White lies

Nothing good comes from little white lies. What is a little white lie? a form of a secret? a lie not considered a lie because it is just not the full truth?

I personally think white lies are just as hurtful. The full truth always comes out eventually and when it does, it makes the receiver of the white lie feel like a fool. Not only do you feel like a fool but you question, "why do they feel like they have to lie to me, or not be 100% truthful with me?"

I have just been the receiver of a white lie. I found out the full truth shortly thereafter. I felt like a fool, I felt less than who I am, I felt like... a dirty little secret.

What was the white lie?... I understand the reason to deliver the white lie...

I am in a relationship with my first born son that I lost to adoption. We have been reunited for 5 years now. I have had the prilvilege to serve him in a mother capacity lately by bringing him a packed lunch and enjoying his company for his lunch break from his work that is located minutes from my house.

The other day, I bring him his lunch after confirming that he would like a visit and some food. I get there and he nervously plays this guessing game, "guess who just came minutes before you came?"

"I have no idea"

"Who would be the most awkward persons to show up minutes before you show up?"

"awkward?... I have no idea"

"my parents!"

"and?"

"they showed up and wanted to take me out to eat, I had to tell them that you are bringing me lunch!"

"you should have called me, I can leave."

"No, it was just barely, I knew you would already be on your way and you already prepared food. I just told them to come bring me food at my other job later."

He rushed through his meal, inhaling as fast as he could. Finishing up in record speed, excusing himself saying, "got to get back to work, now that I am on commission. Thanks for lunch! See you later, bye"

That was weird... but whatever... I will be able to get home sooner to help my other son with his homework.

I get home and my husband informs me that our friend just saw our oldest son at his work eating with his parents.

It all makes sense now... the rushing, the nervous energy, the energy of something not quite right... lying... I felt like such a dirty little secret. It felt no different than when my husband used to lie and cheat on me. They tell you what you want to hear, to save your feelings... you can tell they aren't totally "present" when they are with you... and when you find out the full truth, you feel like a fool, less than who you are, you feel like... a dirty little secret.

It saddens me that my son feels like he cannot be 100% honest with me. I understand he is worried about saving my feelings.

Honesty is always the best, the truth always comes out.

So, I am flipped into an insecurity... a famous feeling in the ring of adoption... does he really want or need me in his life? he has parents, that "I chose" for him... Am I just a filler for what he can't or doesn't get from his parents? How genuine is our relationship? I know I will never get back what I have lost. Relationships are just that, relationships. How much room does one have for relationships? My sister only has room for her immediate family for relationships. I tend to have many relationships with many friends and extended family as well as my solid immediate family.

The relations are different... my relations with my solid immediate family is just that - solid. My other relations have a different level of intensity and they come and go as needed. So my question here, as my first born son that I am legally nobody to is getting ready to expand his "solid" family by entering marriage, am I in the "solid" category or in the "come and go as needed" category?

Reflection

I tend to have my natural mother hat on most of the time... Today, I was brought to an abrupt acknowledgement... oh yeah, I am an adoptee... Today, I have my adoptee hat on... My father, my natural biological father rejects me. My parents were divorced when I was 4 or 5, my mom remarried shortly after. My step dad adopted me when I was 6. You can imagine the pain, the heartache for my father, an adoptee himself. Rushing into starting a family of his own so that he can feel a belonging he has never felt before... having your biggest joy in your life, your two girls being taken away from you... adopted... having to you yourself choose the "best" for them... to "save" them... to LOVE them. Guess what, I DO GET IT! Being an adoptee... acknowledging, I am an adoptee... I finally can acknowledge the pain of being an adoptee, having my father out of my life... having a great replacement to provide and take care of me as if I were his own... Its not the same... I wanted my father to fight for me... to heal for me... to be saved for me... me being adopted never dulled my pain that my father was being abandoned, out of his own insecurities of being an adoptee himself. My father is not fighting for me. I am thankful that I know first hand the insecurities of being an adoptee; feeling not good enough to be fought for, healed for, be saved for. These insecurities caused a repeated cycle and me personally having those insecurities; not good enough to fight for, heal for, be saved for... chose to relinquish my rights to my first born son, to save him... from who???... from me??? did I really believe I was that horrible of a person that I had to save my baby, my son, from me??? I am healing... I am acknowledging the pain of adoption from a natural mother's side as well as an adoptee's side... What was first, the chicken or the egg??? I have fought for my son, I am healing for my son... I am facing my father with my upset of him not fighting for me, not healing for me... I am upsetting him with my acknowledgement of the pains of adoption and the pains of be ing rejected, which is pushing him to reject me once again. Sure, I overreacted. I was deeply pained with the rejection I have been feeling. My biggest fear, almost came true... to lose my father, again. I am in a mother's group and we were talking about the pains of adoption as usual, when today, I was put on the carpet for saying, "I agree! adoptees do lack compassion and empathy. they tend to be very self absorbed." I am so glad to have people love me enough to criticize... Laura, who is an adoptee as well, repeated the cycle and is now a natural mother, says, "I beg your pardon Keri... not ALL adoptees lack compassion, empathy nor are we all self absorbed. Don't put a label on all of us. We have also been dealt a tough hand, just like our mothers have." I apologized, but the correction for me not to categorize and label, kept my mind thinking... Oh yeah, im an adoptee too... have i been a person that lacks compassion, empathy and am self absorbed??? Yes! my mother can definitely vouch for that... in fact, she has said those very words to me. The other thing that came up today in our daily chat...was the realization that all along, adoptees wish we had fought for them more and we are wanting them to fight for us more... that, along with the realization that i too am an adoptee, helped me with the connection of me wishing my father would fight for me more... and explains me fighting for my own son as much as I do. I have upset a lot of people with my acknowledgement and awareness. I apologize if I tend to categorize and label anything... I just call it how I see it and have experienced it. I then reflected on my reunion with my son, the stages of our relationship. The insecurities that flare and manifest... nowadays... there is less insecurities, more confidence is flaring and manifesting. I am realizing how my confidence and insecurity level is what dictates my relationship with my son... Now I just need to figure out how to apply it to my father.

THE NEW ADOPT

Who is the natural mother? Where is the natural mother? What does a natural mother look like?

Being in a society where there are so many adoptees, how could these questions not run through thousands of minds. Not only would they secretly run through the minds of the adoptees, but of the adoptive parents.

In the past, us natural mothers have stayed secret and hidden. We have gone on as if nothing happened.

I am a natural mother. I am your next door neighbor, your hair stylist, your wedding planner, your son's scout leader, your daughter's achievement day advisor, your young woman's advisor... I look like any other caring mother.


I have been in reunite with my son for five years now. I had my baby boy in 1986 and chose to place him for adoption. I loved my baby so much, I chose to give him to strangers to "save" him.


Save him from what? I tend to constantly be asking myself lately. From me? From a dysfunctional lifestyle that I possible could be entering, being a teen mother and all?


Adoption didn't save him... adoption didn't save me.


Looking back on my life and his life of being "saved" and trying to see where and how we were saved... all that I can see is sorrow and loss.

Looking back on pictures after placement, seeing who I am... I am struck with a huge realization... I am the same person. Not having my baby in those photos with me did not change who I was. Sure, being a teen, I most definitely would have needed extra love and support raising this beautiful baby God entrusted ME to have. Any new mother needs extra love and support raising their beautiful baby God entrusted THEM to have.

Let there not be judgment of who God entrusted to be the mother of His beautiful spirits He has sent down to earth through. May we all step up, love and support all mothers in need that God entrusted them to be. Let there be no judgment, only acceptance and acknowledgement of the opportunity to LOVE ONE ANOTHER AND ADOPT THE MOTHER.

Expectations

Today was THE day. I should have guessed it wouldn't be as to my expectations. Expectations always lead to disappointment.

Suddenly, I was having huge anxiety all morning, being short tempered with my kids and didn't want to go to the airport... a day I had been looking forward to for two years.

The child I had given birth to 24 years ago returned from his mission.

We had reunited 5 years ago from being separated, a choice I made... ya, I loved my baby so I agreed to give him to strangers, not realizing at the time just exactly what I was giving away.

The older I get, the wiser I get... it only brings me more realization of just exactly what I gave away. I am living with a consequence of a choice I made when I was 16. I was promised my life would go on for the better. I was promised his life would be so much better. How hurt I am to come to the realization that there was such judgment on me as a person, soon to be mother, that the best decision was to abandon my child and my love for him.

Looking back on pictures from me moving on with my better life... what was so better about it? Living with the void, pretending like nothing happened, acting like I am so happy and full of joy... when in all reality, the pain of separation has never left. I have just became an expert at not feeling.

During the two years, I wrote faithfully to my missionary. It was very therapeutic... I even wrote a book about relinquishment, adoption and reunion. For you see, him leaving triggered relinquishment all over again. I was reliving 1986, remembering... I had blocked a lot of memories from 1986 out.

I wrote the book, got all my mourning out, so I thought, and continued faithfully writing my missionary, claiming him loud and proud as MY son.

I was so confident for my love for him, unafraid to claim it. Confident that it would be received with open arms... How foolish am I?

We go to the airport, there is a huge crowd... its missionary come home day for many missionaries. The adoptive parents, his girlfriend and her family are already there.

I'm not in the mood to be friendly with them anymore. I've been respectful and friendly the 3 years prior to him leaving on his mission and quite frankly, I got sick of being dismissed, ignored and treated far from friendly from those adoptive parents. After all, I am the one that loved my baby so much I gave him to "you strangers"... quite the gift... After the fact, all that I seem to hear from every direction is "what kind of woman gives her baby away"... yep, that would be me.

As luck would have it, my son, that I have been extremely blessed with and loved him so much I did not give him to strangers, had to go to the restroom... he has been diagnosed with leaky gut syndrome... I escort him to the restroom, hear the screaming of a missionary appearing and upon returning, see it was the missionary whom we were waiting for.

I'm not a person who freely shows my emotions... a skill I have mastered. Our missionary notices us and saunters over in his Mexico fiesta outfit that some beloved local from Mexico made for him. We get our hugs hello and he continues to go back and forth from us to them. Poor guy, he really did juggle us well, and yes, it sucks that he even has to. I have to be grateful that... a. he wanted us there and b. he worked it like a circus entertainer trying to please everyone and make us all happy and feel loved.

The kicker... Carol Makita, from whatever news channel that she works for, was there reporting on the MTC and missionaries. We had noticed her early on and had wondered what celebrity was returning from a mission that would interest a news story... During our circus time with that professional juggling missionary of ours, Carol and her camera guy...assuming we were this missionary's family or something... we do kind of look like a set, (understatement)... came over asking us if she could ask us some questions.

I loved it, lets be honest, I loved that onlookers knew we belonged together.

Out of loyalty, love, professional juggling trying to unite as one, our missionary asks Carol and camera man to hang on while he summons the adoptive parents over. Instantly, Carol is realizing... oh these must all be the kids because here are the parents... after all, we do live in Utah... Just as instantly, I get scooted out of the circle.

Ouch. I get it, I do. They are his parents. They are the strangers I chose to give my baby that I loved so much to... Doesn't make it any less painful. I just thought this pain would eventually be lifted sometime in my lifetime.

We are starving, I know Kai is starving and we had planned on tagging along with everyone else to get a bite to eat and continue with him to be released as a missionary.

Steve, my husband... the man who loved his baby so much, he didn't fall for the "give him to strangers" bit, but didn't know how to stop it in a world that looks to fathers as "sperm donors"... informs me that we can leave now but we are invited to stop by their house at 5:00 to visit.

It was currently 3:00.

"Oh, okay, so we are not invited to follow him to eat and be released?" I did say, a little annoyed, hurt and reminded of exactly who I am not to this missionary.

The adoptive father, in ears reach, responds in a very scary mean voice, "we weren't invited! you just got uninvited!"

I still do not know what he means by this since they are the ones driving him to eat and get released, along with girlfriend and girlfriend's family.

My husband scolds me for being so childish, "giving him away was your choice and you just have to live with it and accept it and make the best of it! I didn't want to give him away!"

We left the baggage claim without our missionary.

I have felt this pain before... leaving the hospital empty handed the day after Christmas 1986 and a second time in 2005 on Christmas Eve, two days after we had reunited completing our family only to be devastated by being asked to leave so they could have him ALL to themselves on Christmas like always.

You know what? I am sick of feeling this pain. I am sick of living with my consequence/punishment for getting pregnant the first time I chose to have sex and I am so sick of being reminded how much I loved my baby I chose to give him to these strangers. What a crock!!! How I fell for that line, I will never know. When you love something, you DON'T give it away!!! Especially when it is your baby!!! That is called abandonment!!! What kind of woman does that???

ME

Evolving to Better Choices, Better People

We are evolving at tremendous speed. I just finished an article in Time magazine about those young computer genius'... the 15 yr old creator of Napster, (to name one of the four pioneers) which led to Limewire which has led to Frostwire... yes, I'm talking about Music/Video/Movie piracy. I am guilty of pirating music off of the internet but I also buy many CD's, Books and DVD's.

We are evolving in all areas. Scientists are putting computer message boards with Rat DNA... I personally don't understand how in the world they could do that, even though I understand the computer sends messages just as a human brain sends messages... it is not my expertise, science, I have always found too over my head.

It is wonderful how we are passed down all the memory throughout time through our DNA and ancestor stories. Definitely no scientists in my family line.

How wonderful to have our ancestors and special people before us who have shown us how to deal with life better, whether it be by good example or bad... I personally learn better from the bad.

How wonderful for all those people that led life one step ahead of me to show me how life turned out for them by making the choices they made... There have been improvements of the choices to make...

Back to Napster... it was a pioneer for entertainment sharing... starting out as an innocent idea... quickly, turned into piracy. The young man who innocently started this capability for entertainment sharing via computers, now works with legit companies using his knowledge to help with such things as being able to download what we have purchased over the internet, making it as user friendly as it would to pirate. Win/Win situation.

Adoption... it was a pioneer for reaching out, helping family, sharing... starting out as an innocent idea...through all those pioneers before us, making choices, seeing how all the choices turned out...

How wonderful for the internet in so many ways, we can compare our knowledge on any subject matter and evolve to better choices...LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER

It's As Simple As Crayons

Putting things in simple terms, not only helps 5 year olds, but helps us grownups as well. The older I get the more I realize how nice it is to have little ones ask so many questions to help them understand this world around them, which in turn makes us think to be able to explain for them to understand.

I picked up my bonus 5 year old today with my 11 year old daughter. They are getting so excited for the holiday season... so many parties... so many people coming together to celebrate Christ's birthday. As I am answering what all the party plans are, Kirah and Sidnee are worrying if Sidnee will be able to attend these parties, "will she be here on that weekend?"

I answer, "I will have to look at the calendar, but no worries these parties are my family not dad's"... I am Sidnee's bonus (step) mother.

"Oh" they both chimed...

"Why is it different?" they ask. They have felt the difference, but why IS it different?

I explain to them, "It's like Dad is a blue crayon, I am a red crayon and Sidnee's mom is a yellow crayon... that makes Kirah, Dallen and Kai purple crayons and Sidnee a green crayon... we are all crayons, but some crayons go really well together and some crayons don't."

They both totally loved how simple that made it. I continued to ponder this crayon analogy metaphor to adoption and step parent families. Kai is a purple crayon that was raised by orange crayons... he has a bit of red in him as does orange... but orange is such an opposite color of purple being made from yellow/red instead of blue/red.

In my own life, let's say my mother was a blue crayon and my father a red... making my sister and I different shades of purple... as my children could be considered; Kai being a dark shade, Dallen a medium shade and Kirah a light shade... as is their hair and eyes, Kai's are dark, Dallen's are medium and Kirah's are light... My mother divorces my father and go finds her a yellow crayon to marry and he brings his daughter, an orange crayon, to come live with us. Growing up I had my mother/red, my step father/yellow, my older sister/orange and my younger sister/purple and me/purple.

I remember how conflicting this picture was with the different colors to paint this picture. I loved going to the red or blue family reunions/parties but I hated going to the yellow family reunion parties. I felt so out of place with all these shades of yellow.

I have always offended with my honesty of being a different color and wanting to color with my own shades. But when you are here to figure out what pictures you can paint with your shade it is helpful to have similar shades showing you.

Dedicated to Laurie aka adoptive mother

This morning, my daughter... who has stayed home from school... calls me in and wants me to sit with her while she makes some people on her wii... I'm sitting with her, she says, "I'm making Aunt Karen"... It was interesting how I could see why she made Karen look that way considering the lack of options... Kirah continues to show me all the other family members she has created... What a treat to see how my daughter views the people important in her life, and to see who is on that list.

I say, "you should make Mama and Papa B"... Folks, Mama and Papa B are the adoptive parents who adopted my first born son. We have been reunited with my son for 5 years now... it has not been easy... but we will go into that another time.

Kirah quickly responds and says, "I know! I have been wanting to!"

We continue to create Mama and Papa B.

During the creation of Mama and Papa B via the wii, it came to me...

"Kirah, just think... if Mama and Papa B started their relationship with us the way I am trying to teach people to understand, Mama and Papa B not only would have a special relationship with Kai, (my first born son), they would have a special relationship with you too."

"Oh yeah, they would be more like an aunt and uncle! that would be cool!!!" she exclaims.

I say, "No... check it out... If Mama and Papa B lived down the street or around the corner; started this relationship and mentorship with me, a teenager that just found out she was pregnant and wished she had someone besides her mother to co-parent with"... it would have been great to have a strong father figure to help be in this mentorship/partnership with me, my husband and our future children.

Kirah following me, wanted to hear more...

For you see, if I felt safety with the B's that their best interest is to help me, the mother, raise my child and build a genuine interest in me... being there for me like I am there for Becky, (Becky is the mother of my bonus 5 year old daughter... it has been just as I dreamed it to be... but we will go into that later) I would have been able to count on them to be there for me unconditionally, trusting them to not judge me but to love me, believe in me, help me without any strings attached... no expectations.

Looking back on my life seeing the path I took, putting Mama and Papa B in my life along side me... I think is how I would plug them in my life is just as Becky has plugged me into hers... I would have Mama and Papa B have visitations every other weekend; Friday after school until Sunday whenever the child wishes to come home or when it is convenient for the two parties. Plus every Wednesday after school til 7ish and sometimes Monday if we are missing the other. Being the mother, I would want my child every holiday, as we honor with Becky, but we would make arrangements to go to Mama and Papa B's house as one does with grandparents, taking my kids on vacation if they so choose, all together or individually for better one on one time with each of my children. Do it just as Becky does... call when she needs extra help, whether it be picking her child up an extra day after school so she can go to court, shop, family emergencies, doctors apt, vacations, whichever it may be, I never judge...

I would have had a very lovely relationship with Mama and Papa B that would have continued still today. I would have maybe wanted to change the visitations eight years later when I was on top of my game... but still having them be like a special grandparent to my child and children to come. During the time of invetro with Kirah I could of used their help with my other kids and would have continued to use their help instead of hiring a nanny after Kirah was born. If I had felt safety with them and confident they would not threaten to take my children away and be there to mentor with me, believe in me, I would have most certainly kept their relationship in my life all the way up to now... it would be one big happy family they are involved in, accepting all of us into their home instead of only Kai because of adoption.

After I explain all this, Kirah got a huge dreamy look on her face and said, "That would be way cool..."

I left her room to get mopping floors and thought of the few people I am offending by sharing my thoughts, visions, dreams... Laurie, thank you so much for bringing it to my attention as to what I really mean by LOVE ONE ANOTHER ADOPT THE MOTHER.