's illness and need. Nick became Julie's full time patient to the extent that Julie moved Nick into her home. Danielle says, "It only worked because of Julie's enormous capacity for loving him, her generosity of spirit, and her constant fairness about respecting me as Nick's mother. She never tried to take my place, usurp my role, play games with me or him. She upheld me as his mother from first day to last, and we developed a profound love and respect for each other, which now transcends him. It really was tag-team mothering, just as Nick said, 'it took two women to mother him.'"... Wow, tag-team mothering, that would have been nice, I couldn't of said it better as to how it should have been.
New book I am reading, "I'm His Mother But He's Not My Son", by Barbara Gonyo... WOW!!! The quotes I could quote from that book!!! Through her words I am able to validate my true feelings and understand my feelings.
My favorite quote so far!!! "Black people didn't relinquish their children very often in the 50's. They raised them somehow in their families. Slavery may have taught them that not losing a family member is much more important than society's standards." Barbara Gonyo is my new hero!!! Bringing awareness... saying it how it is... not caring what others think or may judge at all costs... your son.
Critiquing my comments in letters to him, looking for mean darts or "woest me" flavor... You know what, I am pretty upbeat and loving with every comment... There isn't many questions you can ask me that adoption hasn't affected... Not only did I marry the guy that got me pregnant the first time I had sex and lost a baby to adoption... I had fertility problems, having to do invetro to get my other two... We have reunited with our first born son when he was 19, Dallen 9 and Kirah 6... Not to mention my biological father is adopted and my step father adopted me.
It makes me question, does Kai hate hearing how much like us he is???... Does he hate hearing, "I married the guy"???... Does he hate that I inform teenagers, "It only takes once"???... Or does he hate me say, "I loved you so much, I wanted you to have more freedom than I had"???
If you ask me? His strong hate for ME being so "obsessed with adoption and him" kind of tells me, HE has a hate for ADOPTION and hates hearing it being talked about... period. He doesn't want to hear anything about me because it's a reminder of who I am and what he didn't have. Just as much as it pains me of what we didn't have, nor will we ever. ... The difference is... I can talk about it and he can't.
I read a lot. I just finished a book that Danielle Steele wrote about her son Nick Traina who was bi-polar and committed suicide when he was 19. ... WOW!!! My kids are so bipolar it's not even funny. I cannot imagine how hard it was for Danielle, in a time when bipolar wasn't talked about or acknowledged. Hearing her words... reading how she managed and mothered her son when not even the "professionals" understood, confirmed to me that I am a good mother... I deal with my children perfectly...
Except for how I dealt with that first one... Danielle, knew she needed help caring for her son and found Julie. Julie was one of the many counselors that Danielle had sought out for help. Julie was the first person that recognized Nick's illness and need. Nick became Julie's full time patient to the extent that Julie moved Nick into her home. Danielle says, "It only worked because of Julie's enormous capacity for loving him, her generosity of spirit, and her constant fairness about respecting me as Nick's mother. She never tried to take my place, usurp my role, play games with me or him. She upheld me as his mother from first day to last, and we developed a profound love and respect for each other, which now transcends him. It really was tag-team mothering, just as Nick said, 'it took two women to mother him.'"... Wow, tag-team mothering, that would have been nice, I couldn't of said it better as to how it should have been.
New book I am reading, "I'm His Mother But He's Not My Son", by Barbara Gonyo... WOW!!! The quotes I could quote from that book!!! Through her words I am able to validate my true feelings and understand my feelings.
My favorite quote so far!!! "Black people didn't relinquish their children very often in the 50's. They raised them somehow in their families. Slavery may have taught them that not losing a family member is much more important than society's standards." Barbara Gonyo is my new hero!!! Bringing awareness... saying it how it is... not caring what others think or may judge at all costs... your son.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Obsession
I have been accused of having an Obsession. It got me thinking... what is an obsession??? the dictionary describes it as "a persistent disturbing preoccupation with an idea or feeling".
Pondering more on the subject of obsession and observing others wondering if they have an obsession, something they always talk about... I have come to the conclusion... we all have an obsession with something we are focusing on . Some people obsess on their pets, their girlfriends/boyfriends, fiance's, spouses, kids, work, hobby, family, illness... the list goes on.
When you have been affected by something, say for example cancer, it turns into your obsession... You start researching about it, you learn more about it, you get involved helping bring awareness to others about it. Through helping others it brings joy and helps heal you.
We are so lucky to have people in our life to be able to bounce our "obsessive" thoughts on to. We have other things we like to talk about, but when we have an upset, it's nice to know that we have people that we can share our upset with. By sharing our upset, it helps us get through the hard times and have a better understanding.
My "obsession" is not so different from any other really. Everyone I talk to has something they like to talk about MOST of the time. I am a good listener and enjoy being with that person even if they need to talk about their upset/"obsession".
When couples first start dating, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".
Then when couples start having babies, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying, but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".
"Obsessions" aren't always surrounded by bliss. In fact most the time, they are surrounded by sorrow.
I listen to all my loved one's upsets, "obsessions", of their job, family, whatever it is. I listen because I love them and can understand their upset, and be there to help them through it.
I started thinking of ALL the "obsessive" things I talk about... I have talked about my pets, my close friends, husband but most of all, my children. My children bring the most joy and along with it, the most sorrow... I talk about the people involved in my life, with the people involved in my life... you could say, they are my obsession.
As much as I obsess about the most important people in my life; Steve, Dallen, Kirah, Justin, Ashley, Sidnee, Zara, Chance and Kai... people get the most annoyed, triggered about my obsession with Kai.
To me, that just shows how much joy yet how much sorrow that relationship brings to me. I talk a lot about all those other loved ones in my space, but it seems that my upset with Kai is an upset that triggers and affects many... the upset of loss. It is uncomfortable acknowledging upset, it would be great if we could just go on as if life is perfect and happy all the time. BUT I am too real for that.
I am so thankful for the people in my life that are there for me unconditionally, lending a listening ear always, loving me unconditionally not judging me; Tiffani & the Hoodoo Voodoo sistas, Tracey, Monte, Amy Reiser, Ann Marie & Ashley, Renata, Debbi, Jenni, Debbie W & Joanne, Jean, S.K., Stephanie B., The Paynes, Bev, Shel, Teresa, Kelly, Robbin, Mariluz, Allison, Heather & Jess, Chance, Dallen, Kirah, Kdawn, Pati, Zara, Crystal & Doug, MSRG & all those on fb affected by adoption, Hanne, Peter Dodds, Joe Soll... just to name a few off the top of my head.
I am also so thankful for the people who bring upset to me, bringing further awareness and lessons in my space; Kay, Mama & Papa B, Steve, Kai, The Abbott Sisters, and Jackie... just to name a few.
But honestly, how dare anyone judge me... how dare anyone judge others... Be careful of what you judge, you will soon be walking those shoes to have further awareness brought in your space, and you might just get an "obsession".
My "obsession" is family and I will continue to obsess, fight, bring awareness to keep families together... LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.
Shame on those for judging who deserves to be a mother. God is in a lot more control than we all give him credit for.
Pondering more on the subject of obsession and observing others wondering if they have an obsession, something they always talk about... I have come to the conclusion... we all have an obsession with something we are focusing on . Some people obsess on their pets, their girlfriends/boyfriends, fiance's, spouses, kids, work, hobby, family, illness... the list goes on.
When you have been affected by something, say for example cancer, it turns into your obsession... You start researching about it, you learn more about it, you get involved helping bring awareness to others about it. Through helping others it brings joy and helps heal you.
We are so lucky to have people in our life to be able to bounce our "obsessive" thoughts on to. We have other things we like to talk about, but when we have an upset, it's nice to know that we have people that we can share our upset with. By sharing our upset, it helps us get through the hard times and have a better understanding.
My "obsession" is not so different from any other really. Everyone I talk to has something they like to talk about MOST of the time. I am a good listener and enjoy being with that person even if they need to talk about their upset/"obsession".
When couples first start dating, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".
Then when couples start having babies, it's the only thing they want to talk about... their new sweet thing... it gets a little annoying, but you let them revel in their bliss of infatuation, or shall I say, "obsession".
"Obsessions" aren't always surrounded by bliss. In fact most the time, they are surrounded by sorrow.
I listen to all my loved one's upsets, "obsessions", of their job, family, whatever it is. I listen because I love them and can understand their upset, and be there to help them through it.
I started thinking of ALL the "obsessive" things I talk about... I have talked about my pets, my close friends, husband but most of all, my children. My children bring the most joy and along with it, the most sorrow... I talk about the people involved in my life, with the people involved in my life... you could say, they are my obsession.
As much as I obsess about the most important people in my life; Steve, Dallen, Kirah, Justin, Ashley, Sidnee, Zara, Chance and Kai... people get the most annoyed, triggered about my obsession with Kai.
To me, that just shows how much joy yet how much sorrow that relationship brings to me. I talk a lot about all those other loved ones in my space, but it seems that my upset with Kai is an upset that triggers and affects many... the upset of loss. It is uncomfortable acknowledging upset, it would be great if we could just go on as if life is perfect and happy all the time. BUT I am too real for that.
I am so thankful for the people in my life that are there for me unconditionally, lending a listening ear always, loving me unconditionally not judging me; Tiffani & the Hoodoo Voodoo sistas, Tracey, Monte, Amy Reiser, Ann Marie & Ashley, Renata, Debbi, Jenni, Debbie W & Joanne, Jean, S.K., Stephanie B., The Paynes, Bev, Shel, Teresa, Kelly, Robbin, Mariluz, Allison, Heather & Jess, Chance, Dallen, Kirah, Kdawn, Pati, Zara, Crystal & Doug, MSRG & all those on fb affected by adoption, Hanne, Peter Dodds, Joe Soll... just to name a few off the top of my head.
I am also so thankful for the people who bring upset to me, bringing further awareness and lessons in my space; Kay, Mama & Papa B, Steve, Kai, The Abbott Sisters, and Jackie... just to name a few.
But honestly, how dare anyone judge me... how dare anyone judge others... Be careful of what you judge, you will soon be walking those shoes to have further awareness brought in your space, and you might just get an "obsession".
My "obsession" is family and I will continue to obsess, fight, bring awareness to keep families together... LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.
Shame on those for judging who deserves to be a mother. God is in a lot more control than we all give him credit for.
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