Well, the horrid season of December is over!!!! Don't get me wrong, I love Jesus, but along with the month of celebrating Jesus and his virgin mother, Mary, sacrificing her son for the world to better understand the law of repent AND forgiveness... I am in mourning for my son who I lost to adoption. His birthday is December 23rd. I had him at my bedside until the 25th, Christmas Day 1986 saying goodbye; leaving to try to forget and pretend it never happened.
Well, every December since, I haven't been able to forget and pretend it never happened. I have continued to hole up in the safety of my home for the month of December; only seeing my most favorite people.
When I was reunited with my first born son I had lost to adoption, I thought, "Oh, I finally have him back! I will never miss a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc. ever again!"
The sad reality, I have yet to spend a birthday, Christmas, holiday, moment, etc.
The first year, we were invited for his birthday and sent home on Christmas Eve... the a-rents wanted him all to themselves, like they traditionally have him. I have never seen him on his birthday since; We have celebrated Christmas one day late (with young children) for him; and we have had the blessing to have 1 visit late afternoon on a Christmas day a few years back... This year he said he dropped in at 6 in the evening on his way to his wife's family party down south that started at 6:30 but we were at the movies. I know, most mothers of loss have it so much worse... I should be so happy I am graced with his visits; he lives minutes away; his a-rents moved to my state to make it easier on him to see us. I should be grateful for their sacrifice but I feel it's like dangling meat to a dog making him sit and behave for a lick.
This has been an exceptionally hard December for me. For once in my life, I opened my heart to the story of Jesus and his dear virgin mother Mary, and allowed me to sit with the feelings and not ignore the feelings that are always triggered when hearing about their story. I am relating in so many ways... I have finally accepted it is what it is, we are who we are, I believe what I believe, and no one can tell me otherwise unless they have walked my shoes... The Salt Lake Tribune is about to publish an article on me and my family and about the loss of adoption and what it has done to us... how divine the article is to come out this Christmas season, the 25th anniversary of my loss... I am owning my truth and speaking out... I am upsetting a lot of people... especially my mother... her new fear... I am going to be excommunicated from the Mormon church!!!!!
Well, you know what, I have a better relationship with Jesus to know that I will not be damned if the church kicks me out for bringing awareness, speaking out, teaching others how to love unconditionally, support unwed mothers in need to keep their children and fight to bring father's rights along with women rights to full attention, accepting others, loving everyone as a whole, not judging who is better than who, as in who would be a better mother and father for the child... THE mother and father ARE the mother and father for the child and we as a whole, need to love one another and mentor with any person in need, especially a person with child.
If people realized the apple does not fall far from the tree... if you are looking at this apple and find fault, you need to look at the generation before them and if you don't like it, move further back another generation... keep moving back and see the pattern. Bottom line, we aren't ending a cycle, with adopting infants, it is just creating more problems of conditional love and independent thinking, dissecting families as if born to another. AND honestly, I don't care to be sealed on the church records to all of my made up genealogy chart that has messed up a role call that was most likely made up in Adam and Eve time to remember everyone and to not leave anyone behind. The way Mormons have taken this adoption to a whole new level does not interest me.
Lets learn from our ancestors and honor them by preserving our families and loving one another unconditionally, with acceptance and forgiveness in our hearts, no coveting what others have and reaching out offering our love, service and acceptance to all that come into our space, without fear or expectations, just love... after all, ITS ALL YOU NEED! I love John Lennon!!!!
Monday, December 26, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
My Connection to Jesus
I haven't wrote for a long time and feel a need.
My son Dallen struck up a conversation about his older brother Kai, (a full blooded brother lost to adoption)... He says, "Looks like Kai's curse to himself is playing out."
I say, "What do you mean?"
He replies, "Kai had said 'I wish God would quit blessing me so much, I have been slacking on my religious duties'."
"Oh wow! Dallen, you see wisdom."
... Let me fill you all in on what has transpired and share how I have connected so many things this last week.
This holiday season, we are broker than broke. As a mother, friend, relation to anyone who loves gifting to all, I have been blessed with aha's and wisdom as an outcome of our despair.
In the shower, I can't help but to connect the dots to the order of events that has transpired...
Out of my desperateness to gift to all, writing love letters to family and friends, I think I am about finished when I realize I have left two people out... Kai, my oldest son whom I lost to adoption, and his new wife Ami... I write to my son, explaining my failure to acknowledge him and to forget about the two of them, continuing on to say ...
... Yep, I do try that hard to shut you out of my space but then I will get this feeling like something is missing and the memory of you floods in with the familiar ache.
I'm sorry I am incapable of being what you want me to be. I'm all or none. Maybe one day you may understand the power of a mother's love that starts in the womb. Until then, I have to distance myself.
Enjoy your holiday season.
Love your mother, yep, your mother
... and then signed it Keri
Well, let me tell you what I have just heard through the grapevine... Kai and his new wife were on a cruise just barely... they were off on an excursion and didn't make it back to the ship and missed their ride off of the island, of Mexico. Wow, I couldn't help but to connect the dots of my letter to what has just happened... me forgetting to send my love to those two and the explanation of distancing myself... I can't help but to see the similarity of me forgetting about them as the cruise ship is forgetting about them simultaneously... Dallen and I just sat and connected the dots of how we were holding Kai in our hearts and prayers that he would join this family a hundred percent and we're sick of the ache when Kai consistently chooses not to be... so basically after our wishes and prayers, we had recently cut the chords and surrendered for it to be whatever it is meant to be... and look how his world has turned upside down with our lack of love (the most powerful energy of all) that we were sending constantly.
I continued my thoughts getting ready in the shower, optimistic of how this neglected relationship we have with our son/brother is going to turn out... As I am connecting the dots to that, I am reminiscing about all my new found knowledge studying the people of the Bible. This interest of me studying the Bible came about out of my own new found knowledge of my own immediate ancestry...
When my grandparents died, my mother gave me all their journals and photos that they had... I cherished this, and dove right in; reading my grandparents hand written journals and typed memories that take you on a journey of their lives that you can totally relate to. It brought me such compassion for my ancestors not only better understanding them, but better understanding my own self... understanding why I am walking the shoes I am walking... leaving me excited to not only heal me but to heal my ancestors and my posterity by me learning from not only my experiences but theirs.
This understanding of my own ancestry, the pattern of cycles repeating themselves for better understanding to find a better way of doing things and bringing a compassion into my space by being able to relate to them by knowing the madness or dysfunction of their situation and ancestors before them, seriously got me excited to learn more history as a whole and magically, books about Jesus kept coming into my space in all sorts of ways. I dove right in and started studying and learning about Jesus and his ancestors. I have connected so many dots that resonate with me on the theory that everything cycles through full circle to gain full knowledge... To know up, you need to know down.
Being a mother of loss, I connected hugely to many stories and scenarios from the Bible mostly to the stories surrounding other mothers of loss such as Jochebed (Moses' mother, who out of desperation from the Pharaoh's command... because of his fear of the Hebrew slaves {a lesser class, more poverty types} overpowering the Egyptian empire {a more affluential society and group of people} and outnumbering them, ordered all males under two be killed... she made a basket and sent Moses on his way in the Nile to spare his life which ultimately was an act that delivered their people out of bondage); Mother Mary ( a young virgin mother, who I am sure was questioned of her virgin miraculous conception and judged); and all of those other young mother's (just to name one; Hagar, Sarah's maiden) who were ordered by an infertile boss (Sarah, Abraham's wife) or shall I just say an older more affluential woman who had a husband to take care of her... to sleep with her (Sarah) husband to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and importance, being allowed to own your (Hagar) child with her (Sarah) husband regarding you as a petty servant (Hagar) who was in service to her (Sarah) until your service is no longer needed... and as with Sarah, when she was blessed with a child of her own (at 89 or 90) and no longer needed Hagar or her child to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and survival, kicked Hagar out of the concubine with her son to fend for themselves... remember no welfare or jobs for women back then, most woman had no other choice than to serve as a prostitute desperate to be owned by any man to survive...
Well... let me tell you, I am a mother of loss who has always connected with mother Mary, the 15 year old virgin mother of Jesus, a mother from royalty... being that I myself was one month shy of turning 16 when I lost my virginity and become pregnant the very first time (as was the case in many biblical stories with those young maidens) and I came from an affluential family myself... but instead of keeping my baby and watching my son be sacrificed as a man like Mother Mary, I sacrificed my son at birth. My first born son's birthday is December 23rd, two days before Christmas.
I have taken my loss; my feelings of sorrow, grief, anger just to name a few... and I have taken the interest to get to know Mother Mary, her mother Anna, and Jesus with extreme interest after finding the connection of my own ancestors; my great grandmother, whose father had died, on my mother's side was left in an orphanage at 1 with her siblings for 13 years until her mother was able to come get them again after finding a husband that would have her and having a grandmother who lost a son to adoption who is my father... My interest in Anna, Mary and Jesus as well as their ancestors were personal when I could connect that not only have I traveled a very similar road as them, my relationship with my second born son (first raised) is very similar to the relationship of Mother Mary and Jesus. My discovery has opened my eyes to so much, I am shocking people with my new belief that Jesus did not die on the cross.
For you see people, we were not ready for that interpretation. Remember, back in those days, the mentality was totally an eye for an eye... "Oops sorry I bumped into you" ... "Oh here, let me shove you back and we will be good"... In order to save mankind, this mentality needed to stop because after all, the main message, lesson, we were meant to learn while down on earth is the importance of family and to gain full knowledge to become creators our selves. So Jesus had to come set an example and be crucified and teach God's word of being the God of mercy. The old translation of Jesus being resurrected from the dead is what those people of the ignorant masses of those times needed to believe... after finding out how evil men of ancient times were and how wrong men have always treated women, even the "good" men, like Abraham, who out of his own fear that the more powerful male would harm him to competing for his beautiful wife Sarah so he lied and say, "Here have my sister for your concubine", twice... These ignorant men that did not like the respect Jesus gave woman and even in today's dictionary, magdalen means a reformed prostitute, when in all actuality, the disciples were jealous and did not understand the respect Jesus gave Mary of Magdala and did not like that she got most of His attention because she understood His Word... They needed to first understand that there is life after death so we better make good choices and try to be as good as we can be.
Now a days, well, never with me... I never understood that eye for an eye mentality. So when I learned that one of the translations is that Jesus did not die and the Atonement is about walking the walk of forgiveness, everything is making so much more sense and along with that wisdom rolling I am connecting the madness of cycles completing full circle; to gain full knowledge to becoming creators ourselves. I can see the pattern of how ancestral behavior is balancing our returning with full knowledge from knowing the down, in and out of it.
My new found knowledge totally validates this is the times to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND 'ADOPT' THE MOTHER. Sarah of biblical days should have "adopted" Hagar and loved her child as a grandmother loves a child, loving one another 'adopting' the mother.
I am so grateful for history and my understanding of it. We are people of full knowledge, we are the creators of this life we have created for ourselves, believe it or not. When I see life in this perspective I yearn to love and serve others. I see mothers in need, a need for ALL to learn from the past.
BUT ... mostly right now, I see the power of love and what manifests out of fear and desire and see how I for one desire a better future and am now a true believer of what the meaning of the Atonement to save our souls means with this new perspective and can for once, appreciate the story of Mother Mary and Jesus and how much it now means to me.
Now how do I connect all this with my present circumstance, you ask...
Well, knowing Jesus and all those other powerful, beautiful mothers of old, bringing them and their stories into my space, I am comforted with the knowledge to have faith, we always get what we desire or fear, so get fear out of my space, let my desires be known, then surrendering to God's will, be patient, serve and love others, it will soon come around.
With that said, I look forward to Kai becoming a 100% our family.
My son Dallen struck up a conversation about his older brother Kai, (a full blooded brother lost to adoption)... He says, "Looks like Kai's curse to himself is playing out."
I say, "What do you mean?"
He replies, "Kai had said 'I wish God would quit blessing me so much, I have been slacking on my religious duties'."
"Oh wow! Dallen, you see wisdom."
... Let me fill you all in on what has transpired and share how I have connected so many things this last week.
This holiday season, we are broker than broke. As a mother, friend, relation to anyone who loves gifting to all, I have been blessed with aha's and wisdom as an outcome of our despair.
In the shower, I can't help but to connect the dots to the order of events that has transpired...
Out of my desperateness to gift to all, writing love letters to family and friends, I think I am about finished when I realize I have left two people out... Kai, my oldest son whom I lost to adoption, and his new wife Ami... I write to my son, explaining my failure to acknowledge him and to forget about the two of them, continuing on to say ...
... Yep, I do try that hard to shut you out of my space but then I will get this feeling like something is missing and the memory of you floods in with the familiar ache.
I'm sorry I am incapable of being what you want me to be. I'm all or none. Maybe one day you may understand the power of a mother's love that starts in the womb. Until then, I have to distance myself.
Enjoy your holiday season.
Love your mother, yep, your mother
... and then signed it Keri
Well, let me tell you what I have just heard through the grapevine... Kai and his new wife were on a cruise just barely... they were off on an excursion and didn't make it back to the ship and missed their ride off of the island, of Mexico. Wow, I couldn't help but to connect the dots of my letter to what has just happened... me forgetting to send my love to those two and the explanation of distancing myself... I can't help but to see the similarity of me forgetting about them as the cruise ship is forgetting about them simultaneously... Dallen and I just sat and connected the dots of how we were holding Kai in our hearts and prayers that he would join this family a hundred percent and we're sick of the ache when Kai consistently chooses not to be... so basically after our wishes and prayers, we had recently cut the chords and surrendered for it to be whatever it is meant to be... and look how his world has turned upside down with our lack of love (the most powerful energy of all) that we were sending constantly.
I continued my thoughts getting ready in the shower, optimistic of how this neglected relationship we have with our son/brother is going to turn out... As I am connecting the dots to that, I am reminiscing about all my new found knowledge studying the people of the Bible. This interest of me studying the Bible came about out of my own new found knowledge of my own immediate ancestry...
When my grandparents died, my mother gave me all their journals and photos that they had... I cherished this, and dove right in; reading my grandparents hand written journals and typed memories that take you on a journey of their lives that you can totally relate to. It brought me such compassion for my ancestors not only better understanding them, but better understanding my own self... understanding why I am walking the shoes I am walking... leaving me excited to not only heal me but to heal my ancestors and my posterity by me learning from not only my experiences but theirs.
This understanding of my own ancestry, the pattern of cycles repeating themselves for better understanding to find a better way of doing things and bringing a compassion into my space by being able to relate to them by knowing the madness or dysfunction of their situation and ancestors before them, seriously got me excited to learn more history as a whole and magically, books about Jesus kept coming into my space in all sorts of ways. I dove right in and started studying and learning about Jesus and his ancestors. I have connected so many dots that resonate with me on the theory that everything cycles through full circle to gain full knowledge... To know up, you need to know down.
Being a mother of loss, I connected hugely to many stories and scenarios from the Bible mostly to the stories surrounding other mothers of loss such as Jochebed (Moses' mother, who out of desperation from the Pharaoh's command... because of his fear of the Hebrew slaves {a lesser class, more poverty types} overpowering the Egyptian empire {a more affluential society and group of people} and outnumbering them, ordered all males under two be killed... she made a basket and sent Moses on his way in the Nile to spare his life which ultimately was an act that delivered their people out of bondage); Mother Mary ( a young virgin mother, who I am sure was questioned of her virgin miraculous conception and judged); and all of those other young mother's (just to name one; Hagar, Sarah's maiden) who were ordered by an infertile boss (Sarah, Abraham's wife) or shall I just say an older more affluential woman who had a husband to take care of her... to sleep with her (Sarah) husband to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and importance, being allowed to own your (Hagar) child with her (Sarah) husband regarding you as a petty servant (Hagar) who was in service to her (Sarah) until your service is no longer needed... and as with Sarah, when she was blessed with a child of her own (at 89 or 90) and no longer needed Hagar or her child to guarantee her (Sarah) financial support and survival, kicked Hagar out of the concubine with her son to fend for themselves... remember no welfare or jobs for women back then, most woman had no other choice than to serve as a prostitute desperate to be owned by any man to survive...
Well... let me tell you, I am a mother of loss who has always connected with mother Mary, the 15 year old virgin mother of Jesus, a mother from royalty... being that I myself was one month shy of turning 16 when I lost my virginity and become pregnant the very first time (as was the case in many biblical stories with those young maidens) and I came from an affluential family myself... but instead of keeping my baby and watching my son be sacrificed as a man like Mother Mary, I sacrificed my son at birth. My first born son's birthday is December 23rd, two days before Christmas.
I have taken my loss; my feelings of sorrow, grief, anger just to name a few... and I have taken the interest to get to know Mother Mary, her mother Anna, and Jesus with extreme interest after finding the connection of my own ancestors; my great grandmother, whose father had died, on my mother's side was left in an orphanage at 1 with her siblings for 13 years until her mother was able to come get them again after finding a husband that would have her and having a grandmother who lost a son to adoption who is my father... My interest in Anna, Mary and Jesus as well as their ancestors were personal when I could connect that not only have I traveled a very similar road as them, my relationship with my second born son (first raised) is very similar to the relationship of Mother Mary and Jesus. My discovery has opened my eyes to so much, I am shocking people with my new belief that Jesus did not die on the cross.
For you see people, we were not ready for that interpretation. Remember, back in those days, the mentality was totally an eye for an eye... "Oops sorry I bumped into you" ... "Oh here, let me shove you back and we will be good"... In order to save mankind, this mentality needed to stop because after all, the main message, lesson, we were meant to learn while down on earth is the importance of family and to gain full knowledge to become creators our selves. So Jesus had to come set an example and be crucified and teach God's word of being the God of mercy. The old translation of Jesus being resurrected from the dead is what those people of the ignorant masses of those times needed to believe... after finding out how evil men of ancient times were and how wrong men have always treated women, even the "good" men, like Abraham, who out of his own fear that the more powerful male would harm him to competing for his beautiful wife Sarah so he lied and say, "Here have my sister for your concubine", twice... These ignorant men that did not like the respect Jesus gave woman and even in today's dictionary, magdalen means a reformed prostitute, when in all actuality, the disciples were jealous and did not understand the respect Jesus gave Mary of Magdala and did not like that she got most of His attention because she understood His Word... They needed to first understand that there is life after death so we better make good choices and try to be as good as we can be.
Now a days, well, never with me... I never understood that eye for an eye mentality. So when I learned that one of the translations is that Jesus did not die and the Atonement is about walking the walk of forgiveness, everything is making so much more sense and along with that wisdom rolling I am connecting the madness of cycles completing full circle; to gain full knowledge to becoming creators ourselves. I can see the pattern of how ancestral behavior is balancing our returning with full knowledge from knowing the down, in and out of it.
My new found knowledge totally validates this is the times to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND 'ADOPT' THE MOTHER. Sarah of biblical days should have "adopted" Hagar and loved her child as a grandmother loves a child, loving one another 'adopting' the mother.
I am so grateful for history and my understanding of it. We are people of full knowledge, we are the creators of this life we have created for ourselves, believe it or not. When I see life in this perspective I yearn to love and serve others. I see mothers in need, a need for ALL to learn from the past.
BUT ... mostly right now, I see the power of love and what manifests out of fear and desire and see how I for one desire a better future and am now a true believer of what the meaning of the Atonement to save our souls means with this new perspective and can for once, appreciate the story of Mother Mary and Jesus and how much it now means to me.
Now how do I connect all this with my present circumstance, you ask...
Well, knowing Jesus and all those other powerful, beautiful mothers of old, bringing them and their stories into my space, I am comforted with the knowledge to have faith, we always get what we desire or fear, so get fear out of my space, let my desires be known, then surrendering to God's will, be patient, serve and love others, it will soon come around.
With that said, I look forward to Kai becoming a 100% our family.
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
Aspects and Perspectives
I was getting ready this morning w/iPod on shuffle like I love to do… The song “Short People” by Paul Newman comes on and my husband Steve starts chuckling and says “I remember this song! ... I think it was on Captain Kangaroo sung by a short person! ... Funny!!! I always knew I would be tall.” He says all confidently.
I get excited being able to share and explain my newfound knowledge to him… “Well, what a great creator you are! You created you being the tallest in your family.” Thinking inside, of course he would want to be the biggest, tallest loudest human in his family. His perspective from 0-5 years of age is being developed just as everyone else’s at that age and from Steve’s perspective he needed to create someone who would be noticed, seen and heard.
I proceeded to explain to Steve what I have just learned from Gary & Elizabeth… some very educated intuitive good friends of mine, whom you can find at The Cosmic Spiral on 9th and 9th… When a newborn is born they have full use of their whole brain… the brain has full knowledge/some may say that there is no veil… but they are in this physical body that is completely helpless; they can’t walk, talk, or even feed themselves let alone clean themselves… The brain takes the first five years of this body’s life creating aspects and perspectives to actually create what and who WE are!
For example… when I had my first born son, (whom I lost to adoption), I kept him in my hospital room every second for the two days I had him. My mother was the one to give him his first bath; I had passed out from too much blood loss but by the next day I was conscious and requested him to be by my side constantly until the day came that I couldn’t.
Knowing this information about the brain and realizing this helpless infant is creating which 23 chromosomes from the father’s DNA it is going to develop and which of the 23 chromosomes from the mother’s DNA is it going to develop, ultimately creating who they will be by using this ingenious brain developing its aspects and perspectives creating us to be just who we need to be... makes you really analyze the events from the birth of a child, what events happen in that child’s first five years and how they all have contributed to who he (along with all of us) became.
For the first 72 hours of my son’s life the first face he saw was mine and my mother’s; my mother giving him his first bath. My son was able to experience his every helpless need being met by me and my mother. I also had some aunts from my mother’s side come for a visit. Even my daddy Randy had made the trip from California to hold his first grandson. These people were the few selected, along with my sister, to say hello just to send love and say goodbye.
My point being… My helpless baby boy was gathering his perspectives and aspects of this loving scene that was as reverent as a funeral. Being December 23-25, I could not ignore the similarity to the Virgin Mary giving birth to her baby Jesus with a sacrifice in mind for the world… My numb, blank, calm, in shock, walls up, guarded feelings assisted me to act in dignity to do what I was told was best… sacrifice my first born son to strangers… I now have witnessed firsthand how those brief 72 hours has created a son who looks so much like me with strong dark features like my daddy Randy along with strong features from my mother’s side of the family.
Imagine being my son for a moment… 72 hours later, he is put in a nursery, taken away from that beautiful woman with blonde hair and blue/green eyes; that woman that was always smiling with strong love into his eyes, meeting all his needs, making his first moments on this earth an easier transition … you know, his mother, me.
He opens his eyes; she is gone… he cries because his needs need to be met… some stranger comes and meets his needs; but where is that lady that was so familiar and comfortable for me, the lady with the familiar voice and smell? … So many unfamiliarity’s… all of a sudden at once… until finally this new lady is looking all lovingly into his eyes, but he is still looking for that first lady with the blonde hair and blue/green eyes where he felt so much peace and love reverently, never crying (even down to not being circumcised, lol… there was no pain he experienced, while in my care).
This new lady is feeling rejection from the baby who wants that first lady. This
baby with this full knowledge and function of its brain, inside of this helpless physical body who can’t walk, talk, or even feed itself let alone clean itself; struggles to get to that first lady… have you ever taken a bottle away from a hungry baby and have seen the raging fit?
I have witnessed this firsthand how the rejection from this beautiful newborn, that any mother could love, feels… Remember, I have a bonus daughter and I have experienced such rejection when she would come over to visit; dropped off by her mother as a newborn. When my bonus daughter got to missing that beautiful first lady, her mommy, I always respected her cries and rage; calling her mother immediately letting her know that her baby misses her and we need to get her back to her asap.
I understood and respected the raging screaming fit, subconsciously knowing that is what my baby had to have done upon my relinquishment and replacement. I have since then witnessed many adoptive mothers be challenged with the rejection of their newly adopted baby; taking it personal that the baby rejects them but accepts the new father clinging to him while keeping an eye out for that first lady that is not coming back.
From then on, my son’s perspective and aspects of how to get his needs met and create who he is by what he has been exposed to and figuring out on his own with that full knowledge slowing shutting down/veil thickening; gaining more and more physical control of his body as well as accumulating emotional upset that is inevitably manifesting, creating exactly who he is in this first five years of his life.
My son, created himself; just as we all have created our own selves; being the creators that we are… just like Steve creating the tall silverback that he is.
After I get done having this wonderful deep insightful conversation with my husband following me absorbing every word ~ getting it… I notice the song that has been playing, “Touched by the Hand of God” by New Order… for me, that was the icing on the cake; confirming to me that I get it.
I get excited being able to share and explain my newfound knowledge to him… “Well, what a great creator you are! You created you being the tallest in your family.” Thinking inside, of course he would want to be the biggest, tallest loudest human in his family. His perspective from 0-5 years of age is being developed just as everyone else’s at that age and from Steve’s perspective he needed to create someone who would be noticed, seen and heard.
I proceeded to explain to Steve what I have just learned from Gary & Elizabeth… some very educated intuitive good friends of mine, whom you can find at The Cosmic Spiral on 9th and 9th… When a newborn is born they have full use of their whole brain… the brain has full knowledge/some may say that there is no veil… but they are in this physical body that is completely helpless; they can’t walk, talk, or even feed themselves let alone clean themselves… The brain takes the first five years of this body’s life creating aspects and perspectives to actually create what and who WE are!
For example… when I had my first born son, (whom I lost to adoption), I kept him in my hospital room every second for the two days I had him. My mother was the one to give him his first bath; I had passed out from too much blood loss but by the next day I was conscious and requested him to be by my side constantly until the day came that I couldn’t.
Knowing this information about the brain and realizing this helpless infant is creating which 23 chromosomes from the father’s DNA it is going to develop and which of the 23 chromosomes from the mother’s DNA is it going to develop, ultimately creating who they will be by using this ingenious brain developing its aspects and perspectives creating us to be just who we need to be... makes you really analyze the events from the birth of a child, what events happen in that child’s first five years and how they all have contributed to who he (along with all of us) became.
For the first 72 hours of my son’s life the first face he saw was mine and my mother’s; my mother giving him his first bath. My son was able to experience his every helpless need being met by me and my mother. I also had some aunts from my mother’s side come for a visit. Even my daddy Randy had made the trip from California to hold his first grandson. These people were the few selected, along with my sister, to say hello just to send love and say goodbye.
My point being… My helpless baby boy was gathering his perspectives and aspects of this loving scene that was as reverent as a funeral. Being December 23-25, I could not ignore the similarity to the Virgin Mary giving birth to her baby Jesus with a sacrifice in mind for the world… My numb, blank, calm, in shock, walls up, guarded feelings assisted me to act in dignity to do what I was told was best… sacrifice my first born son to strangers… I now have witnessed firsthand how those brief 72 hours has created a son who looks so much like me with strong dark features like my daddy Randy along with strong features from my mother’s side of the family.
Imagine being my son for a moment… 72 hours later, he is put in a nursery, taken away from that beautiful woman with blonde hair and blue/green eyes; that woman that was always smiling with strong love into his eyes, meeting all his needs, making his first moments on this earth an easier transition … you know, his mother, me.
He opens his eyes; she is gone… he cries because his needs need to be met… some stranger comes and meets his needs; but where is that lady that was so familiar and comfortable for me, the lady with the familiar voice and smell? … So many unfamiliarity’s… all of a sudden at once… until finally this new lady is looking all lovingly into his eyes, but he is still looking for that first lady with the blonde hair and blue/green eyes where he felt so much peace and love reverently, never crying (even down to not being circumcised, lol… there was no pain he experienced, while in my care).
This new lady is feeling rejection from the baby who wants that first lady. This
baby with this full knowledge and function of its brain, inside of this helpless physical body who can’t walk, talk, or even feed itself let alone clean itself; struggles to get to that first lady… have you ever taken a bottle away from a hungry baby and have seen the raging fit?
I have witnessed this firsthand how the rejection from this beautiful newborn, that any mother could love, feels… Remember, I have a bonus daughter and I have experienced such rejection when she would come over to visit; dropped off by her mother as a newborn. When my bonus daughter got to missing that beautiful first lady, her mommy, I always respected her cries and rage; calling her mother immediately letting her know that her baby misses her and we need to get her back to her asap.
I understood and respected the raging screaming fit, subconsciously knowing that is what my baby had to have done upon my relinquishment and replacement. I have since then witnessed many adoptive mothers be challenged with the rejection of their newly adopted baby; taking it personal that the baby rejects them but accepts the new father clinging to him while keeping an eye out for that first lady that is not coming back.
From then on, my son’s perspective and aspects of how to get his needs met and create who he is by what he has been exposed to and figuring out on his own with that full knowledge slowing shutting down/veil thickening; gaining more and more physical control of his body as well as accumulating emotional upset that is inevitably manifesting, creating exactly who he is in this first five years of his life.
My son, created himself; just as we all have created our own selves; being the creators that we are… just like Steve creating the tall silverback that he is.
After I get done having this wonderful deep insightful conversation with my husband following me absorbing every word ~ getting it… I notice the song that has been playing, “Touched by the Hand of God” by New Order… for me, that was the icing on the cake; confirming to me that I get it.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Riding the Currents
I love how the universe orchestrates this thing we call "Life".
It never ceases to amaze me how divine everything is; how perfectly placed people are presented in our space.
My son Dallen is back at his old school... I have to share the divine day we had. But let me first update you a little on my son's school situation.
Dallen had gone to Butler Jr. last year and had too good of a time for the Vice Principal, (Mr. Graham). Graham denied his return as a guest for another year, we are not in the boundary. Dallen was registered for the boundary school, Albion; went the first day, and hated it. He was once again, the new kid.
I had scheduled an appointment with our dear holistic angel doctor, Crystal, to have a "counseling" session with Dallen to help him shift energy to handle being the new kid at school. Dallen had been arguing all day that he did not want to go, insisting to see his dear ole Vice Principal, Mr. Graham; to convince Graham to allow him back to Butler.
I deny his request and tell him, "Mr. Graham had said he has had enough, that is not an option."
I continued on with my day, picking up my daughter from a friend's house.
Heading home to pick up Dallen for Mrs. Crystal, the belt in my 67 Mustang broke two minutes from my house, causing me to lose steering. I call a tow truck and inform Dallen, "You powerful man, I guess we will not be seeing Mrs. Crystal and we will plan on seeing Mr. Graham bright and early."... I have mastered going with the flow of the Universe and obviously that is the direction the current is taking us.
We wake up bright and early and head to Mr. Graham's office asking for a second chance. With much hesitation and Dallen's reassurance that he has learned his lesson, Graham approved.
The rest of the day fell perfectly in place. We go over to Albion to get checked out of their school and they say hang on, "Let us dig through the money box and find your check for registration and just return it to you." They open the cash box and my check is sitting on the very top of the stack.
We head over to Butler and the first person we see is Sione, a childhood friend of Dallens since they were four. Sione says, "Dallen, you Back?" and sticks out his hand for a shake.
Dallen knocks the hand away and they hug.
We sit in the counseling center filling out his class desires and another pal, Santiago, walks in, "Dallen, what you doing here?"
I offer, "He missed ya!"
We continue to meet with the counselor to get his schedule, she pulls his name up and he already has a schedule put together from last year paperwork. "That is bizarre" she comments.
We head to the Main Office to pay dues and lo and behold, there is Derek; one of Dallen's competitive Basketball league pals. We had heard Albion was trying to get him and had been wondering if Derek would be at Butler. I Joyfully show Derek my excitement to see him here, "We were wondering if you were here! Yay, you and Dallen will be able to play ball together!"
We pay the dues and Mr. Graham walks by, calls Dallen and says to him, "Dallen, come here, I am about to let you do something and it is the only time that you can do it and you will not get arrested."
"Sounds fun!" I exclaim as we follow Mr. Graham. I get excited, not thinking about the fire drill they had already scheduled to happen, just at this moment.
Graham walks Dallen over to the fire alarm and orders Dallen to pull.
Dallen hesitantly, with a smile on his face, sheepishly asks, "Really?"
It was like an announcement that Dallen Kale' Stone is back misbehaving and BEHAVING.
The alarm was so ear piercing, I could not hold still for the pic.
We head out the front doors and one of the first students to head out of the school behind us is his cousin, Saidee, questioning in her sing song voice, "Dali, are you back?"
I love the true balance of life. A thing to be mastered. When mastered, this thing called life gets easier and easier.
I love all the earth angels here to guide us and hold our hand while learning our lessons throughout our days. Thank you for holding Dallen's his first day back. How nice and "coincidental" it was to have a dear friend of his at every turn on top of everything running so smoothly. That is how you know you are making the right choices in life.
May we all glide smooth through the currents and learn our lessons quick.
It never ceases to amaze me how divine everything is; how perfectly placed people are presented in our space.
My son Dallen is back at his old school... I have to share the divine day we had. But let me first update you a little on my son's school situation.
Dallen had gone to Butler Jr. last year and had too good of a time for the Vice Principal, (Mr. Graham). Graham denied his return as a guest for another year, we are not in the boundary. Dallen was registered for the boundary school, Albion; went the first day, and hated it. He was once again, the new kid.
I had scheduled an appointment with our dear holistic angel doctor, Crystal, to have a "counseling" session with Dallen to help him shift energy to handle being the new kid at school. Dallen had been arguing all day that he did not want to go, insisting to see his dear ole Vice Principal, Mr. Graham; to convince Graham to allow him back to Butler.
I deny his request and tell him, "Mr. Graham had said he has had enough, that is not an option."
I continued on with my day, picking up my daughter from a friend's house.
Heading home to pick up Dallen for Mrs. Crystal, the belt in my 67 Mustang broke two minutes from my house, causing me to lose steering. I call a tow truck and inform Dallen, "You powerful man, I guess we will not be seeing Mrs. Crystal and we will plan on seeing Mr. Graham bright and early."... I have mastered going with the flow of the Universe and obviously that is the direction the current is taking us.
We wake up bright and early and head to Mr. Graham's office asking for a second chance. With much hesitation and Dallen's reassurance that he has learned his lesson, Graham approved.
The rest of the day fell perfectly in place. We go over to Albion to get checked out of their school and they say hang on, "Let us dig through the money box and find your check for registration and just return it to you." They open the cash box and my check is sitting on the very top of the stack.
We head over to Butler and the first person we see is Sione, a childhood friend of Dallens since they were four. Sione says, "Dallen, you Back?" and sticks out his hand for a shake.
Dallen knocks the hand away and they hug.
We sit in the counseling center filling out his class desires and another pal, Santiago, walks in, "Dallen, what you doing here?"
I offer, "He missed ya!"
We continue to meet with the counselor to get his schedule, she pulls his name up and he already has a schedule put together from last year paperwork. "That is bizarre" she comments.
We head to the Main Office to pay dues and lo and behold, there is Derek; one of Dallen's competitive Basketball league pals. We had heard Albion was trying to get him and had been wondering if Derek would be at Butler. I Joyfully show Derek my excitement to see him here, "We were wondering if you were here! Yay, you and Dallen will be able to play ball together!"
We pay the dues and Mr. Graham walks by, calls Dallen and says to him, "Dallen, come here, I am about to let you do something and it is the only time that you can do it and you will not get arrested."
"Sounds fun!" I exclaim as we follow Mr. Graham. I get excited, not thinking about the fire drill they had already scheduled to happen, just at this moment.
Graham walks Dallen over to the fire alarm and orders Dallen to pull.
Dallen hesitantly, with a smile on his face, sheepishly asks, "Really?"
It was like an announcement that Dallen Kale' Stone is back misbehaving and BEHAVING.
The alarm was so ear piercing, I could not hold still for the pic.
We head out the front doors and one of the first students to head out of the school behind us is his cousin, Saidee, questioning in her sing song voice, "Dali, are you back?"
I love the true balance of life. A thing to be mastered. When mastered, this thing called life gets easier and easier.
I love all the earth angels here to guide us and hold our hand while learning our lessons throughout our days. Thank you for holding Dallen's his first day back. How nice and "coincidental" it was to have a dear friend of his at every turn on top of everything running so smoothly. That is how you know you are making the right choices in life.
May we all glide smooth through the currents and learn our lessons quick.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Let us all be REAL
Folks, I saw two movies in one day!
It was my husband's birthday on Saturday. We honored my husband's birthday on the 26th instead of the 25th this year. For you see, through numerology, we have discovered that the passport place was correct that his parents had remembered his day of birth wrong.
My husband has always loved going to movies. I on the other hand have a little problem called ADHD, so I don't like to frequent movies as much as he. Since it was his birthday, I let him dictate the day. We slowly woke and went to the theater to see "The Rise of The Planet of the Apes" I'm not even sure if that is the title, but I am a huge Planet of the Apes fan! I remember the black and white then color TV episodes. Loved it!
WOW WOW WOW!!! I cannot rant and rave enough about this movie!!! Of course that is how it all started!!! How did we not all already know!!! Right!
And the preview for it ...TIME... OMG!!! Cannot wait!!!
Movies are getting SOOOO good and so true to reality. It seems all the great shows have the theme of adoption in them. Afterall, 70% of the population is affected by it.
I don't want to spoil it, but you all must go see!!!
Ceasar has identity issues and because of his intelligence he is able to rise above it (accept it), find his identity (heritage) and help his kind (species of origin) rise above for a better life together as one.
After this amazing movie that I truly want to see again IN the movie theater; we came home and I cleaned the house until around six, husband thought another movie sounded good. This time we went to see "Idiot Brother"... Loved it! Steve was getting frustrated with the brother that kept being too honest for his own good. A trait I have that gets me into trouble many times as well. Our problem? We are so REAL, you ask us a question and we tell you our truth; we believe in everyone; we see people at their highest potential of who they can be; we trust everyone... we are incapable of lying.
Movie was great, the sisters get so annoyed with their "Idiot" brother for innocently speaking truth and being incapable of cover ups, making them own their own truth and facing their reality, owning it, accepting it... until at the end, (when he had to go back to the slammer for saying too much and being REAL with his probation officer that he had mistaken as a sincere person that cares) his sisters who at first were so annoyed with him for innocently making them face their truth; bailed him out because they realized his honest integris self is a great way to be.
TO BE REAL with oneself, owning your truth, facing the reality, owning it, accepting it and loving it... IS TO BE LOVING YOU.
It was my husband's birthday on Saturday. We honored my husband's birthday on the 26th instead of the 25th this year. For you see, through numerology, we have discovered that the passport place was correct that his parents had remembered his day of birth wrong.
My husband has always loved going to movies. I on the other hand have a little problem called ADHD, so I don't like to frequent movies as much as he. Since it was his birthday, I let him dictate the day. We slowly woke and went to the theater to see "The Rise of The Planet of the Apes" I'm not even sure if that is the title, but I am a huge Planet of the Apes fan! I remember the black and white then color TV episodes. Loved it!
WOW WOW WOW!!! I cannot rant and rave enough about this movie!!! Of course that is how it all started!!! How did we not all already know!!! Right!
And the preview for it ...TIME... OMG!!! Cannot wait!!!
Movies are getting SOOOO good and so true to reality. It seems all the great shows have the theme of adoption in them. Afterall, 70% of the population is affected by it.
I don't want to spoil it, but you all must go see!!!
Ceasar has identity issues and because of his intelligence he is able to rise above it (accept it), find his identity (heritage) and help his kind (species of origin) rise above for a better life together as one.
After this amazing movie that I truly want to see again IN the movie theater; we came home and I cleaned the house until around six, husband thought another movie sounded good. This time we went to see "Idiot Brother"... Loved it! Steve was getting frustrated with the brother that kept being too honest for his own good. A trait I have that gets me into trouble many times as well. Our problem? We are so REAL, you ask us a question and we tell you our truth; we believe in everyone; we see people at their highest potential of who they can be; we trust everyone... we are incapable of lying.
Movie was great, the sisters get so annoyed with their "Idiot" brother for innocently speaking truth and being incapable of cover ups, making them own their own truth and facing their reality, owning it, accepting it... until at the end, (when he had to go back to the slammer for saying too much and being REAL with his probation officer that he had mistaken as a sincere person that cares) his sisters who at first were so annoyed with him for innocently making them face their truth; bailed him out because they realized his honest integris self is a great way to be.
TO BE REAL with oneself, owning your truth, facing the reality, owning it, accepting it and loving it... IS TO BE LOVING YOU.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
"Antwone Fisher"
I just finished watching the story of Antwone Fisher. It is 3:00 a.m. and I can't stop pondering.
It was a great story, I'm sure most of you have all seen it. It's a true story about a man who is in the navy that has quite the temper and is referred to the psychiatrist. During sessions with the psych his story unfolds. Antwone was born in some prison two months after his father was murdered. He then goes into foster care with an abusive preacher family that is quite dysfunctional to say the least and when he got big enough to stand up to the foster preacher mama and not take her beatings anymore, she kicked him out on the street and then he joined the Navy. The psych encourages him to find his real family.
Now here is where my confusion begins. He finds his father's family first and they receive him well. One of the new found family members takes him to met his mother and upon finding out who he is, she leaves the room.
Antwone follows her back into the back living room and is able to tell her how great of a person he is and questions her why she never came for him. The woman was speechless and appeared a bit cold hearted, not giving him eye contact, holding all emotions in, not saying a word.
Antwone kisses her on the cheek and leaves...
Wow! Really?! I am confused at her lack of response. Me being a mother that has lost a child to adoption and has had a moment of rediscovery reuniting with my son when he was 19... I was expecting a little more remorse or excitement or something. But as I remember back upon my initial (very supervised) first meeting with my son... I too was extremely guarded. I too probable lacked showing emotion, but inside I was aching trying to figure what it all meant.
I felt very misplaced. I felt very inadequate. I felt very undeserving. I guess I could say, now looking back on that moment... I felt like a scared 16 year old girl again that was meeting her maker and nervous to see what exactly will my punishment be.
I hate living with the loss that I have suffered. Not knowing was almost easier. I could block it out and pretend it never happened. I had learned to live with the hole in my heart. Just like any other handicap, you learn to get along around it.
The other thing that I cannot stop pondering about. Wow! What a great family Antwone's father had. Now how come they were not notified? How come they were not the first on the list to go to instead of a foster home?
Well, this brings a memory back to me. When I was that 16 year old girl that didn't know what to do. The "professionals" and society kept referring to the daddy as a "sperm donor". Being as naive as I was, I seriously thought strangers were better than the "sperm donor" to help me raise this child.
I went to an adoption conference last October in Utah. Being in Utah, it was a conference promoting adoption, very unlike the healing adoption conference I had just got back from attending in New York with Joe Soll. They had a b!r+# mothers panel of fresh mothers that had just chose to lose their children to adoption, and they kept snickering referring to the daddys as "sperm donor's".
As I sat with my husband of 24 years, you know, that "sperm donor" of my first child... their snickering hit me hard. I remembered having that same mentality. I realized, oh my gosh, that is one of their tactics. Discredit the father as the father he truly is. Yep, back in 1986, I feel for it too.
This movie is a great reminder that there are two parents that make a baby. Laws need to change. It shouldn't be such a battle for a father to get rights to his child. Children need to stay with family. If the father's family is a better family than that is exactly where the child needs to be.
I was so insecure about myself and did not feel I had the love and support that it would take to raise my son. Being 16, I didn't know what it would take to raise my son. Now being older and wiser and knowing what it takes to raise a son... oh my heck!!! All that he needed was my love. And that is exactly why I gave him up. The professionals kept saying, "If you love your baby, you will give him away." WHAT A CROCK!
I loved him so much, I did not trust me or my family to raise him. I loved him so much, I did not trust the daddy or his family to raise him. Heck, I loved him so much, if the "professionals" told me to place him in Australia to live in the outback, I would have! Well, that is exactly what I did, I followed the "professionals" advice, and placed him in Wyoming with strangers!
Well he loves these strangers and they love him. I'm glad they love him and I'm glad he loves them. I would hate to find out that he had an abusive home as many adoptees do.
But I will forever regret, not having one person let me in on a little secret... All that he needed was MY love.
I still love him so much. Our relationship has forever been altered. It will never be what it could have been. I don't think he will ever love me as much as my other two children. It is a sad reality, just as Antwone said in the end, "I'm glad I found her, but if I never see her again, I'm fine." ... Ya something like that... I feel the same from my son, he is glad that he found me, but if he never sees me again, he will be fine. And the horrible thing about the trauma of being separated? I, his own mother, will refuse and reject him, to save me from the horrible truth... he will be just fine without me. (There is so much more to the story, but some other time, lets just say, I will not be called a whore once more by that little bugger!!!)
Don't get me wrong, this isn't all about me... I know... but let's be honest, its hard having such motherly feelings for someone that has feelings for you no more than some ole' lady down the street who may bake him a pie once a year.
It was a great story, I'm sure most of you have all seen it. It's a true story about a man who is in the navy that has quite the temper and is referred to the psychiatrist. During sessions with the psych his story unfolds. Antwone was born in some prison two months after his father was murdered. He then goes into foster care with an abusive preacher family that is quite dysfunctional to say the least and when he got big enough to stand up to the foster preacher mama and not take her beatings anymore, she kicked him out on the street and then he joined the Navy. The psych encourages him to find his real family.
Now here is where my confusion begins. He finds his father's family first and they receive him well. One of the new found family members takes him to met his mother and upon finding out who he is, she leaves the room.
Antwone follows her back into the back living room and is able to tell her how great of a person he is and questions her why she never came for him. The woman was speechless and appeared a bit cold hearted, not giving him eye contact, holding all emotions in, not saying a word.
Antwone kisses her on the cheek and leaves...
Wow! Really?! I am confused at her lack of response. Me being a mother that has lost a child to adoption and has had a moment of rediscovery reuniting with my son when he was 19... I was expecting a little more remorse or excitement or something. But as I remember back upon my initial (very supervised) first meeting with my son... I too was extremely guarded. I too probable lacked showing emotion, but inside I was aching trying to figure what it all meant.
I felt very misplaced. I felt very inadequate. I felt very undeserving. I guess I could say, now looking back on that moment... I felt like a scared 16 year old girl again that was meeting her maker and nervous to see what exactly will my punishment be.
I hate living with the loss that I have suffered. Not knowing was almost easier. I could block it out and pretend it never happened. I had learned to live with the hole in my heart. Just like any other handicap, you learn to get along around it.
The other thing that I cannot stop pondering about. Wow! What a great family Antwone's father had. Now how come they were not notified? How come they were not the first on the list to go to instead of a foster home?
Well, this brings a memory back to me. When I was that 16 year old girl that didn't know what to do. The "professionals" and society kept referring to the daddy as a "sperm donor". Being as naive as I was, I seriously thought strangers were better than the "sperm donor" to help me raise this child.
I went to an adoption conference last October in Utah. Being in Utah, it was a conference promoting adoption, very unlike the healing adoption conference I had just got back from attending in New York with Joe Soll. They had a b!r+# mothers panel of fresh mothers that had just chose to lose their children to adoption, and they kept snickering referring to the daddys as "sperm donor's".
As I sat with my husband of 24 years, you know, that "sperm donor" of my first child... their snickering hit me hard. I remembered having that same mentality. I realized, oh my gosh, that is one of their tactics. Discredit the father as the father he truly is. Yep, back in 1986, I feel for it too.
This movie is a great reminder that there are two parents that make a baby. Laws need to change. It shouldn't be such a battle for a father to get rights to his child. Children need to stay with family. If the father's family is a better family than that is exactly where the child needs to be.
I was so insecure about myself and did not feel I had the love and support that it would take to raise my son. Being 16, I didn't know what it would take to raise my son. Now being older and wiser and knowing what it takes to raise a son... oh my heck!!! All that he needed was my love. And that is exactly why I gave him up. The professionals kept saying, "If you love your baby, you will give him away." WHAT A CROCK!
I loved him so much, I did not trust me or my family to raise him. I loved him so much, I did not trust the daddy or his family to raise him. Heck, I loved him so much, if the "professionals" told me to place him in Australia to live in the outback, I would have! Well, that is exactly what I did, I followed the "professionals" advice, and placed him in Wyoming with strangers!
Well he loves these strangers and they love him. I'm glad they love him and I'm glad he loves them. I would hate to find out that he had an abusive home as many adoptees do.
But I will forever regret, not having one person let me in on a little secret... All that he needed was MY love.
I still love him so much. Our relationship has forever been altered. It will never be what it could have been. I don't think he will ever love me as much as my other two children. It is a sad reality, just as Antwone said in the end, "I'm glad I found her, but if I never see her again, I'm fine." ... Ya something like that... I feel the same from my son, he is glad that he found me, but if he never sees me again, he will be fine. And the horrible thing about the trauma of being separated? I, his own mother, will refuse and reject him, to save me from the horrible truth... he will be just fine without me. (There is so much more to the story, but some other time, lets just say, I will not be called a whore once more by that little bugger!!!)
Don't get me wrong, this isn't all about me... I know... but let's be honest, its hard having such motherly feelings for someone that has feelings for you no more than some ole' lady down the street who may bake him a pie once a year.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
History of Adoption as I know it
Folks, the more you know the history of something, the more you KNOW about something.
What a naive fool I was at 16.
Here is the history of adoption as I now know it. Thank you Rickie Soilinger, for being a history major and feeling a need for woman's rights in reproduction to be known.
In the beginning of time, there was not the word teenager. Back in the day, when a woman started her period, she would find a husband and start her family... Do you all remember Little House on the Prairie?
When we all started to live longer, the marrying age wasn't 12 years old anymore, and they came up with the term "teenager".
Back in these days, slavery was being abolished. It was no longer legal for Americans to buy slaves... BUT if a slave was already owned, and that slave got pregnant and had a baby, the newborn baby was instantly owned by the slave owner. With this mentality, the slave owners started controlling the females reproductively for their gain, more free laborers. Slave owners were raping their women slaves and basically enslaving their own offspring.
Now remember, back then, contraceptives... rubbers, the pill, anything to control fertility... was illegal.
Women had no rights to choose if they wanted to have a child. Back then, you only had sex to have a baby... even being married, if you were not trying to have a baby, it was illegal to have sex. ...
Fornication is what they called it... But how can you prove there has been fornication if you are married. But if you had sex and were not married, YOU WERE FORNICATING!!! And get this, men were not charged with fornication because it was the woman's fault for tempting them and them losing control of their actions.
Can you already see a need for abortion because of lack of contraceptives. Lots of slaves made a GOOD mother decision to abort her unborn child to save their child the life of a slave, to be owned by someone.
Young woman that found themselves pregnant, most likely not from flaunting her stuff... but for just being a victim of a man that lost control of his body... ran away to cities where they could melt into the crowd. They could start over, whether by having an abortion or trying to find ways to provide for her child. Which back then, was near to impossible. Woman did not get paid good wages, but in a city, a woman could control her fertility. ... Ways of contraceptives and access for abortions was easier and more accessible in a city. Quite different than living in a small community where everyone knows you by name and there is only one community doctor... It is said that young white women in the city were far away from their own mothers and from family supervision which lead them to ruin because no one was training them for their natural roles or protecting their virtue.
For you see, back in this day, woman were judged on their chastity. Only the prudest of woman were respected. Back in these days, an unchaste woman was classified the same level/class as slaves... second citizens as were their "bastard" children.
"The mentality in the late 19th century - having lost their chastity, they had lost their womenly identity, and did not have the capacity to be adequate mothers. Only by keeping and learning to mother her infant would this kind of girl redeem her womanhood and her value as a human being. Woman who abandoned their baby (generally because of extreme poverty and desperation or unwed mothers whose babies died were unredeemed failures." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Abortions were rising, especially for white American women, "puritan blood"... society was freaking out, fearing abortions were thinning out the population of the white people.
"Abortion risked the racial future of the United States." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Another thing society feared... babies being raised in poverty, continuing the cycle of poverty. Especially when we have all these affluent women that are having fertility problems or are too prude to fornicate even to try for a baby... okay, now I am just being sarcastic... but you catch my drift. ... JUDGEMENT was going on.
"If a poor mother fulfilled her parental duties properly, in ways approved by self-appointed charity and reform authorities she could be a mother to her child. If she did not met standards-- if she was not married or could not afford to stay home all day -- she had no biological or custody right to keep her child." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
So, in other words... all you mothers out there that are not stay at home mothers, you would be considered unfit mothers and have your babies taken away and given to the rich women that had a husband provide them with the luxury to stay home.
Beginning in the 1920's, more groups started advocating legal contraception.
Folks, it wasn't until 1944 that the male condom was perfected... AND it was not until 1972 that the Supreme Court ruled that unmarried people have the right to contraception.
You figure, before then, such things were seized and destroyed.
"The Comstock Law did enable postal agents to seize huge quantities of contraception-related items. Historian Janet Brodie provides this extraordinary list of Comstock's yield in 1880, giving us some idea of the industriousness of his agents but also a glimpse of what was surely only a tiny fraction of the total amount of materials in circulation that year:"Seized and Destroyed
165 different obscene books
64,094 rubber articles for immoral use
4,185 boxes of pills and powders for abortion
3,421 letters and packages ready for mailing
70,280 opened letters
6,000 names of dealers in obscene materials
901,125 names and addresses of people to whom "smut dealers" sent goods.
Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
We can all thank Margaret Sanger and Mary Ware Dennett, the pioneers of legalizing contraception and legalizing and disseminating "family planning" in the United States!!!
Okay, so time out... what is the big uproar with contraception and controlling our fertility, again???... I know, I had to keep being reminded, we live in such a different world of reality...
"Birth control threatened to undermine the ideology of feminine chastity and was a threat to family life... birth control could simply poison the wellspring of white woman's political agency (her maternal capacity)." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Folks, there is so much history and details that have got us to where we are today, but let's just jump to World War II shall we.
World War II started in 1939 and lasted until 1945.
Remember "A League of Her Own" with Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Madonna and Rosie... just to name a few??? Well, that is just how it was during World War II. The war took the majority of our men. Us women stepped up to the plate and entered the men's world of sports and factories... providing for our families AND taking care of our children just fine without the men around. Us women got a taste of equality!!!
Well the men came home and did not like us liberated women!... And I am sure, us women were not going to give up our liberation that easily.
What to do??? ... "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER" folks. ... Yep, June Cleaver reminded us what the "American Dream" really is.... Remember, we want to be a house wife with two kids and live in a crackerjack neighborhood.
Well, now we have the generation of "The Girls Sent Away", Ann Fessler has written about them... What are the neighbors going to think? Let's pretend it didn't happen and force our daughter to give her baby away so that we can save her class status and save the status of her bastard child that will get adopted by a higher class and they can pretend "AS IF BORN TO".
And there you have it, the starting of secrets and lies. We have come a long way. Awareness is the key! You can imagine my upset finding that I fell for societies judgment over the love for my baby. All a baby needs is the love of his/her mother.
Family preservation folks! In order to really KNOW family preservation, we have to KNOW life without family. Let's not let the generations of old fail to teach us.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER
What a naive fool I was at 16.
Here is the history of adoption as I now know it. Thank you Rickie Soilinger, for being a history major and feeling a need for woman's rights in reproduction to be known.
In the beginning of time, there was not the word teenager. Back in the day, when a woman started her period, she would find a husband and start her family... Do you all remember Little House on the Prairie?
When we all started to live longer, the marrying age wasn't 12 years old anymore, and they came up with the term "teenager".
Back in these days, slavery was being abolished. It was no longer legal for Americans to buy slaves... BUT if a slave was already owned, and that slave got pregnant and had a baby, the newborn baby was instantly owned by the slave owner. With this mentality, the slave owners started controlling the females reproductively for their gain, more free laborers. Slave owners were raping their women slaves and basically enslaving their own offspring.
Now remember, back then, contraceptives... rubbers, the pill, anything to control fertility... was illegal.
Women had no rights to choose if they wanted to have a child. Back then, you only had sex to have a baby... even being married, if you were not trying to have a baby, it was illegal to have sex. ...
Fornication is what they called it... But how can you prove there has been fornication if you are married. But if you had sex and were not married, YOU WERE FORNICATING!!! And get this, men were not charged with fornication because it was the woman's fault for tempting them and them losing control of their actions.
Can you already see a need for abortion because of lack of contraceptives. Lots of slaves made a GOOD mother decision to abort her unborn child to save their child the life of a slave, to be owned by someone.
Young woman that found themselves pregnant, most likely not from flaunting her stuff... but for just being a victim of a man that lost control of his body... ran away to cities where they could melt into the crowd. They could start over, whether by having an abortion or trying to find ways to provide for her child. Which back then, was near to impossible. Woman did not get paid good wages, but in a city, a woman could control her fertility. ... Ways of contraceptives and access for abortions was easier and more accessible in a city. Quite different than living in a small community where everyone knows you by name and there is only one community doctor... It is said that young white women in the city were far away from their own mothers and from family supervision which lead them to ruin because no one was training them for their natural roles or protecting their virtue.
For you see, back in this day, woman were judged on their chastity. Only the prudest of woman were respected. Back in these days, an unchaste woman was classified the same level/class as slaves... second citizens as were their "bastard" children.
"The mentality in the late 19th century - having lost their chastity, they had lost their womenly identity, and did not have the capacity to be adequate mothers. Only by keeping and learning to mother her infant would this kind of girl redeem her womanhood and her value as a human being. Woman who abandoned their baby (generally because of extreme poverty and desperation or unwed mothers whose babies died were unredeemed failures." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Abortions were rising, especially for white American women, "puritan blood"... society was freaking out, fearing abortions were thinning out the population of the white people.
"Abortion risked the racial future of the United States." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Another thing society feared... babies being raised in poverty, continuing the cycle of poverty. Especially when we have all these affluent women that are having fertility problems or are too prude to fornicate even to try for a baby... okay, now I am just being sarcastic... but you catch my drift. ... JUDGEMENT was going on.
"If a poor mother fulfilled her parental duties properly, in ways approved by self-appointed charity and reform authorities she could be a mother to her child. If she did not met standards-- if she was not married or could not afford to stay home all day -- she had no biological or custody right to keep her child." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
So, in other words... all you mothers out there that are not stay at home mothers, you would be considered unfit mothers and have your babies taken away and given to the rich women that had a husband provide them with the luxury to stay home.
Beginning in the 1920's, more groups started advocating legal contraception.
Folks, it wasn't until 1944 that the male condom was perfected... AND it was not until 1972 that the Supreme Court ruled that unmarried people have the right to contraception.
You figure, before then, such things were seized and destroyed.
"The Comstock Law did enable postal agents to seize huge quantities of contraception-related items. Historian Janet Brodie provides this extraordinary list of Comstock's yield in 1880, giving us some idea of the industriousness of his agents but also a glimpse of what was surely only a tiny fraction of the total amount of materials in circulation that year:"Seized and Destroyed
165 different obscene books
64,094 rubber articles for immoral use
4,185 boxes of pills and powders for abortion
3,421 letters and packages ready for mailing
70,280 opened letters
6,000 names of dealers in obscene materials
901,125 names and addresses of people to whom "smut dealers" sent goods.
Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
We can all thank Margaret Sanger and Mary Ware Dennett, the pioneers of legalizing contraception and legalizing and disseminating "family planning" in the United States!!!
Okay, so time out... what is the big uproar with contraception and controlling our fertility, again???... I know, I had to keep being reminded, we live in such a different world of reality...
"Birth control threatened to undermine the ideology of feminine chastity and was a threat to family life... birth control could simply poison the wellspring of white woman's political agency (her maternal capacity)." Rickie Solinger PREGNANCY AND POWER... A Short History of Reproductive Politics In America.
Folks, there is so much history and details that have got us to where we are today, but let's just jump to World War II shall we.
World War II started in 1939 and lasted until 1945.
Remember "A League of Her Own" with Tom Hanks, Geena Davis, Madonna and Rosie... just to name a few??? Well, that is just how it was during World War II. The war took the majority of our men. Us women stepped up to the plate and entered the men's world of sports and factories... providing for our families AND taking care of our children just fine without the men around. Us women got a taste of equality!!!
Well the men came home and did not like us liberated women!... And I am sure, us women were not going to give up our liberation that easily.
What to do??? ... "LEAVE IT TO BEAVER" folks. ... Yep, June Cleaver reminded us what the "American Dream" really is.... Remember, we want to be a house wife with two kids and live in a crackerjack neighborhood.
Well, now we have the generation of "The Girls Sent Away", Ann Fessler has written about them... What are the neighbors going to think? Let's pretend it didn't happen and force our daughter to give her baby away so that we can save her class status and save the status of her bastard child that will get adopted by a higher class and they can pretend "AS IF BORN TO".
And there you have it, the starting of secrets and lies. We have come a long way. Awareness is the key! You can imagine my upset finding that I fell for societies judgment over the love for my baby. All a baby needs is the love of his/her mother.
Family preservation folks! In order to really KNOW family preservation, we have to KNOW life without family. Let's not let the generations of old fail to teach us.
LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER
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